Airtight Pretending
by Kinetic-K
Summary: Olivia and Amanda are tasked with an undercover assignment that only they can work. The situation is less than idea given the fact that the women don't really know or care to know each other. Will this assignment change or solidify things? A PM request challenge story. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Okay so I received a very interesting request with very little information but it intrigued me enough to write this. The message had one line…"Olivia. Amanda. Undercover, go." I'm a little nervous because I don't know where to take these two characters, not my usual ship, definitely out of my comfort zone but I like a challenge. I hope you like it and feel free to leave suggestions, I'm open to it. This story is set in season 13 let's say a few months after Scorched Earth but no other episode storylines after has happened. Enjoy!**

Amanda Rollins had just recently been transferred to the 16th precinct of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit from Atlanta, GA. In only a short time, one of the unit's newest detectives had been tasked with the biggest case of her career. It wasn't an ordinary case and she wasn't going to be working alone. Rollins was more than ready to prove herself to her new squad to let them know that they had a valuable asset in her. The eager detective listened closely to the experienced doctor prepare her and her partner for the case, determined to bring down the city's current serial rapist.

Olivia Benson was a senior detective in the Special Victims Unit and was heading into her thirteenth year as a sex crimes detective. Stability and familiarity was something that Olivia had been missing ever since the sudden retirement of her former partner. Spiraling down into a black hole of depression, this case was a blessing to keep her from the ledge as well as a curse due to innocent women being targeted. The other problem was that she would be working with one of the newbie detectives that she didn't know or completely trust. This case, however, would force the senior detective to put her pride and ego aside to catch a violent perpetrator that had been victimizing women across Manhattan.

"Your cover stories need to be airtight. You also need to spend some time together getting to know each other better in the characters that you're going to be playing. People, especially psycho and sociopaths, can spot inauthenticity easily," explained Dr. George Huang. "This rapist is a sadist who likes to take away power from strong women, especially those who feel that they don't need a man, i.e. lesbians, particularly power lesbians. He's narcissistic, charming even and believe that he's irresistible to women; a ladies man. Being rejected by one of the women is probably what started him on this vicious path. He's dangerous and very intelligent; you have to be committed one hundred percent to catch him."

Olivia and Amanda exchanged a look, a look that spoke volumes without words. They knew that they had to do whatever they could to catch the perp that had been targeting powerful lesbian couples. Six women, three couples, in the last two months had been in their squad room disclosing their harrowing stories. The violence and sadism that the rapist displayed during his attacks proved that his next victims would be on a slab visiting Dr. Warner in the morgue instead of in the squad room disclosing their ordeals.

The two detectives that were assigned to this case barely knew each other and to act as a loving power couple would be challenging to say the least. The two female detectives of the Special Victims Unit had barely shared a cup of coffee together let alone anything else. The thought of being undercover together as lovers, nonetheless, unnerved both of the ladies although neither would be willing to admit it. The senior detective wanted to appear un-phased by the difficult challenge to keep her badass persona in check and the new rookie detective felt that she had to prove her worth to the squad, especially to the only other female detective with the impeccable reputation.

Olivia was absorbing everything that Dr. Huang was saying, mentally preparing herself for the most difficult undercover operation of her career. Sure Detective Olivia Benson had seen her fair share of terrible undercover stints; let's not even mention Sealview but this operation would be with someone that she hardly knew. Also with someone that she wasn't completely sold on being capable of watching her back let alone capable of convincing a sociopath that they're a legit couple. This just didn't feel right to Olivia and she was going to voice her opinion.

"Captain, with all due respect…" began Olivia before Captain Cragen cut her off.

"The precursor before a slew of disrespectful things usually leave one's mouth or before my judgment is about to be questioned. Which one is it Detective?" asked the Captain with a bit of an edge to his voice. All of the other detectives as well as Dr. Huang sensed the tension between the two, leaving everyone feeling rather uncomfortable.

Olivia was already walking on thin ice with the Captain due to her piss poor welcome and lack of interest in helping the new detectives get settled in. Their arrival brought out a side of her that no one liked; the condescending and moody Olivia Benson was a pain to work with. Benson flashed back to Cragen's warning of either helping out or leaving, knowing that leaving wasn't an option she chose her words wisely. The job was one of the few things that she had left to keep her semi sane.

"Neither Captain, I was just going to say that Detective Rollins and I aren't that familiar with the ins and outs of our characters and we have a lot of info to take in. I was hoping that we could spend some time with Dr. Huang alone so that we could work on our profiles a little more in depth," explained Olivia as she looked around the squad room of stunned faces except Fin and Munch, who weren't buying her bs but was impressed with the clever save.

The Captain wasn't a fool either but he was glad that she seemed to have remembered their little chat. "Ok Detective today is Tuesday and your first outing on this undercover stint begins Friday, given the fact of the rapist preferring weekend attacks. You and Detective Rollins' only job is to fill in the gaps with the help of Dr. Huang and prepare, I don't want to see your faces until Friday. I will talk to Dr. Huang daily to discuss your progress, if he doesn't think that you two can pass then we will have to look for alternative options, dismissed."

Everyone broke out into different directions as they got busy with their respected orders. Detective Amaro would ghost the women inside of the different bars and night clubs. He initially thought that he would stick out in all lesbian bars until the victims informed the detectives that they weren't attacked after leaving lesbian bars but high end establishments. Dr. Huang then went further into the analysis explaining after the rapist's initial rejection he then singled out powerful lesbians at sophisticated institutions. Munch and Fin were going to be the outside eyes and backup. Benson and Rollins had the starring roles and they knew that the weight of this case lied heavily on their shoulders.

Rollins was already nervous enough but the added pressure of partnering with someone that wasn't particularly easy to work with was another obstacle in itself. However, Rollins knew of the senior detective's outstanding reputation for going over and beyond the call of duty to get the job done. She knew that Benson would do whatever to bring the perps to justice, give closure to the victims and that was the only hope that she had that this crazy operation would actually work.

"Hey Detective Benson, can I talk to you for a minute before we go in with Dr. Huang?" inquired an uncertain Rollins.

Olivia felt her eyes beginning to roll but stopped herself before she answered Rollins. "Uhm sure, just give me a minute, I will be right back."

Olivia left the squad room floor and headed for the ladies' room to give herself a much needed pep talk. The weary detective looked at her reflection in the mirror and did not like what was staring back at her. Exhaustion, hurt and lines clung to her face, she knew that she was going through a rough patch but she wasn't aware that it was bristle pad rough. Benson took a few deep breaths, washed her face and decided to let everything go and focus on the task at hand. _He left, he's gone. It's time to grow up, stand on your own two feet and stop being a bitch to everyone because of what he did._ A new energy coursed throughout her body as she exited the restroom headed to have what she was sure would be an uncomfortable talk with Rollins. 

Rollins was now convinced that there was no way in hell that this was going to work. Benson couldn't even pretend to like or respect her, how she was going to pretend to be in a loving, committed relationship with her baffled the blonde detective. Doubt and frustration were slowly beginning to take a back seat to Rollins' anger; she hadn't been anything but pleasant toward Benson trying to understand what she was going through in losing her partner of twelve years. But it was now time out for pleasantries, women lives were in danger and they had a job to do. Rollins decided to level with the brunette and let her know that she wasn't thrilled to be partnered with her either. Rollins spotted Benson re-entering the squad room and beckoned for her to follow her into the cribs. After the senior detective entered, Rollins closed the door behind her and proceeded to get some things off of her chest.

"Look, you don't know me and I don't know you. One of the many differences between us is that I've tried to put forth an effort and you haven't," drawled Amanda without taking a breath. "When I first got here it really mattered to me that you liked and respected me but it's been over two months now and I really don't give a damn anymore. We have a job to do and I know that you don't want me as partner, and well the feeling is mutual but we're the only chicks here, so we have to suck it up and deal with it. So I would appreciate you putting aside whatever problem it is that you have with me and do your goddamn job!"

Olivia was taken aback by the feistiness that Rollins displayed. Her lips curled into a devilish little half smile, amused at the young detective's bluntness. The pleasantly surprised brunette closed the distance between them and looked Rollins directly into wide blue eyes full of rage for a long while before simply saying, "Let's do this, Detective."

 _What was that?_ Amanda was definitely not expecting that response. She had prepared herself to go twelve rounds with the senior detective. Feeling her tough exterior beginning to crumble, Rollins decided to find Dr. Huang before she lost her edge completely. "Glad that we understand each other now let's go and find out who we are."

The statement was simple enough but the strength and alternative meaning behind it hit both detectives respectively. Both were struggling with their identities and finding themselves would be easier said than done. Neither knowing the other's internal struggle left the cribs determined to find their character, because finding themselves wasn't a viable option right now. The duo headed to an empty interrogation room where Dr. Huang awaited their arrival with their new identities laid out and ready to be filled.

"Doctor, Detective Rollins and I are ready for you to transform us into a power couple," said Olivia.

"First thing first, this icy 'Detective' formality has to go. You do know that her name is Amanda right?" asked Dr. Huang.

Amanda chuckled silently because she wondered the same thing. In over two months, Detective Benson still hadn't used her first name while addressing her. "Yes of course I know that," spat back Olivia.

"That's news to both of us Dr.," teased Rollins.

"Ha-ha, very funny. Can we get on with it please?"

"Of course we can," said Dr. Huang getting down to business. "You both are going to keep your names. You've been together for three years and are individually very successful. You're very popular in your communities. We have a very nice condo set up in the upper west side where you two will be living until the investigation is over."

The two detectives exchanged looks, not realizing that they would be living together throughout the case. They both assumed that after the sting that they would both be returning to their respective homes. Dr. Huang picked up on their discomfort and decided to spread the rest of the assignment out for them so that there would be no more surprises.

"In addition to living together, you will also need to practice being out and affectionate with each other in public. You two need to seem like an actual couple, comfortable around each other. Nicknames that only you two use for each other would be a nice touch and more endearing," both detectives rolled their eyes. "Liv and Amy…I wanted to stay as close to your individual personalities as possible. Olivia you're a respected feminist motivation speaker and community activist. Amanda you are a hot, new up and coming artist. We have trained professionals handling your 'jobs' you're just the figure heads. You will be briefed in detail about key talking points of your jobs while out socializing and networking. Just one more thing that…this requires a physical makeover if you will."

"I was thinking that we were going to be alright until your last statement," said Olivia. "What is it?"

Dr. Huang handed them both pictures of the six victims. The detectives weren't sure where he was going with this because they had both studied the individual cases inside and out. "You need to look more like his victims…" he paused. Dr. Huang knew who would be the best person to do this next task but he would let them work it out on their own to keep his hands clean. "One of you will need to get a drastic haircut…"

"How drastic?" drawled Rollins.

"Let's just say that you need to look to part, I will let this be your first major decision of being a couple. I will meet back with the both of you tomorrow at noon. I will see what you both decided then." Dr. Huang left the interrogation room with haste as the two detectives sat staring into space.

After an eternity of silence passed Amanda spoke up. "Look, I've had my share of embarrassing haircuts and styles but I thought that was all behind me now, I'm digging my current look. And I can sense that you're not exactly thrilled to chop off your long waves so let's settle this in a fair way."

Olivia had no clue how Rollins was reading her mind but was happy to know that she picked up on her hesitance. _This might work after all._ "Ok, I'm listening. What do you have in mind?"

"We should play a game of something that we're both good at and loser has to get the big chop. Deal?"

"Deal but how do I know if you're lying about what you're good at or not," asked Benson.

"Well I guess that you're just going to have to trust me, huh Liv?" The blonde detective smiled at using their assigned nickname, fully aware that was how the other seasoned detectives already addressed Detective Benson.

Olivia smiled her first genuine smile of the day before she said, "I guess I am, Amy. Ok chess?"

"Hell no!" exclaimed Amanda. "Checkers?"

"No. Basketball?"

"Ugh no. Pool?"

"I only play pool good when I'm under the influence," joked Olivia.

"Perfect. I play good when I'm drunk too. Ok, three shots of the same liquor and one game of pool. Loser has to get the haircut of the winner's choice. Deal?"

Olivia studied the blonde's face, looking for some form of deceit but all she saw there was willingness. She extended out her hand and said, "Deal. We still need judges to make sure that you don't claim I cheated after I kick your ass."

"Feeling awfully sure of ourselves, aren't we? Ok, invite the guys. I'm looking forward to having witnesses as I wipe the floor with the great Detective Benson."

The two continued to tease each other. The light banter went a long way to ease each other's unspoken worries. Sure they had a long way to go but progress was being made nonetheless. They studied their characters' profiles thoroughly before it was time to call it day. Benson and Rollins had informed the male detectives of their epic bet taking place later and everyone was excited to see who would come out on top. Fin placed his money on Olivia while Munch put his faith in the newbie. Amaro decided to be Switzerland, keeping in good standings with both ladies. It was show time and the ladies were ready for battle. All of the detectives of the 1-6 gathered around a table at _Mulligan's_ to begin the bet.

"Ladies and gentlemen of sex crimes welcome to HairGate 2012," opened Munch to cheers and whistles coming from their table as well as a few others. "Our two contestants tonight are playing to keep their hair flowing and fabulous. In the blue corner we have the luscious chestnut waves of Olivia Benson on the chopping block, pun definitely intended. Although I'm a little confused as to why Liv won't just bring back the Hilary Swank look that she rocked in 2002, which was a personal favorite of mines," said Munch with a little wink for Olivia who was very amused with his colorful commentary.

"But I digress," continued Munch. "In the red corner we have the straight, long blonde locks with the chic side bang of Amanda Rollins avoiding split ends—"

"Oh my God, Munch! Man shut the hell up with all of these lame ass jokes and just get on it with it man," interjected Fin with claps and whistles in tow agreeing with his statement.

"Fine, I see that my crowd has forsaken me so I will just move it on along. Each contestant will down three shots of Jameson at the same time. After boozing it up, the last and final part of the competition will begin. One game of classic billiards, loser gets the haircut of the winner's choice. Ladies are you ready?"

"Hell yeah," said Amanda.

"Let's do this," followed Olivia.

"Bartender! Nine shots of Jameson please and a pitcher of beer," shouted Nick. Everyone looked at him, wondering why he ordered so much alcohol. "What? We're going to drink too, right guys?" The two male detectives looked at each other before Nick said, "It's on me."

"Yeah, we're drinking with you man, always," said Fin.

"Yeah that's what I thought." The bartender lined up all of the shots and placed the pitcher in the middle of the table with only three glasses. After everything was set up, they each grabbed a shooter. "To HairGate 2012, may the best woman win," toasted Nick.

"To HairGate," everyone else responded in unison. Even some of the other patrons were caught up in HairGate 2012 and drank in camaraderie and placed secret bets on the two women.

The sting of the Irish whiskey burned going down for both women but neither would let it show. They grabbed the second shot and threw it back with stoic expressions. That one burned a little less than the previous one but the heat from the liquor coursed throughout their bodies, both feeling the effects. They both remained unbothered on the outside while their insides were starting to feel all warm and fuzzy. They held up their last shot and crashed their glasses together before downing it. Yeah the third one was rough and Olivia thought for a second that it was coming back up, grateful that she didn't embarrass herself before the contest got off and running. Amanda spotted the first break in the usually unbreakable detective and felt her confidence boost.

"You alright there Detective?" asked Rollins in a sarcastic tone.

"I will be when I wipe that smug little grin off your face," replied Olivia without missing a beat.

"Here we go! That's what I'm talking about, nice trash talking ladies, I like it," said Fin.

"Coin toss to see who gets to break," said Munch. "Call it Rollins."

"Heads."

"Heads it is, good luck ladies have fun," said Munch as he saw the looks that the women were giving each other.

"They look like they want to kill each other, how in the hell are they going to convince anyone that they're a _loving_ couple by Friday?" asked Fin.

"I don't know man. I was into the idea of them being together, the images in my head were nothing like this anger and coldness. I'm not a fan."

"I don't know, I kind of dig it. Beautiful, feisty chicks that aren't taking their anger out on you is kind of hot," chimed in Nick. Fin and Munch both looked at him and shook their heads. "Plus they're not angry with each other. They're just putting on their game faces, both hate to lose."

An hour later and the champion of HairGate 2012 was crowned victorious. Bets were settled and congratulations rendered. The two women were both extremely buzzed from the shots plus the beer that they decided to include into the game. Their earlier tension was long gone after the game ended; the liquor had them in their happy place. It was now time to decide on the haircut that the winner wanted her 'lover' to rock.

"Ok I think I would like for you to get it cut like that actress that plays Snow White on that weird TV show. That would work for you, I can see it," slurred the Detective.

"I have no clue who or what you're talking about but ok. I'll make an appointment in the morning. Another shot?"

"Hell yeah!"

"See, I told you that they were going to be just fine," said Nick with a satisfied look on his face.

 **This was fun lol. Feedback is what's up.**


	2. Chapter 2

The morning after the epic HairGate 2012, Olivia woke up with a hangover straight from the arm pit of hell. Binge drinking definitely wasn't for her but she chose to let herself go and be present in the moment, enjoying herself with her co-workers. As she trudged her way to the kitchen for some much needed coffee and aspirin, her mind flashed back to some of the night's events. After the game, the group of detectives kept the party going for another hour before Munch and Nick took off leaving Fin, Benson and Rollins alone. Fin wanted to stay to make sure that both women got home safely after all of the night's imbibing. He gave the two female detectives their space while he entertained a lady friend.

A small smile stretched across Olivia's lips as she pieced together what she could of her and Rollins' conversation. Her memory was spotty thanks to the Jameson and to the plethora of beers. But from what she could remember, they talked about everything from embarrassing rookie stories, men, television shows to more serious topics such as their current job, politics and family. Neither woman lingered on the family topic for too long before they were chatting about something else. Olivia wasn't sure if it was the liquor or not but she definitely enjoyed herself in Rollins' company.

Olivia's alarm on her phone went off, jarring her away from her flash backs as well as piling onto her splitting headache. She quickly silenced her alarm and decided to check her messages. Her interest peaked when she saw two awaiting picture messages from Rollins. She opened the first message and burst out into a fit of laughter. The picture was of Olivia face down on the bar top with Rollins besides her smiling excitedly with a fistful of Olivia's hair in one hand and fake finger scissors in the other. She couldn't remember if she had posed for the picture or if she was actually passed out on the bar. The last picture was a selfie of the two women. The brunette detective was the obvious camera holder as she smiled brightly while Rollins had both arms around Olivia's waist from the side, planting a kiss on her cheek. _Well…we don't look terrible together._ As if on cue Olivia's phone vibrated with an incoming call from Rollins.

"Benson."

"Mornin'!"

"Ok, you're too chipper for it to be this early after the night that we had."

Rollins laughed at Benson's tone and obvious annoyance. "Well I'm fresh as a daisy; I'm from a small town in Georgia, not much to do besides get hammered. Last night would be a typical boring Tuesday night back home. I can tell that you're over there hurtin'."

"I'm fine," lied Benson. "I take it that you called me for a specific reason. So what's up?"

"Yeah I did. I have a small confession."

"Uh oh, ok I'm listening…"

"I never really had a problem about cutting my hair. I just thought that a silly, fun competition would take away some of the tension between us. I figured that we would have an opportunity to see how each other were like outside of work. An icebreaker so to speak and I'm glad that I did because you're alright Benson. So no worries, even though I won I will get the haircut."

Olivia wasn't expecting that at all. "Well I wasn't expecting that to be your confession but I do think that you put a good plan into motion because it worked. From what I can remember and piece together from last night," said Olivia while chuckling before continuing. "Was probably the most fun that I've had in a very long time so thank you for that. And I think that you're alright too Amanda."

Amanda looked at the phone as she heard her first name freely fall from the lips of Detective Benson. There was no sarcasm or pretense and Rollins' face lit up. Not to mention that Benson had actually admitted to having fun had the blonde detective feeling quite satisfied with herself.

"Rollins are you still there? Rollins!" shouted Olivia, stopping Amanda's victory lap dead in its tracks.

"Yeah, yeah sorry my phone sucks sometimes…uhm anyways, what were you saying?"

"I said that it's not a problem for me either and I could really use a change right now. So I will get my hair cut, you've already stepped up and proved that you're a team player now let me show you that I am too. I'll see you at Huang's office, bye."

The line went blank leaving Rollins once again staring at her phone. Slowly but surely the ladies were transforming into a team. While Olivia made her way to the salon, Amanda decided to spend the rest of her time before meeting Dr. Huang studying. Rollins wondered how Huang knew about her artistic side. It was a side of her that not many people were aware of. Sensitive, tortured artist didn't really go with tough, badass cop. Confident that the artistry lingo wouldn't be a problem for her, she decided to focus on the dynamics of how her and Olivia's 'relationship' worked. The lesbian thing didn't bother Amanda one bit; it was portraying the relationship thing, intimacy. Sure she'd had her fair share of hook-ups but she had only ever had one real boyfriend and that was in high school. Never been in love, never let anyone close enough to get attached. Trust wasn't something that she did easily especially growing up the way that she did. She shuttered at the memories of her childhood and closed the files, now wasn't the time to get drawn back into the darkness.

Rollins walked into Dr. Huang's office at the bureau at exactly twelve o'clock on the dot. She greeted the Doctor and took a seat across from his desk as they awaited the arrival of Olivia. The southerner felt like she was in the principal's office awaiting punishment. Nervous didn't begin to describe it. Her palms were clammy and she felt her heart rate picking up, of course Dr. Huang noticed it.

"Do you want to tell me why you're so nervous, Detective Rollins?" inquired the insightful Dr.

"I'm not nervous, I'm just a little anxious. The rapist is escalating and this is basically our last resort so it has to work, I just want to do a good job and catch this asshole."

"I understand. So you're not worried about being vulnerable and stepping outside of your comfort zone with a woman that you barely know?"

And Detective Benson chose that exact moment to stride into the Dr.'s spacious office. While Olivia was busy rendering apologies for being late, Amanda was busy gawking at the brunette. It didn't take an expert lady-pond dipper to appreciate the attractive woman before her eyes. Rollins wasn't blind, she always knew that Olivia was beautiful but for the first time she saw just how flawless her co-worker was. The haircut was everything and more than Rollins could have ever imagined when she suggested it. _Damn._ The hair, the leather jacket and that walk…damn that walk did it; it exuded confidence and self-assurance and Amanda was enjoying every strut.

"Sorry, my appointment ran late and I got stuck in traffic. What'd I miss?" asked Olivia, oblivious to Rollins' staring.

"Nothing," Dr. Huang's voice snapped Rollins out of it. "We were waiting on you. I see that you two came together to make a decision on the haircut. How did that go?"

"Funny story," began Olivia. "We made a bet to see who would have to go under the knife, if you will, and I lost but it turned into a pretty awesome night." _A night that I'm still recovering from._ "Right Amanda?"

"Right," said Rollins a little too quickly.

"Good. Alright ladies, let's get started."

They spent the next few hours with Dr. Huang reviewing, asking questions and listening to his analysis. Their game plan was to hit the places that the six different victims visited before they were attacked. None of the women could really describe him; even though he had to approach them earlier in the night, during the attack he wore a mask and used a condom. They had no leads or clues as to who this man was; making it a very dangerous sting but the ladies assured their Captain that they could handle it. Huang gave the ladies homework so that they could discuss it during their next session. He wanted them to go on a date. It sounded simple enough but he explained that being out in public for the first time could be very uncomfortable. He wanted them to get comfortable showing public affection, he wasn't suggesting that they tongue each other down but a modest display would suffice. Benson seemed fine with it but she noticed that Rollins seemed bothered. Choosing to ignore it, she told Rollins that she would pick her up at eight.

Rollins saw that Olivia had picked up on her hesitance about going on a date. If Amanda was really being honest with herself, she had been struggling throughout their entire session with Huang. She was busy trying figure out why Olivia's close proximity suddenly unnerved her. The more she thought about their date the more she wanted to run but she didn't know why. Was it the fear of not being able to pull it off? Or was it the fact that they would pull it off too well? Blurring the lines of pretending and reality. Amanda knew that Olivia had this way of gaining people's trust and getting them to tell her their deepest, darkest secrets and she could see herself being drawn in by the brunette detective. Rollins looked at the clock and saw that she needed to start getting ready for her date that she was terrified as hell to go on.

Olivia was right on time, knocking at Amanda's door. Olivia was also nervous but it was more of first date with a woman jitters. Some may have speculated about her sexuality but truthfully she was practically asexual, being that she can't remember the last time that she had actually been on a date. _It's very sad that my job is the only way that I can get a date._ Amanda opened the door just as Olivia looked up and stared at the woman in front of her. Rollins wore a sleeveless turquoise knee length dress with nude pumps. Her hair was in curls that fell freely with her signature side bang. Simple, natural makeup with perfectly glossed pink lips.

Olivia swallowed before she spoke, "Wow," was all that came out before she found other words. "You clean up very nice, you look great."

Amanda smiled shyly while taking in Olivia's appearance. She was dressed in chic black skinny legs, with a deep purple camisole, completed with the infamous black leather jacket. Long black leather boots with a three inch heel, dark makeup with a crimson shaded lip had Amanda gawking, yet again. "Thank you and back at you. And I must admit that I wouldn't be able to pull off that haircut, it's perfect on you. I love it."

"Yeah?" asked Olivia as she ran her fingers through her hair.

"Yes. The style, the highlights, all of it…very hot." The last part just rolled off Amanda's tongue before she knew it, catching herself and Olivia off guard. _Oh my God._ Ignoring the awkward moment Rollins got it together, "Ok, ready to go?"

Olivia simply nodded. Amanda locked her apartment and her eyes nearly popped out of her head when Olivia grabbed her hand and led them down the hallway. She gave Amanda a reassuring smile before saying, "Now, I'm ready."

 **The date will be in the next chapter, I'm almost through with it but wanted to stop her to get this part out now. Enjoy, R &R.**


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia knew that she had caught Amanda off guard by grabbing her hand. Part of her wanted Rollins to relax and the other part of her wanted to see how she would react. The initial shock of the gesture caused the blonde's body to tense but Liv sent her a reassuring smile. The duo entered the car, headed to their destination. Amanda was staring out the window looking like she'd rather be anywhere than where she was at the present time. Not a word had been uttered and the silence was uncomfortably awkward and Liv was over it.

"Are you ok over there?" asked Olivia. Amanda had barely said a word since entering Olivia's classic Mustang.

"Yeah, I'm fine," replied Rollins.

"Well you look like you're about to pass out or something."

"I'm fine, just could use a little air, that's all." _And a drink, a very large, very strong drink._

"Here, I'll crack open the window. Can I level with you for a second?"

Rollins felt her stomach tighten in response to Olivia's question. "Uhm y-yeah."

"I haven't been on a date in a really long time and I'm a little nervous to say the least. So if I seem a little off my game or fidgety…don't judge me," added Liv with a cheeky grin which automatically caused Amanda to reciprocate the smile.

Amanda had seen Olivia smile more in the last few days than she had in the last few months that she'd been with the unit. The smile was absolutely captivating. Rollins didn't know why Olivia smiling put her at ease but it did. "Really? I can't believe that. Exactly how long are we talking?" inquired Rollins feeling a little more comfortable knowing that Olivia was also battling with her nerves.

"Well believe it and you're not getting that answer out of me so easily," smile number three and it was quickly becoming one of Rollins' new favorite sights.

"You know…you have a really great smile. At work you always have on your super serious Detective Benson face, with those blazing brown, intense eyes and your don't eff with me eyebrows. It's nice to see one of your best features making all of these rare appearances," said Rollins in that honeysuckled Georgian accent.

It was now Olivia's turn to be flustered and caught off guard. She was doing that thing when you don't want to smile but the more that you try not to, the more you just end up smiling harder and blushing like a puppy love smitten school girl. Crimson began to creep upon the cheeks and neck of smooth bronze skin. Now Rollins was certain that a blushing Detective Benson might just be her new-new favorite thing. Olivia still hadn't muttered a word since Amanda gave her that compliment and the blonde detective enjoyed watching Liv subtly squirm in her seat.

"Now I'm smiling like an idiot, I bet I look insane," said a still blushing Olivia as she ran her fingers through her short hair, trying to recover. "Thank you, it's nice to have a reason to smile," the detective finally responded back in control and smooth as silk. "Come on, we're here."

The two ladies walked into one of the city's newest restaurants, _Sway_. It was beautiful; the walls were littered with exquisite artwork. You could tell that the establishment was up scale but it didn't feel pretentious. The patrons consisted of an eclectic group of people. The setting was intimate, with dimmed lights and candle lit tables. Amanda looked around the room in awe, appreciating all of the stunning paintings and sculptures while Olivia handled their reservations.

"Good evening ma'am. How may I help you?" asked the polite young female hostess.

"Good evening, I have a reservation. Benson for two."

"Yes I see you here, right this way ma'am, please follow me."

Olivia noticed that Amanda was preoccupied admiring the scenery. Liv knew that Rollins' cover job was as an artist but she saw that the blonde had a real life appreciation for art; she planned to ask her about it later. Reluctant to disturb her, Liv gently grazed the small of her back before saying, "Come on, our table is ready. No worries, I'll take you to visit a real gallery soon."

 _There goes that smile again._ Rollins felt the heat rising in her cheeks; the cause was a combination of that smile, the hand still lingering on her lower back and a promising future date on the horizon. It was something about Olivia that seemed absolutely genuine; it didn't seem as if she were acting or pretending. All of her affects felt natural and Amanda let go of everything that was holding her back from being present in the moment. So she just did what felt natural to her, no pretenses. She intertwined her fingers with Olivia's, locking her soft blues onto the beautiful almond colored eyes staring at her with something that Amanda couldn't quite describe. "I hope you mean that because I'm holding you to it. Lead the way."

The two beautiful women turned a few heads as the hostess escorted the duo to their table. Olivia just oozed confidence and it was contagious. Amanda found herself putting a little something extra into her walk, trying to match the brunette stride for stride. When they were seated they both realized just how truly intimate _Sway_ was. Their cozy corner table felt exclusively secluded, separated from the rest of the diners.

"This place is amazing," expressed Amanda. "I don't think that I've ever been to a place this beautiful. How'd you get reservations here?"

"Well without giving away all of my secrets…let's just say that I know people," answered Olivia. "I've been meaning to try it out for a while now but of course I was too busy with work. So when I got the opportunity to cash in on an 'I owe you' I did."

"Must have been one hell of a favor because this place is just…wow."

"I'm glad that you like it," said Olivia just as the waiter approached the women.

"Good evening ladies, I'm Ryan and I will be taking care of you tonight. Can I start you ladies off with something to drink?"

"Uhm yes, I'll have a club soda with a splash of lime please."

Rollins raised an eyebrow at the brunette. "Club soda, really?"

"Hey don't judge me. I've barely recovered from last night. Not everyone comes from a small town of twenty where you have to drink just to get through the day and deal with each other," teased Olivia.

Ryan laughed which earned him a mock scowl from Amanda. "Funny, you're a funny lady." Olivia laughed while Amanda spoke to Ryan. "I'll have water, thanks."

"Sparkling?"

 _Good Lord._ "Seriously?" asked the blonde in her drawled out accent.

Taking the hint Ryan left to gather their drinks. "I'll have those drinks out for you soon."

"You know that you don't have to stop your fun on the account of me, right?" asked Olivia.

"I know. I just don't want to get tipsy and embarrass myself or reveal too much while you're soberly taking it all in. I don't need to give you any blackmail ammunition."

"You don't have to worry about that. Anything that happens or anything that we discuss stays between us. You can trust me, Amanda."

 _I'm beginning to._ Their eyes locked and a silent exchange of understanding took place. Rollins knew that anything not related to the case would stay between them. She found herself wanting to open up and also wanting to know more about the mysterious brunette. Many rumors had circled the beautiful and brilliant senior detective for years but they were just that, rumors. The only person who really knew Olivia Benson was gone. Rollins knew there was some unresolved friction with Benson's ex-partner but that wasn't her concern at the moment. The only thing that Amanda wanted was to be someone that Olivia would allow to get close enough to know the real her.

"Here you go ladies," said Ryan breaking the intense silent eye contact snapping them both into the present. The waiter quickly gave the two their beverages and took their orders. He sensed that they were having a moment and wanted to make himself scarce as soon as possible. The interruption allowed both women to gather themselves. Before the date both women had been apprehensive about conversing with each other about themselves but there had been a shift in the evening since then. Curiosity was an understatement.

"Ok so I know that people hate talking about their family so I'm going to keep it light…for now," smiled Amanda. "When you're not busy saving the world, what do you like to do for fun?"

"I wish that I _could_ save the world but I digress. Uhm well…for the most part I'm pretty boring," laughed Olivia. "I'm normally always so exhausted; when I can I sleep my life away. When I'm not murdering my pillow I go to the gym to swim. I swam in high school and college, I love it. It allows me to clear my head and relieve some stress. I love music, so I try to see as many live bands and concerts as possible."

"What kind of music?" Olivia was about to answer but Amanda stopped her. "No! Let me guess…you probably like super intense love songs. Carole King is probably your goddess and you listen to Beyoncé when you want to be hip and escape the EMO," teased Rollins and Liv couldn't help but to laugh out loud. This 'Rollins profile' of her music choices was hilarious. "I'm right aren't I? Is that why you're laughing so hard?"

"No, I'm laughing at that's the vibe that I unknowingly give off. EMO Carole King pretending to like Beyoncé to fit in, wow. At least you're honest but no that isn't me. I like all music but my favorite is old school Motown and funk. That's when music made you feel something. Even though I do like Carole King, I'll take Aretha over her any day."

"Oh wow, I didn't see that coming at all. I take it all back; you're definitely full of surprises Liv…"

"You have no idea. So tell me besides work what brought you to New York?"

"Well…" began Rollins, she took a sip of water before continuing. "I needed a change. Georgia is…well it can be a bit suffocating. Last year was rough on my family and I couldn't stay anymore, I had to get out of there. Every corner I turned, there was a memory there to remind me of something or someone terrible."

Olivia listened intently, noticing the nervous way that Amanda was twirling her glass in her hands. The blonde barely made eye contact with her and she knew that there was much more to the story. Whatever happened back in Georgia clearly affected Rollins and she wasn't dealing with it. Liv didn't want to push her but she could tell that the blonde was teetering with telling her the full story or not.

"I'm sorry…I really didn't mean to unload all of that on you. It's just when you brought up home I just—"

"Stop," interjected Olivia. "You don't have anything to apologize for," she reached across the table to grasp Amanda's hand. Watering, soft blue eyes finally looked up to find sincere brown ones burning with genuine concern. Ryan came back with their entrees as they reluctantly released each other's hands.

The two ladies finished their meals with small talk in between. The heavy topic from earlier had slipped from their present conversation but it wasn't completely off their minds. They chatted about how amazing their food was and how much they were enjoying each other's company. At the end of their meal Rollins tried but was stopped by Olivia to pick up the check. Amanda let her with the condition that she treats them to some FroYo after dinner. The duo decided to walk the few blocks to get dessert.

"I had a great time tonight, thanks again for dinner Liv. _Sway_ was amazing and the art breathtaking."

"You're welcome, Amanda. I saw how much you enjoyed the art. Maybe one day you can show me some of your pieces."

Rollins looked up at the taller detective with a cocked brow before asking, "What makes you think that I have secret artwork? Maybe I just like looking at beautiful things…"

Olivia smiled before saying, "You might like looking at beautiful things but I can totally see a sensitive artist underneath all of that feistiness. You try not to let people see the real you but I'm beginning to see you, Amanda and I like the vulnerable side of you."

Amanda had no clue how Olivia saw past her tough façade but she did. The internal pain that the southerner tried to hide everyday was slowly beginning to consume her. Just thinking about everything that she had been through with her family in the last year had the blonde's eyes misty with unshed tears for the second time tonight. Liv saw the young woman fighting desperately trying to hold it together. Without hesitation the brunette used her left hand to raise Amanda's chin in a soothing way, so that they were eye level. Olivia then gently grasped both of Rollins' hands offering the young woman comfort with her eyes telling her that it's alright.

"God, I don't know what's with me tonight," blurted out Rollins. "I'm sorry for being so emotional. It's just when you asked me about my home I thought about my brother. He uhm…h-he died last year," whispered the heartbroken detective.

"Oh Amanda…I-I'm so sorry," said Olivia as she pulled Amanda into a loving embrace. The blonde allowed herself to be consoled. She hadn't dealt with her brother's untimely death and running away to New York hadn't done much to fill the empty void. The two stayed like that for a while as a few silent tears streaked down the blonde's face. Amanda hadn't allowed herself to be comforted like that in such a long time that she had forgotten how much she needed it and how good it felt to be in someone's arms. Amanda quickly realized who that someone was comforting her and pulled away abruptly startling the brunette.

"I'm alright," drawled Rollins as she swiped quickly at the remaining moisture on her face. "I'm fine," her wall was quickly rebuilding.

Olivia saw her shutting back down and gently took the blonde's right hand in hers. "If you ever need to talk to someone, a punching bag, someone to get drunk with or whatever you need…I'm here, Amanda."

Amanda was overcome with emotion. The gentleness that Olivia was showing almost had her breaking down again. The blonde woman clung onto the soft hand offering support. She let her eyes roam from their conjoining hands up to beautiful eyes that she truly saw for the first time. Something was drawing Amanda closer and closer to Olivia. The closer she got to Olivia the faster her heart raced. Her head began to tilt, as if on autopilot.

"Fucking dykes!" Olivia used her body to shield Amanda from the bottle flying towards their heads. Liv grabbed Amanda and lunged them both to safety. The speeding, attacking car came to a screeching halt as two males exited the vehicle spewing derogatory remarks. The two detectives were still recovering from the initial attack as the two men inched closer to them.

"I'm not armed," whispered Amanda to Liv as she began to panic.

"Neither am I but I have a plan. Do you have your badge?"

"Yeah it's in my clutch."

"Good. Get it and follow my lead," commanded Olivia.

"Ok, I'm ready."

Olivia nodded her head as her eyes told Amanda to trust her. "Police! Police, freeze! Don't take another step!"

As the experienced detective expected, the two men took off running towards their car. Normally they would give chase but seeing that they were both unarmed, the men running away was the best outcome for this particular situation. Relieved that they were both out of present danger both women let out a deep sigh, feeling lucky that the situation didn't escalate.

"Are you alright?" asked Olivia. "I basically tackled you."

"I will take a saving tackle over a bottle to the head any day, thanks."

That caused Olivia to chuckle, "Anytime. Come on let me get you home before those homophobic assholes come back. I'm pissed that we couldn't bust them."

"Don't worry, I got their tags. They'll get what's coming to 'em," said Amanda with a cocky smile on her face.

"Huang's going to love this…"

And boom, Olivia's last statement brought Amanda back to reality. They were just acting, it wasn't real. The blonde felt stupid for letting herself get caught up but was grateful that she didn't completely embarrass herself earlier by leaning in for a kiss. The pain that she felt knowing that it was all part of their cover surprised Rollins but she wouldn't let it show.

"Yeah, he is."

 **Sorry for the wait, life. Anyways, I hope that you like this chapter. Please R &R and let me know how I'm doing or any ideas. Thanks for reading.**


	4. Chapter 4

Amanda tossed and turned in her bed, trying to stop the night's events from running rapid through her mind. This undercover op was getting to her. She didn't know how to fake vulnerability and the surprising security that she felt while exposing herself was so confusing. It was easy to keep her wall up normally but Olivia was making it extremely difficult for her to do so. She wondered had Olivia noticed the moment when she leaned in subtly. Every time she thought about how close she came to kissing the brunette, she winced and put her pillow over her face in shame. Amanda was beginning to question everything. Was she attracted to the brunette bombshell? Or was she just lonely and needed someone to listen to her problems? The first option would just further confuse her so she blamed it on the loneliness. She made a vow to herself right then and there to get laid as soon as the assignment was over.

Across the city, Olivia was also no closer to sleep than her 'partner'. This had become bit of a regular for Olivia over the last few weeks. Normally she would be up obsessing and going over every possible reason for why Elliot still hadn't contacted her after his sudden departure but tonight was different. Yes she was up and yes she was obsessing but it had absolutely nothing to do with her former partner. Olivia felt like the biggest bitch in the world for how she had treated Amanda prior to their current assignment. The bomb that Amanda had dropped on her about her brother's death affected Olivia deeply. The difficulty of their job alone was more than enough to stress anyone out, with such a devastating loss to deal with on top of that was unimaginable. The new revelation caused the brunette to see how strong and resilient the young detective really was. Liv felt an overwhelming need to protect her and be there for; she wanted to know more about the woman. And if she was being completely honest with herself, she enjoyed being around Amanda. Loneliness didn't even begin to describe what Olivia had been feeling for the last few months. She had completely isolated herself from the outside world excluding work and it felt nice to be in the company of such a passionate, strong and beautiful person.

Olivia hadn't really paid much attention to the blonde when she first arrived at the 1-6 to be honest. Now that they had spent some time together Liv saw just how beautiful the young detective truly was. And that accent was becoming one of Liv's favorite sounds. The way that she slurred her name when she was drunk the night of HairGate was adorable, _Liiiiiiv_. The memory caused the detective to chuckle. Although the circumstances were not idea, Liv was glad that she got a chance to get to know Amanda better away from work. The heartbreak and pain that was on the blonde's face after talking about her brother absolutely crushed Olivia. She wasn't close with her own half-brother but if something were to happen to him she would be devastated. After the emotional night that Amanda had, Olivia wanted to have a sort of pick me up for her lined up. The detective glanced at the clock to see if now would be a good time to call or text. It was fifteen minutes after five, she decided to send a text and Amanda would just see it when she woke up. _Hey I know you're probably asleep. I was just wondering if you wanted to have breakfast at around nine? Let me know if that's a good time for you. See you later. –Liv._ After Olivia sent the text she put her phone away and tried to catch a few hours of sleep before she had to get up.

Amanda's phone vibrated on her nightstand and she wondered who would be texting so early in the morning. When she saw who the message was from her interest peaked. She read the message with a smile on her face. She wanted to text back right then but she didn't want to seem too eager so she decided to wait. The more she thought about it the more she realized how silly it sounded. She was up and decided to go ahead and respond back, not wanting to play games. _Sounds good but you have to let me pick the place this time. I will pick you up at nine. See you then._

Amanda knew that there was no way that she was going back to sleep now. She wanted to address a few things with Olivia about their date and the thought about it had her on edge. So she decided to go running. Black yoga pants, a white tank top under her favorite Atlanta Hawks sweatshirt and cross-fit neon Nike's completed her look. Normally when she ran she didn't arm herself but after last night she wasn't taking any chances. She grabbed her small hand held taser from her top night stand drawer and secured it on her hip, pulling her sweatshirt over it. She left her apartment a few minutes after six and headed off to the park.

Amanda arrived at Olivia's apartment a little before nine. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. The brunette swung open the door and Rollins knitted her brows in confusion. Olivia stood before her, a perspiring mess. She had on a blue head band pulling back unruly, damp, short hair. And she looked like she had been working out in short black shorts with compression tights underneath and a gray NYPD tank top, with an electric pink sports bra underneath. Olivia smiled at Amanda's confused facial expressions.

"I'm sorry, I lost track of time working out. Come in," Olivia stepped aside to allow her guest in. "I just got back home not too long ago. I was just about to hop in the shower but I see you're all ready to go. You're not starving are you?"

"I mean I worked up an appetite running but I'm not going to faint or anything. And I would prefer that you showered. That would be best for the both of us," teased Rollins in her signature accent.

"I see you're full of jokes this morning. Sit down," said Liv in a commanding tone which caused Rollins to get moving. The voice that she used caused Rollins to shudder in a good way with a small smile lingering on her lips. Returning back to her normal tone, "Make yourself comfortable, I won't be long. Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm fine. Go shower, I'll be busy snooping through all of your stuff," smiled Rollins. Even though she was totally serious she had a mocking tone to her voice.

"Well all of the truly damning evidence is in my room, which will be locked while I shower," quipped Olivia. "But please make yourself comfortable and snoop away. I'll make it quick."

Olivia headed off to her bedroom, closing the door behind her. True to her word as soon as she heard the door close, Amanda got busy checking out her surroundings. Liv's apartment was much cozier than her own. Earth tones, candles and pictures made the apartment feel homey. The blonde examined the pictures closely. There were pictures of Olivia with her mother; another with who she assumed was her ex-partner and a pre-teen boy that Amanda didn't know. _Interesting._ Rollins took the investigation to the bookshelf where she got lost in everything ranging from classic Dickens to 'Policing for Dummies.' An old high school yearbook caught her eye next. She flipped through the pages and read some of the things that Liv's classmates wrote about her. It was obvious that the brunette had always been someone that people liked and respected being that she was selected as 'best all-around' and 'most likely to make a difference in the world.' Amanda smiled as she tried to imagine what Olivia was like in high school.

"Find anything scandalous?" asked Liv startling the blonde.

"No but you did put a restriction on an entire area that may be holding something that falls under the scandalous category…" said Rollins as she turned around to see a smiling Olivia.

"Hmmm," shrugged the brunette. "Search warrant needed," Amanda laughed out loud at the lame cop joke. "Come on, I'm ready and I'm starving. Where are we going?"

"It's a small little place that I found after I first moved here, _It's All Gravy_. I got so homesick the first few weeks in, food wise. And I swear it was almost like I was back at home when I ate there for the first time."

"I have a strange feeling that my jeans aren't going to like this place very much. Come on, lead the way."

The two detectives grabbed a cab headed towards the restaurant. Amanda was happy to see that Olivia hadn't been treating her any differently since her uncharacteristic mini break down. Rollins definitely wanted to apologize for getting too emotional toward the end of their date. Everything was going amazingly well until her brother came up, the blonde shook off the memory and refocused on her plan to keep everything light. Olivia noticed the far off look in the southerner's eyes but she let her process whatever it was in peace, what she had to say could wait until breakfast. Fifteen minutes after leaving Liv's apartment, they were in a small booth at _It's All Gravy._

"I feel like I'm going to gain ten pounds just by breathing in this place."

"Mmmm, smells like home."

"Mandy! I was wondering if you were going to be in this week," said the friendly waitress, Carol.

"You know I can't stay away long. Carol this is my…uhm friend, Olivia. Olivia this is the sweetest woman in the world Carol."

"Nice to meet you, Carol."

"Nice to meet you too, Olivia. Any friend of Mandy's is a friend of mine. Let me get you girls something to drink and I will give Olivia sometime to look over the menu. Take your time." Carol left the two alone so of course Liv could use that time to tease _Mandy._

"So _Mandy,_ huh? That's so cute."

Amanda glared at the brunette even though her secret smile was about to betray her faux anger. "No one calls me Mandy except Carol got it Benson?"

The brunette threw her hands up in surrender. "Ok then _Amy_ ," she said while beaming that mega-watt smile which caused Rollins to finally give up and smile as she rolled her eyes.

"Oh shut up. Look before we order or go any further, I wanted to apologize about last night. I got too emotional and unprofessional. It won't happen again."

"Amanda, you don't have anything to apologize for. I meant what I said last night, I'm here for you. I can't imagine what you've been going through. I'm the one who wanted to apologize. That's why I asked you to breakfast. I let my own problems get in the way when you first got into the squad. I was a bitch and I want to apologize because you're great." Olivia saw that Amanda was about to interject but she stopped her before she could. "And no I'm not saying that just because of what you told me. I've noticed a lot of good qualities about you before all of this; I was just too stubborn to give you a chance and I regret that. So I'm sorry Amanda. After all of this is over I want you to know that I will still be here as someone that you can depend and lean on."

Rollins took in every single word that the veteran detective was saying. It was almost overwhelming to see the great Detective Benson so sincere and apologetic for her actions. It was something about Olivia that just continued to draw Amanda in. The blonde knew of her before joining the squad and had admired her work from afar. The actuality of knowing that the brunette was just as amazing as she imagined that she would be had Rollins' head spinning in a good way.

"Wow that means a lot to me Liv, thank you and apology definitely accepted. And the feeling is mutual you know? If you ever need to talk about anything or whatever you may need, I'm here." The blonde stared deeply into a sea of chocolate and nearly melted. Those beautiful eyes were intense with something that Amanda couldn't quite put her finger on but she was definitely enjoying it nonetheless.

"I appreciate that Amanda, seriously," she gently squeezed the blonde's hand and sent her a soft smile laced with gratitude. Rollins flushed and before she could register it, the hand that was caressing hers was gone. "Now let's eat."

The women finished their breakfast and headed to Dr. Huang's office. Their session was different this time around. He interviewed both of them separately before they had a joint session. He and Olivia talked about how comfortable that she felt being 'out.' They also discussed the altercation that they had with the two homophobic men. Amanda's session alone was a little different. First she made sure that what they discussed was confidential not even telling Olivia. After he reassured her she talked about the unexpected outburst about her brother and she even confessed that she leaned in. Of course he did the typical how does that make you feel doctor bs. And she rebutted with saying if she knew that she wouldn't be asking. Their time was up before they finished and it was time for the joint session which was awkward on Amanda's end. To make matters worse their homework was to spend the night in moving some of their things into the house that they would be staying in while they're undercover. They ended their session with Dr. Huang and made plans for the night's events.

Amanda had just dropped her last box of belongings on the floor of her and Liv's new condo. Olivia looked on in disbelief at how much weight that the blonde was able to carry at once. "I now see why you eat like a three-hundred pound man; you have the strength of one."

Rollins laughed and threw her sweaty rag at the wannabe comedienne. The brunette dodged and made a face while laughing. "I can't help it that you think egg whites and fruit count as breakfast."

"We all can't eat piles of ham, eggs and hash browns drowning in gravy. We have things like our figure to worry about oh and I don't know some small thing like cholesterol!" exclaimed Liv with expressive eyes.

"We all have to die from something might as well be happiness," shrugged the young detective. "And your figure is just fine…trust me."

That last part was said with a sultry tone that caused crimson to spread across Liv's face. "Thanks but I would rather have your figure any day," said the brunette with a wink.

 _She's flirting too, right?_ Amanda thought to herself, she wanted to make sure that she wasn't just imagining things. She wanted to ask Liv some personal questions but she didn't have the courage to do so while sober, sadly. Although they were finished with their 'homework' Rollins wasn't ready for their night to be over with just yet. So she took a walk through the condo thoroughly examining it to prolong the time. The blonde ended the tour in the kitchen as she checked out the fully stocked fridge and freezer.

"Well they certainly went all out for us huh? This is more food than both of our apartments have in them combined, I like it."

"And enough booze to throw a frat party," added Olivia as she grabbed two glasses and held up a bottle of bourbon. "Shall we?"

"Absolutely."

Olivia poured them both a glass and passed one to Rollins. They toasted and let the amber liquid perform its magic. The day had finally come to an end and they both knew that tomorrow would be the big day. There was some nervousness on both parts especially after the incident that occurred after their date. Knowing that Nick would be ghosting them with Munch and Fin outside helped to ease their minds slightly. They continued to drink and chat as the night went on. Olivia's phone rang startling both women. She took the call while Amanda teased her about slurring her words, she ended the call and both bust out into a fury of laughter. Something on Olivia's phone caught Amanda's eye so she grabbed it to get a closer look. Liv finally noticed that Rollins was looking at something on her phone with a perplexed look on her face.

"What is it?"

Amanda turned the phone around for Liv to see. "Our selfie that we took that night I kicked your ass…it-it's your wallpaper?" drawled the detective even more than normal given the fact that her BAC was elevated.

"Yeah," said Liv in a what' the big deal sort of tipsy way.

"But wh-why is our selfie your background picture?"

Olivia knitted her brows in confusion. The alcohol wasn't helping her in determining if the blonde was upset by it or was she just actually confused. She didn't look upset to Olivia so she tried to explain it the best way that she could in her current state of tipsiness.

"Ok when you have kids," began the veteran detective which earned her a loud guffaw from the other woman. "Wait hear me out, hear me out. When you have kids your kids are your screensavers, when you're single your pets are and when you're married or in a relationship your significant other is, so that's why." That was all said in one slurred breath.

Amanda still looked lost and Liv thought that she was going to have to spell it out for her. "Hmmm ok makes sense. So what if you don't have a kid, pet, bae or in our case a pretend bae then what?"

Olivia laughed so hard that she could barely catch her breath. "Ok I'm going to need you to never say bae again," more laughter came from both women before Liv got serious. "It doesn't bother you though, does it?"

"No! It doesn't bother me at all. I don't know…I think we look kind of cute together," shrugged the blonde with a flirty smile on her face.

Olivia took the phone and looked at the photo again before saying, "I definitely think you're right. There'll be more," The brunette dished out a sexy little smirk of her own. "Ok I'm done drinking, no hangover for me in the morning. I'm going to bed."

Amanda watched Liv head toward their bedroom before it dawned on her that Liv was going to spend the night in their new condo. Her mind was racing and the alcohol didn't help. Was she supposed to stay the night too? Did Liv want her to sleep in the same bed as her? What in the hell was going on? Olivia yelled out from the bedroom stopping her twenty questions.

"Don't drink too much! And don't pass out on the couch come to bed. Goodnight, _bae_!"

The sound of Olivia's laughter filled her ears as she finished the rest of her drink. _I've had too much to drink because I like her calling me that. I need to leave now before I do something stupid._ "I'm going to go back to my apartment. Goodnight." Before Olivia could even respond Amanda was out of the door and on her way home. _Get your shit together, Amanda._

 **I'm enjoying the slow burn but I would like to hear what you all like and want to happen. Thanks for all of the new followers and favorites. And to everyone that has reviewed, thank you for keeping me motivated. I'm going to try to update once a week with your help!**


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia didn't know what terrible thing occurred that had Amanda bolting back to her apartment out of the blue. The night had gone well or so Olivia thought. The brunette was hoping that she hadn't done anything to make the young detective feel uncomfortable. She replayed some of the night's events in her mind; she wasn't drunk just a little buzzed so there couldn't have been an embarrassing drunken moment that she had forgotten about. _What happened? What did I do?_ Confused and running late for her first day back at the office since she was assigned this particular case, Liv decided to bottle her concerns and focus on the long day ahead of her. Tonight was the night to see if she and Rollins could reel in their serial rapist by doing some airtight pretending.

All of the detectives of the 1-6 were awaiting the arrival of Dr. Huang, Benson and Rollins who were due to go undercover officially together for the first time later that night. The senior male detectives of the unit, Munch and Fin, just wanted to see the two women 'together' as a couple before they had to get serious and go out to bust the perp. Captain Cragen, however, was hoping that he had made the right decision in pairing the two female detectives up despite their presumed disdain for each other. Benson and Huang arrived first, the usual self-assurance radiating off the seasoned detective. The comedic duo of the unit, or so they thought, filled the squad room with whistles and claps. It was their first time seeing Olivia since her new makeover. The Captain killed their innocent little cat-calling display with one stern look; he was on edge and not in the mood for any jokes.

"Captain aren't we allowed to complement our colleague for fully committing to her character? She should know that we appreciate her efforts and we—"

"Shut up Munch!" The Captain was in no mood for Munch's jokes. "Where the hell is Rollins?!"

Huang, Munch, Amaro and Fin looked at Olivia for the answer that she just didn't have. The first rule of any partnership is to always protect your partner. Twelve years, a few months, a week or just for the day…always protect your partner. Olivia didn't want to let her mind wander to the possibilities or reasons why Rollins wasn't at work. The last time she saw the blonde, she was intoxicated and practically fleeing from their condo. Wisely she chose to keep that particular bit to herself. With protect your partner being her main objective; Liv sprang into 'Mission Bullshit Em' quickly.

"She was putting the finishing touches onto her character when I last saw her. You know, going over her notes in depth and making sure that she had everything down. No worries, she's—"

"Right here," interrupted Rollins. Everyone turned their heads to the voice of the blonde detective entering the room. Her color wasn't as pale as it normally was and she had this confident aura that the other detectives weren't used to. They were taken aback by it. Liv, on the other hand, thought that the confident swagger fit Rollins rather well. Surprising to Olivia as well as the other detectives, Rollins got the case briefing started.

"An unknown white male assailant, targeting prominent lesbian couples is on a violent escalating streak. The victims have been approached unknowingly by their assaulter while out at high end establishments. The perpetrator is successful, arrogant and charming. His rage is thought to be brought on by rejection although there may also be an issue or hate for lesbians. He's entitled and no isn't in his vocabulary. We have three places that we think might be on his radar for the weekend. Liv and I are ready, Captain. We've got this," Rollins said confidently with a special look and nod for Olivia, the brunette returned the nod with an intense gaze of her own.

"That's what I like to hear," said the Captain, his voice returning to its normal tone. "Dr. Huang, do you have anything to add?"

"Just a couple of things, Captain. This perp is very aware of his surroundings so Amaro will need to be very discreet. There can also be no earpieces for Benson and Rollins. He's meticulous and will notice the most subtle appearance of inauthenticity. The reason why none of the women remember him while they were out is because he's good at blending in. He probably spotted them one night and waited for the perfect opportunity to attack at a later date or he saw them and decided that night to attack. He doesn't have a specific pattern to his attacks so, Detectives be vigilant and be safe."

"Thanks, Doc. Like Amanda said, we're ready," reiterated Olivia.

"Ok starting tonight, you two are deep undercover. You will not report back in until the suspect is apprehended or until we have reason to suspect that the perpetrator has moved on. You will have back up while you're out but when you're home you're on your own. This is a very dangerous assignment because you will not have back up 24/7. You just have each other…last time are you both sure that you're ready for this?" asked the concerned Captain.

The two female detectives looked at each other. They had been preparing for this moment and now here it was, sink or swim time. The reality of just how dangerous this assignment was had both women feeling the pressure. If Amanda was going under with only one person to watch her back, she couldn't have a better partner in Olivia. Both were ready and determined to get the job done. With one last look for each other they put Captain Cragen's worry to rest, reassuring him that they understood the danger and was ready to face it head on.

"Alright, Amaro will be the in between man. If you need us to run anybody's background that you think might be the suspect text him. Do not call, text only from your burner cells. If you need back up, text him and we will be there. I have total faith in you both. Now go and nail the son of a bitch."

Everyone started to go their separate ways after the Captain concluded the briefing. Amanda went over to her desk to get a few things, clearly avoiding Olivia. She was embarrassed about how she ran out last night and how she avoided Liv's calls and texts. Benson had questions for Rollins but now wasn't the time or place. Before the women left, Dr. Huang wanted to discuss something with the two female detectives in private. He motioned for them to follow him into an empty interrogation room.

"I wanted to talk to you both in private," began the doctor. "This task is going to be emotionally draining mentally. It's going to bring up some things that you weren't even aware of how you felt. You will need each other to lean on throughout the assignment, it's important that you take care of each other mentally as well as physically. When you step out of these doors, you're no longer yourselves. No cop talk whatsoever, just you two together. I suggest you both keep journals and at the end of the assignment we will go over them individually for your debriefing. That's all, Detectives. Good luck."

Benson and Rollins let Dr. Huang leave the interrogation room while they remained seated. The tension in the room was thick but neither woman knew how to address the other. They both had absorbed everything that Huang had said. They knew that he was right and that they had to depend on each just as much emotionally as well as physically. Olivia glanced over at Amanda, trying to see if she could read the young detective. Olivia felt that it was her job to be the leader, so she led.

"Look…I don't know what happened last night but it's over. I don't know what made you run out last night but if I did something to offend you, I'm sorry. We have to be on the same page now and I don't want you to think that I would ever put you in jeopardy or do anything to hurt you. I feel this overwhelming need to protect you and I'm going to do that, just trust me Amanda."

Rollins felt so terrible for allowing Liv to believe that she had done something wrong when she had, in fact, done everything right. So right. She couldn't let Olivia take the blame so she decided to be honest and let her know exactly what happened. _Well some of what happened._

"You didn't do anything wrong Liv, it was me," she saw the questions ready to fly from Olivia's lips but she chose to keep on going, determined to get through her statement. "Just listen…I was intoxicated and may have misinterpreted certain things because of it, so I left. You did not do anything wrong, it was me and my shit. Last night is over like you said and I'm ready to do this. I trust you and I hope that you trust me, because I've got your back Liv."

Amanda made eye contact with the brunette for the first time since they had been in the interrogation room. There was a bond being formed, trust was developing between the two. They both said what the other needed to hear. The reassurance that their words provided went a long way to ease both their minds. With the air finally clear, they left the interrogation room and headed back to the squad room. When they re-entered the room the male detectives studied them up and down, trying to see any falter, which they didn't.

"I'm starting to see it," whispered Munch in Fin's ear. "They're actually looking like a couple now…and a hot one at that."

"You old perv," replied Fin.

"I'm not a perv for stating the obvious, my friend."

Nick rolled his eyes at the senior detective and approached the women walking toward them. "I'm going to arrive an hour before you get to _Gianni's_. I'm ready and I've got your six, ladies."

"Thanks Nick, I just hope that he's hunting tonight. I want his ass put away for life," fumed Olivia.

"So do I," chimed in Amanda. She then turned to Liv and said, "Well we should get going. Big night tonight, see you in a few hours Nick, bye guys."

"Take care of my partner Liv," said Fin.

"I'm on the job. See you guys; don't burn the place down without us."

"Can't make any promises," joked Munch before he got serious to say, "You two be safe and come back here in one piece."

With one last nod the two ladies left their squad room headed for their condo. The weight of the world rested on their shoulders but they wouldn't have it any other way. The two female detectives didn't exchange any words on the elevator ride as they both were consumed with their inner thoughts. They walked out of the precinct's door both realizing there was no turning back now. Olivia looked at Amanda, silently reassuring her, and took her hand as they walked down the busy sidewalk together as one. The blonde smiled and felt her nerves start to settle as she intertwined their fingers and squeezed gently to let Olivia know that she was with her.

 **Later that evening…**

"Here we go," said Liv. "I don't know if I told you or not but you look amazing."

Amanda smiled and ran her left hand through Olivia's short hair to fix a stray lock before saying, "And you look hot, very hot." Her favorite sight of the brunette blushing was right before her eyes and she couldn't hold off her own smile watching the detective blush.

Olivia wrapped her arm around the blonde as they walked into _Gianni's_. "I've got nothing on you, babe. Let's go."

 **Thanks for reading, I wanted to get into the first night's action but I will keep it for the next chapter. Feedback is love.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Happy New Year! Ok I've finally caught up at my real job so I'm back on track with this story. An update a week is back on now that the holidays are over. I hope you're still interested and I hope you enjoy. I made the chapter kind of lengthy because of the wait. Happy reading!**

 _Gianni's_ was a swanky Italian lounge that was known for its chocolate martinis and amazing performances. The theme of the night happened to be 'Chocolate and Fire' and it was filled to capacity. Red, modern futons lined the walls of the dimly lit lounge and there were people everywhere. Drinks were flowing, fire was blazing and the night had officially begun for Olivia and Amanda. Their eyes wandered around the room, taking in all of the scenery. Adrenaline rushed as their cop instincts took over, scanning the room for anyone that seemed to be trying too hard to blend in. Olivia spotted Nick on one of the futons talking to an exotic looking woman, their eyes briefly met before he returned his attention back to the mystery woman.

 _Gianni's_ had a sexy atmosphere and Amanda could see herself getting lost in that environment if she wasn't technically working. The intrigue and mystery that the establishment possessed was alluring. Beautiful people surrounded them but Amanda felt like she could put the woman on her arm up against anybody in the room. She let her eyes roam up and down the tall brunette appreciating the vision standing beside her. Olivia was dressed in a curve clinging navy blue women's tuxedo suit outlined in black with nothing but tanned skin underneath and suede Louis Vuitton red bottom heels. Her hair and makeup was chic and flawless. Amanda sighed subtly as her eyes wandered, taking in every detail of the vision beside her.

Olivia could feel burning eyes locked onto her every move. Knowing who the owner of those intense, blue eyes belonged to, had the brunette feeling more confident than usual. A flirtatious smile danced on her lips as she studied the gawking blonde, who was oblivious to Olivia's own visual assault. The blonde was wearing a short, strapless, little black dress. Perfectly toned arms, calves and thighs were on full display. A silver clutch and heels completed the look along with straight blonde hair with her signature side bang. Amanda still hadn't noticed Olivia's staring when the brunette pulled her in close to whisper in her ear.

"You know if I didn't know any better, I would say that you were checking me out…"

That caused a deep crimson blush to invade the neck and cheek bones of the admiring, blonde detective. She wanted to say something, anything but words were failing her miserably at that particular moment. Olivia saw her struggling, and then she noticed a flash of embarrassment sweep across her face. Liv quickly put a stop to it so that Rollins wouldn't feel awkward. She resumed her close proximity to the shorter woman before she spoke again.

"Relax, I didn't say that it was a bad thing," Olivia said as she pulled her arm tighter around the petite waist bringing their bodies together dangerously close. Amanda released a shaky breath and leaned into the surprising affection.

Nick witnessed the entire encounter from across the room. The sensuous and intimate way that the two interacted was hard to turn away from. He prided himself in being the ultimate professional and on not being an old perv like Munch but the sight that he was watching unfold was hot. The images of his co-workers that were currently running through his mind were so inappropriate that he would need to see a priest for confession soon. He tried to quickly recover from the unprofessional moment and get his head back into the game. Nick scanned the room as the two female detectives headed to the bar. It was harder than he imagined, determining innocent admirers from possible suspects due to the fact that the ladies were such attention grabbers. He excused himself from the futon and company that he was occupying to find a better vantage point.

Amanda sat on the bar stool while Olivia stood leaning onto the bar besides her. They ordered two sparkling ciders, since they were working, that could pass for champagne just in case _he_ was watching. Everything that surrounded them caused their senses to heighten. The music, bursts of fire suddenly spewing from people's mouths and hungry gazing men shooting daggers through the two detectives. They both were thinking that there was definitely more than one predator in this place, but which one was their target. Knowing that one main rule was no work talk while they were out, due to possible eavesdropping, they tried to be vigilant while being themselves also.

"We came on the perfect night. I love chocolate," drawled Amanda. "The fire is kind of cool too but I swear it's just a lawsuit waiting to happen. It's so funny how people have made a career out of something that drunk idiots in Georgia do just for fun on a boring Monday night."

Olivia laughed at the irony of Rollins' last statement. "I've never looked at it that way but you've got a point. At least back where you're from they're drunk; these people are soberly swallowing fire. I don't get it but I must admit they're pretty entertaining artists."

"Artists? Really? That's a stretch don't you think?"

"Whew sorry," Liv took a step back from the blonde in a dramatic teasing fashion. "You're kind of defensive about just throwing that word around so casually huh?"

"No, no it's not that. It's just—"

"It's alright, you don't have to explain. I love the fact that you take pride in being an artist."

Amanda smiled bashfully, feeling a little exposed. She rarely talked about her artistic side; it was something that she used to escape from painful realities. Some memories were so painful to talk about that all she could do was express it in the form of painting. Olivia saw her internal struggle on whether she was going to elaborate more on that topic or not. She was interested and wanted to know more but she didn't want Amanda to feel pressured.

"It's just me," smiled Olivia as she moved in closer staring directly into unsure blue eyes. "Tell me as much or as little as you want but remember…it's just me and you can tell me anything."

Amanda subtly shuddered at the words and at the close proximity of the brunette. Rollins couldn't remember the last time that she felt like this around someone. It was confusing but also exhilarating. The physical beauty was obvious, but Olivia possessed something else that made her absolutely beautiful. Amanda allowed herself to look into dark brown eyes, searching for something that she didn't know she needed until she got closer to Olivia. Companionship. The single, solitude life that the young detective led was all that she thought she would ever need. No one to let you down or no one to get too dependent upon was what Amanda always thought that she would ever want or need. But standing there, looking at someone that was genuinely interested in knowing her, dark secrets and all, had the blonde seriously second guessing her thoughts on the insignificance of having a companion.

Amanda ran her right fingers through short brunette hair, continuously getting lost in a deep pool of mocha. She could easily stare for hours and never get tired of the sight. What was it about this woman that drew her in so easily? Rollins didn't have the answer but she knew that she wanted more of whatever it was that she was feeling. _But it's not real._ Her brain kept reminding her of that every time she relinquished a bit of control.

"I've got to go to the restroom. I'll be back," said Amanda as she scurried away from Olivia blending in with the crowd of people.

 _Why does she keep doing that?_ Internally asked Olivia as she downed the rest of her cider wishing it was a real drink. Every time that Liv thought she was getting closer to Amanda, the young detective would just run away. Whoever was responsible for Rollins' super tough exterior was scum in Liv's book. The senior detective could see that there was more than just the death of her brother that built that stony wall. The mysteriousness of the blonde was intriguing to Liv but the multiple layers to her character were what really caught her attention. Amanda's attractiveness didn't hurt either. Refocusing on the task at hand, Olivia began to scan the room again but the ding of a fluke being set down in front of her gained her attention.

"Excuse me but I didn't order—"

"It's from me. Hi, I'm Kelly," the attractive woman extended her hand out to the unsuspecting brunette.

Liv accepted the hand and shook it, "Hi, Olivia."

"I'm sorry I didn't know what you were drinking so I just told the bartender to send over champagne. I hope that's alright."

"Uhm…it's fine, thank you."

Amanda took her time in the restroom. The wall that she had spent so many years building was slowly tumbling down. The emotions that she was feeling were so abnormal. No one had ever had such a deep effect on her. Most of the guys that she had dated only wanted one thing, none had taken such an interest in minute things such as her childhood or background like Olivia had. It felt real. Every question, concern, touch, glance, comfort, everything felt real. Amanda wanted to know if it was all in her mind or was Olivia feeling it too. _How do you ask that without sounding like a needy fucking idiot?_ She had never let herself completely go with anyone. The fact that it was all pretend was a good crutch to fall back on, so she could let go and claim that she was just deeply committing to her role. _Just let yourself go, stop overthinking it. Be in the moment._ Satisfied with her new plan, the blonde left the restroom to find Olivia.

Amanda re-entered the room with new determination. She looked around the room, taking in all of the different people. Some people were drinking to keep it together; some were drinking to give it away. Desperate guys were trying way too hard to impress needy girls. Fire breathing performers were putting everything into their routines. Rollins continued to scan the room as her eyes landed on Olivia talking with some woman at the bar. The woman shamelessly flirted with the detective as she batted long lashes and hung onto every word that Liv said. Amanda's feet moved on their own headed over to the women. They were mid conversation when Rollins walked up to them.

"So what do you do for a living, Olivia?"

"She's a community activist and motivational speaker. An amazing one at that," interrupted Amanda as she intertwined her and Olivia's fingers together with a cocky smirk aimed at the confused woman.

"Hey I was beginning to worry about you," said Olivia to Amanda, Liv then returned her attention to the other woman. "Kelly this is Amanda, Amanda this is Kelly."

"Her _girlfriend_ ," added Rollins with added emphasis on girlfriend for Kelly's sake stretching out her hand to the beautiful stranger.

Olivia was shocked at the feistiness but it quickly turned to into amusement when she realized that Amanda was jealous and marking her territory. Olivia wanted to laugh but she knew that wouldn't go over well with the blonde at the moment. Instead, she kissed their adjoining hands and then pressed her lips against Amanda's left temple. That caught the blonde completely by surprise and heat radiated throughout her body. Liv gave her signature smirk that Amanda absolutely adored before returning her attention back to Kelly.

"Yes this is my girlfriend. We've been together for three years. She's an artist, an amazing one at that," said Olivia echoing Amanda's words back to her.

"Oh…I didn't know that you were involved Olivia."

"Yeah, we're pretty happy," said Amanda with a bit of an edge to her voice.

"Oh uhm, well…here's my card, use it if you ever need an event planner or anything else," said Kelly suggestively.

"Thanks, we'll keep that in mind," said Amanda as she snatched the card and stormed off with Olivia hot on her heels.

Nick took note of the women moving and began to reposition himself as well. Amanda had found a spot for her and Olivia on one of the famous futons. They got comfortable and took in their new surroundings. On the couch with them were two other couples that were busy giving everyone a free soft porn live show. Ignoring the obnoxious PDA, the two women focused on each other. They were sitting closely and Olivia's arm was draped over the blonde's shoulder very comfortably.

"Sorry for busting up your flirting session with Ms. PR but I thought that it looked bad. _My_ girlfriend flirting with someone else," said Rollins in a snarky tone. She was trying to say with _him_ possibly watching but knew that she couldn't actually say it. It was imperative that they remained in character so Amanda chose to act like a jealous girlfriend would if she caught her girlfriend flirting with someone else.

Well aware of what Rollins was trying to say, Liv chose her words very carefully while she reassured her partner. "I was not flirting, Amanda. I would never jeopardize us." Olivia raised her infamous brow and there was a knowing look that they both shared, understanding what was being said. "I'm not even sure if she was flirting, she was just talking about her work."

"Oh please, she was shameless. Her words may have been innocent but she was looking at you like a piece of meat while you were obliviously charming."

"Hmmm…I see now."

"What? What do you see?" asked Amanda. The way that she said 'what' put a smile on Liv's face. That drawl was so distinct.

"You were jealous."

"Well yeah, who wants to see their partner flirt with someone else?"

Olivia shook her head with this intoxicating look on her face. She pulled Amanda's hair behind her ear so she could whisper in it. " _You_ were jealous." Stunned blue eyes met brown and Olivia simply shook her head. Liv pulled back from Amanda's ear and resumed her position beside her on the futon.

 _Busted._ Amanda knew there was nothing to say because yeah she was worried about their cover but she really didn't like Kelly flirting with Olivia one bit. She had already decided just to go with the flow earlier in the restroom so she did. "I've been known to be a bit territorial at times…problem?"

Olivia was happily surprised that the blonde owned up to it. Normally when she tried to talk to her about anything real she would run away. _Progress._ "No, I told you…I like the feistiness," said the brunette with a wink. "So this place is closing in about an hour. You ready?"

"Yeah I am. Lead the way."

The two detectives ended their first official night out. They took a cab home and texted Nick from the burner on their way. The awkwardness that normally surrounded them was gone. When they got home they went over the night's events. A few people stood out to them, so they compared notes. Satisfied that they had done their jobs, they put together the plan for the next sting. When they finished their work Olivia wanted to avoid any repeats of their first night in the condo, so she decided they should talk before going to bed. Since coming home, the two had gotten out of their fancy clothes and were just in lounge wear.

"So work aside…how'd you feel about tonight? I didn't make you feel uncomfortable in any way did I? asked Olivia.

"Tonight went fine and no you didn't do anything." Amanda chose her next statement carefully; she wanted Olivia to understand that it wasn't her. "Since we began this whole thing you've been nothing but amazing to me. I freak out from time to time because I'm not used to leaning or depending on anyone, ever. My childhood was difficult to say the least. The one person that I used to lean on is no longer here, so it's just me." She took a pause before continuing. "I don't let people get close to me so this is an adjustment for me. So when I get scared or uncomfortable, I run. I've only had one boyfriend and that was in high school. I'm a loner so it's difficult at times for me to pretend because I don't know what it's like to even be in a relationship."

Olivia took it all in, everything. She understood Amanda completely, she knew what it was like to feel alone and the one thing that lonely people hated was pity. So she let the blonde know that she had an ally. "I'm an only child and I consider myself a loner too. Hand full of relationships, only one serious when I was a teenager just to get away from my mother." Amanda looked up at Olivia whose head was down as she played nervously with her fingers. "I used to just think that my mother hated me but after her death I knew it. I've never told anyone this before but my mother committed suicide." Amanda subtly gasped, she had no idea. "The captain and everyone else thought that she got drunk and fell down a flight of stairs but she did it on purpose. I got her suicide note a few days after her death in the mail. I didn't have the courage to tell anyone because I blamed myself." She finally looked up with watering eyes before she said the last part, "I'm the product of a rape, you may have heard that but in the note my mom said that she loved and hated me at the same time. So I don't let people too close to me either and the one person that I did left without even saying goodbye."

A weight lifted off of Olivia as she finally said the words out loud to someone else. Tears fell down her face as she tried to sweep them away but it was no use. The dam had been broken and her emotions overflowed. Amanda had never seen Liv look anything more than strong so to see this fierce woman shattered pulled at her heartstrings. Unaware of what she should do in the moment, Rollins just reacted. She walked over to the wrecked detective, pulled her up by the arm and just wrapped her arms around her neck. Olivia reciprocated the hug and they stayed like that for a while before Liv broke away.

The brunette wiped the rest of the moisture away from her face before she spoke. "Badass Benson, right?" said Olivia sarcastically, feeling vulnerable and foolish for oversharing like that.

Amanda saw through that because it was her same self-deprecating tactic. "Even more badass now if you really want to know the truth," the blonde smiled and nodded her head to let Olivia know that she meant it. Olivia gave a half smile that didn't reach her eyes. Rollins knew the feeling of wanting to just move on so she threw Liv a lifeline. "I uhm, I brought a few of my art pieces that I have been working on. You uhm, want to see them?"

Olivia's head shot up from the ground and looked at the young detective intently. Liv knew how big of a step that was for the blonde and the fact that she trusted her to see her work put a real smile on Olivia's face. "I'd love to."

 **Hope you enjoyed, I changed a few of the canon things to make the story more interesting I hope. The perp may be showing up soon, I wanted the ladies to bond a little more first though. Read, review and enjoy. Thanks.** **P.S. I'm beginning to ship them now lol.**


	7. Chapter 7

The first official night of their undercover assignment was over and done with. It ended on an emotional note for both women. Both shared things that they had kept on the inside for years. Amanda stirred first, her eyes adjusted to the light as her brain tried to figure out her location. It took a few more minutes but she finally realized that she was in her new condo home away from home. A subtle sigh and light movement in the bed startled her. Rollins looked over to her left and saw a sleeping Olivia Benson lying beside her. That revelation caused the blonde to jump straight up. She left the room with haste headed to the guest bathroom and closed the door.

"Oh my God, oh my God!" Amanda had completely forgotten that they went to bed together. After their emotional talk and impromptu art expo de Amanda, the two were exhausted. Amanda said that Olivia could have the bed and she would take the couch, Liv wasn't having any of it. " _Amanda please shut up and just get some rest."_ And as it turned out, it just happened to be the best slumber that she'd had in a long time. Just as she was calming down, a loud banging on the door scared her. The loud noise woke Olivia up in a panic. Amanda ran back into the bedroom headed for her weapon, Liv was busy doing the same thing. After they were both armed, they slowly preceded to the door. They used hand signals to silently discuss their plan, Olivia took the door while Rollins took cover behind the living room's wall with her gun trained on the door.

Liv unlocked the bottom two locks of the front door but left the chain on. "Who is it?!"

A male voice answered, "UPS, delivery ma'am."

The detectives exchanged looks, still unconvinced, they needed more proof. "Put your badge up to the peephole," demanded Liv.

The man followed the instructions; Liv inspected the badge and sent a small nod towards Rollins. Olivia opened the door with the chain still lodged across it, "Who's it from?"

"It's from a G. Huang," The UPS man butchered the pronunciation.

Finally convinced that it wasn't a threat the women secured their weapons and Olivia opened the door. "Sorry about that, you can never be too careful."

"It's alright ma'am, I have a wife and three daughters, I understand. I just need a signature and I will be out of your hair."

Olivia signed for the delivery and the UPS man was on his way. The two women blew a sigh of relief. Normally they weren't so on edge but given the dangerous situation that they were in, the detectives weren't going to take any chances. Amanda looked at Liv and smiled at her disheveled appearance as short unruly brunette hair was flying in different directions.

"Hell of a wakeup call, huh?" drawled Amanda.

"I'd say, I almost shot an innocent UPS man before my morning coffee," quipped Olivia.

"And before you've seen a mirror…"

Already knowing what the amused blonde was referring to, Liv began running her fingers through her hair subconsciously. "Asshole."

With their teasing on hold for now, they returned their attention back to the delivery. The box was large and a note was attached. _"Sorry I couldn't deliver it personally but I hope that you both enjoy. Your friend, Huang."_ They both read the letter and opened the box. Inside there were two brand new leather covered journals with an _A_ initial on one and an _L_ on the other. The remaining contents of the box were specifically for Amanda. There was a sturdy easel, blank canvases and a plethora of paint and oil pastels. Amanda's eyes lit up with surprise and excitement which didn't go unnoticed by her partner.

"It's like Christmas morning, huh?" said Liv taking her turn with the teasing.

Amanda frowned, "Shut up."

After the morning's events the two women went about their separate daily routines. Olivia headed off to the gym while Amanda went for her daily run. The sleeping arrangements of the previous night didn't come up in conversation. Rollins kind of wanted to address it but she really didn't know how or what to say. It didn't feel awkward in the moment, it was the afterwards that unnerved the blonde. She just wanted to know what Olivia was feeling. Amanda hated that she couldn't read her but she wanted to know how all of their new adjustments were affecting her. _You could just be an adult and ask her, Amanda._ The women had plans to meet back at their condo at five for dinner. Neither were big cookers, although Amanda knew how it just was never enough time when she got to New York to do so.

Olivia was already home and showering when Amanda arrived back at the condo. It was still so surreal to be living with someone else. The weird secret single behavior that one normally does while alone can't be done in front of anyone else without risking looking like a freak. Amanda headed toward the kitchen for a water bottle before she went to the bedroom to get some clothes and head to the guest bathroom to shower. When she opened the door, Olivia was coming out of the bedroom's bathroom at the same time. The brunette was covered only by a towel, when Rollins nearly caused her to jump out of her skin along with the towel.

Olivia let out an uncharacteristic shriek before she could speak. "Amanda! You scared the hell out of me! I didn't know even know that you were back."

"Oh my God, oh my God I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I should've knocked, or yelled or s-something." Amanda was stuttering all over herself and she was sure that her face was bright red. "I-I will let you finish, sorry."

Amanda scurried out of the room, nearly tripping on her way out. The young detective was so embarrassed; she paced around the guest room trying to shake off the awkwardness. When she calmed down just a bit her mind wandered back to the sight before her eyes. A tanned and toned frame glistened before Amanda's eyes. Although Olivia caught the towel before it really revealed anything but the blonde still got a small glimpse of semi exposed flesh. Just the thought of gawking in the middle of the awkward moment caused Amanda to slam her hands against her face in shame. _What in the hell is wrong with you?_ While she was busy chastising herself internally, a knock on the door got her attention.

"Hey can I come in?" asked Olivia.

 _No, please go away._ "Sure, come in."

"I just got a text from Nick on the burner about the op tonight."

 _Not what I was expecting but thank you God for small favors._ "What's up?" Amanda went into cop mode instantly.

"We're going to the same gallery that we planned on but there will be some decoys inside to mingle with us about our 'careers'. You are releasing a new piece tonight and our 'friends' are going to be there to celebrate with us."

Amanda had a confused look on her face, "How am I releasing a new piece? They can't just put my name on someone else's work and call it mines!"

"I don't know all of the ins and outs but I'm sure Huang has everything figured out. Try not to worry; everything is going to be alright."

Olivia tried to keep the detective calm but she felt guilty for the white lie she just told. Nick let Liv know that they were using one of Amanda's personal pieces. She didn't want to tell her out of the fear that Amanda would get too freaked out before the op and her head wouldn't be in the game. Liv also wanted to see the look of surprise on the blonde's face. _I just hope this doesn't backfire._

"Anyways…the room is all yours, do whatever. I will be attempting to make us something edible before we leave for the night."

Liv's little joke put a smile on Amanda's face. She decided to play along and keep it light so the awkward moment wouldn't come up. "Oh good lord, just don't kill us, alright?"

 _Hmmm, that accent._ Olivia suppressed her smile to give Amanda a scowl for her joke at the brunette's expense. The mock offense just made the blonde laugh harder. Amanda went to shower while Olivia tried to flex her tiny culinary muscles. Amanda used her time in the shower to get refocused and ready for the night. She wasn't going to try and figure out why Olivia was having such a strong effect on her. The more she tried to figure it out, the more confused she got. The lines of reality were way beyond blurred for the young detective.

Olivia was preparing one of the few things that she could cook for them. The earlier incident of Rollins busting in on her was still lingering around in her mind. Liv caught the way that Amanda looked at her for a split second before she began her babbling. Rollins had checked her out plenty of times but it was always when they were out and supposed to be playing the part. However, this time was different. They were alone and free to be themselves without pretending and yet Amanda still chose to check her out. Olivia's curiosity was peaked but she dare not bring it up without the risk of the blonde retreating again. The case that they were working on was too important to jeopardize, Liv needed Amanda focused and sharp. They could sort out and deal with everything else later.

The duo ate dinner together with small talk in between. No obvious tension but they both were avoiding real topics, keeping it light with meaningless chatter. They hatched out their plan for that evening. They both agreed to up the PDA to try and bring out the perp if he was there watching. Nervousness filled them both at that thought but it was important to seem like a real couple. They also planned to leave each other and mingle with random men to see if they could catch a bite. That was a risky plan but both were confident that they could defend and protect themselves. Satisfied with their strategy they got ready for the night. Olivia wore a sleeveless black jumpsuit that hugged her body and stopped right below the calf with midnight blue pumps. Amanda wore a red spaghetti strap mini dress with black heels completing the look.

They arrived at _Expresiones Hermosas_ a little after eight. It was a beautiful gallery with paintings and sculptures on display for the eager onlookers. The two detectives entered the building hand in hand almost immediately spotting Nick. He gave each the ladies a subtle signal as he continued to mingle. Although they were technically working, Amanda couldn't deny that she was enjoying the opportunity to be looking at some of the best art in the city. Olivia looked over to see the blue in the blonde's eyes turn a shade lighter from sheer excitement.

"You look so cute when you're excited," said Olivia with a bright smile on her face.

Amanda snapped out of her temporary trance to acknowledge the brunette. "Oh shut up," responded the blonde who thought that she was being teased.

"I'm being serious, you do. I should bring you to galleries more often," she told Amanda with sincerity in her eyes.

"Maybe you should," smiled Amanda.

"Come on let's go find your piece."

"Yeah about that, I'm really not looking forward to it." She gave Liv a knowing look. Amanda was still under the impression that they had just slapped her name on someone else's work. That didn't sit well with the artistic detective.

"I think you will be pleasantly surprised, come on."

Olivia locked their fingers together and led them over to Amanda's piece. When they arrived in front of it, Amanda's mouth nearly fell open. She quickly closed it so she didn't look so surprised to the people surrounding them. Internally she was dying, she felt exposed for everyone to see. _How the fuck did they get my painting? Focus Amanda, keep it together. Just breathe._ At least she wasn't taking credit for someone else's work she thought for a second before she got pissed off all over again. She released Olivia's hand and headed for the exit. Liv was hot on her heels as they hit the night's breeze.

"Amanda! Amanda wait up!"

The angry detective kept walking; a part of her couldn't stop. She needed some fresh air and she couldn't deal with anything in that particular moment. Her stomach was churning and she could feel the lump rising in her throat. Amanda was a millisecond away from a complete breakdown. Images of her abusive childhood flashed before her eyes. The piece that they had chosen was inspired by a very dark event that happened when she was young. The more she thought about other people seeing it, the more nauseous she became. Her head was spinning and she felt faint. _Breathe._

"Amanda stop!" exclaimed Olivia.

Rollins knew that she couldn't run away because she had a job to do. Her work was all that she had left and she wasn't about to risk it. "I need a minute alone Liv, please."

Olivia understood but she couldn't leave her by herself. The seasoned detective kept a respectable distance while Rollins took a minute. Liv felt horrible, she didn't expect Amanda to react so strongly. The brunette knew how sensitive and private she was about her work but she didn't know the severity of it. Liv's only hope was that Amanda would be able to finish the assignment. Rollins paced back and forth in the alley beside the gallery while Liv looked on. _Ok Amanda you have a job to do. You can do this; no one knows the story behind it. Get it together and do your job._ Semi calm and over the initial shock, Amanda walked back toward the gallery where she saw Liv standing, waiting.

"Are you alright? I'm sorry—"

"Not now Liv, I can't get into all of this right now. I'm trying to keep it together, let me."

Olivia understood, she wanted to hug her but she knew Amanda wouldn't want to be consoled right now. "Ok, come on let's get back in there."

Amanda nodded and followed Olivia back into _Expresiones Hermosas._ Nick spotted the women re-entering the building and he had a concerned look on his face. He was close to blowing their cover when they disappeared but he waited. Liv gave him a small nod letting him know that everything was fine. They headed back to Amanda's piece and observed it. Olivia was so impressed; she had only seen one unfinished piece by the detective, so she was pleasantly surprised at the talent. Other people seemed to enjoy it as well. The two implemented their plan that they agreed upon earlier in the day. Although Olivia was a little reluctant to leave Amanda's side, they needed to work the room. After a while of mingling and stolen glances to each other the duo met back up.

"Interesting bunch here," said Olivia.

"Understatement of the evening," rebutted Amanda.

Olivia was happy that Amanda seemed better. "Great place though, amazing pieces." Liv took Amanda's hand and looked her directly in the eye for her next statement, "You're pretty amazing."

"You don't have to—"

"I know I don't but it's true, you're amazing," reiterated Olivia with even more certainty.

Amanda was moved by the brunette's words and wrapped her arms around Liv's neck. Olivia reciprocated the embrace immediately, relieved that Amanda still felt comfortable with her. "I think you're pretty great too."

A call to toast interrupted their little moment. It was one of the male decoys, "I just want to make a toast to the artist Amanda on her beautiful piece 'untitled', it is a magnificent piece. Congratulations."

"Here, here," echoed the crowd of people. "Speech, speech, speech," chanted the people.

Olivia saw the panicked look on Amanda's face. So she sprang into action quickly, grabbing a fluke before she spoke. "Actually I would like to say something." Amanda looked at her with confusion unsure of what she was about to do. "I just want to say congratulations to my partner and my friend. She is as talented as she is beautiful and an amazing human being on top of that. I'm so lucky to have her." Olivia then looked directly at Amanda before she said the next part, "We both have been through a lot in our lives but I'm so glad that we found each other. We were just what the other needed at the time that we came together and I'm so grateful. Here's to a great artist and an even better person. Congratulations babe. To Amanda."

"To Amanda," repeated everyone as they clapped, whistled and cheered. Olivia then walked to Amanda, grasped her face with both hands, grazed into misty blue eyes and gently kissed her on the lips. It was sweet, chaste, perfect…and it lingered just long enough for the crowd to erupt into cheers again. After they broke apart, the duo shared a look that was unfamiliar to them both. There was no embarrassment or regret. Nick approached them to render his 'congratulations.' That snapped them back into reality.

"I really enjoyed your piece Amanda, I loved it," said Nick. He shook both of their hands, lingering on his partners. They had recently developed a bond. "And I didn't catch your name but your speech was beautiful and graceful, just like you." Although they were in a character, Nick spoke the truth.

"Uhm thank you," replied Olivia, a little taken aback by Nick's words.

The two female detectives left shortly after Olivia's speech. The cab ride home was mostly silent. The kiss that was shared earlier between them was still on their mind. The two processed it differently. Amanda was trying desperately to convince herself that it wasn't real despite the feeling while Olivia was hoping that it wasn't too much for the blonde. They had agreed on more PDA but Liv wasn't sure that their understanding still stood after Amanda's breakdown. They arrived at their condo and Olivia was ready to discuss everything. Liv secured the condo, double checked the locks and alarm system before she went into the guest bedroom where Amanda was standing beside the bed staring into space.

Olivia recognized the distant look but she had to address the issue so that it wouldn't fester. "First off, I want to apologize to you about the—"

Amanda didn't let Olivia finish before she stepped towards the brunette, grabbed the back of her neck along with a gentle fistful of brunette hair. She stared into beautiful mocha colored eyes before instincts took over. "Shut up," before Amanda could think rationally, her lips had planted on Olivia's. Pouty glossed lips met unexpected plush ones. Everything that the blonde was feeling at the moment went into the kiss. Confusion, frustration, curiosity and most of all passion. Unbothered about what was next, Amanda let go and got completely lost in the feeling…and it was a pretty damn good one.

 **Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I love hearing from you all. Read and review, let me know what's good (or bad). What's next? The infamous perp appears? Hmmm…**


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm so sorry for the delay. I got a new laptop now, so we're back to the timely updates. Thanks for the new followers, favorites and reviewers. It's motivation to keep cranking the chapters out. Thanks and enjoy! Picking up where chapter 7 ended…**

A first kiss doesn't always necessarily mean the _first_ kiss. There's the initial first kiss, the first incredible kiss and the first kiss that negates any and all previous kisses. Yes, most times, first kisses are associated with being number one before the rest, but in this scenario it was different. Amanda acted on pure instinct when she claimed Olivia's lips. No, that wasn't Amanda's first kiss nor was it her first kiss shared with Olivia but for all other purposes it was her first kiss. It was the first time that she had ever initiated a kiss that she wanted so desperately. It was the first time that her fantasy of the most perfect kiss, paled in comparison to the bliss of experiencing _the_ perfect kiss. And most importantly, it was the first kiss that she shared with someone that she completely trusted.

The moment their lips connected, it was almost overwhelming. The feeling was different from anything that the blonde had ever experienced and it felt so right. The soft, tenderness of the kiss was a pleasant surprise to Amanda. It surpassed all of her usual rough, tipsy, sloppy ones. There was no other way to describe it besides right, and Rollins could so get lost into the right. Before the kiss went any deeper, Olivia slowly pulled away from the entranced blonde. While Amanda remained frozen in the moment, with her eyes still closed and her lips puckered. Olivia subtly cleared her throat to get Rollins' attention. Dangerously dark blue eyes filled with desire opened to find Detective Olivia Benson staring back at her. Panic set in, as once passion-filled eyes, quickly transformed into shocked unfocused ones. Olivia saw the sudden changes of emotion right before eyes. Amanda was gearing up to divulge into a whirlwind of explanations.

Just as the blonde was about to speak, Olivia placed her index finger upon Amanda's recently satiated lips. "Shhhhh…if whatever you have to say is still important in the morning, we can discuss it then. It's been a long night and right now, we're going to bed."

Amanda didn't put up a fight. She was physically and emotionally drained. The only thing that she wanted more than that amazing feeling she had just felt, was sleep. Without words, Rollins allowed Olivia to lead her into their bedroom. They didn't partake in their normal, nightly routines; they simply shed their shoes, jewelry and hit the sack. They were on their respective sides, backs flat to the mattress. Their thoughts were running marathons but neither spoke. Olivia could feel the discomfort radiating off the woman lying beside her. The brunette didn't say a word; she simply reached for Amanda's hand, linking their fingers. A small sigh escaped from the blonde as her body relaxed. The comfort allowed the racing thoughts to slowdown, so that sleep could overtake her.

Rays from the sun beamed through the bedroom window, disturbing the peaceful slumber of the senior detective. Olivia looked over to see that Amanda was still asleep and also noticed that their hands were still intertwined. She tried not to make any sudden movements, as she gently untangled their adjoined hands. Liv adjusted the blinds so that they wouldn't wake Rollins and then headed towards the guest bathroom. After finishing her morning routine, the brunette looked in the mirror at the reflection staring back at her. She looked like the same person she was before the start of this undercover op, minus about seven inches of hair. Although she looked relatively the same on the outside, there was a different person staring back at her.

Olivia knew that this assignment wasn't going to be easy. Her initial reasons about why it would be difficult differed from the current ones. She was prepared to babysit a rookie and deal with someone that she didn't care about getting to know. In no way, shape, or form was she expecting all of the personal emotional baggage. Yeah sure, Huang had warned her but she dismissed him, certain that there was no way that she could lose perspective. But here she was, thinking about how Amanda Rollins' presumed feelings, were having an impact on the way that she felt. Olivia was sure that not only would she loathe this assignment, but that it would also solidify her disdain for Rollins. Liv was wrong, dead wrong. This assignment allowed her to see the real Amanda. A sweet, sensitive, passionate person was lying underneath the tough façade that the blonde put forth.

Before the spontaneous kiss, Liv had been dealing with her own feelings. The things that she had disclosed to Rollins hadn't even been uttered to her former partner. She didn't know why she felt so comfortable exposing some of her deepest secrets. At first Liv thought that she was doing it so that Rollins wouldn't feel like the only one sharing personal issues. But the ugly truth was that, she felt comfortable and safe with Amanda. And comfort didn't come easy for the seasoned detective. Guarded was an understatement, but there was something about Rollins that relaxed her. Mixed emotions, barely there lines of fantasy and reality perfectly described Liv's feelings. However, she was determined not to say anything to Rollins until she was certain about how she felt. She didn't want to risk making the blonde uncomfortable or risk looking like a fool putting herself out there. So whatever her personal feelings, would have to wait.

Olivia needed somewhere else to direct her attention. She knew that when Amanda woke up, they would have to talk and Olivia really didn't feel like having a big talk. The thought about talking about the kiss and what it meant, unnerved the detective. This undercover operation, proved to be more than just any normal undercover assignment. Olivia decided to go on the offense, so that she could navigate the direction of the conversation whenever it happened. She was unaware of how much longer they would be undercover together, but she knew that they couldn't effectively do their job while distracted. Liv was satisfied with her plan; she just didn't want Amanda to feel like she was brushing her off or worse. As the brunette was debating on whether she should leave before Amanda woke up or not, the decision was made for her when she heard the distinct drawl coming from the hallway.

"Mornin'."

"Good morning, Amanda."

"It's not good yet, any coffee?"

Olivia chuckled at the blonde's desperate need for her morning caffeine. "Yeah, I got you covered. Here you go."

"Thanks, mmm that's good. Ok. Good morning, Olivia."

Liv laughed a little harder this time at Amanda's antics. "Good morning. How'd you sleep?"

"Too good, I was supposed to go running at dawn. I'm just now dragging my ass outta bed, so it's safe to say that I slept very well. You seem like you've been up for a while. Did you sleep ok?" asked Amanda.

"Yeah, I did thanks…" Olivia played with her mug, avoiding eye contact with the other woman.

Amanda noticed Liv's uneasiness and avoidance. It was something that she was quite familiar with, being the queen of avoidance herself. Rollins took another sip while trying to figure out why Olivia was acting so strange. Then boom, the previous night came rushing back as she figured out why Liv was avoiding her. The morning haze finally leaving the blonde completely, she remembered everything that happened between them. _Shit. Ok, don't freak out. Just be honest…honest-ish._ Liv was still focusing on anything except Amanda, so she figured this would be her best time to let it out without interruption.

"Look Olivia about last night—" Amanda saw the brunette attempting to stop her but she was determined to speak her peace first. "Please, just let me say this. I uhm, I was blindsided last night and caught completely off guard. I can't put into words how exposed I felt last night at the gallery. I felt like a scared, helpless, ten year old all over again. Then you made _that_ speech just to help me keep it together and I took it a different way because I'm completely screwed up and vulnerable. I misinterpreted you doing your job for something else and I just reacted. The kiss, both kisses really but the second one in particular…" Amanda was rambling and talking a mile a minute but she was determined to get it all out. "I apologize for crossing a line. This assignment it's uhm, it's yeah…I don't even understand why or what. I'm not usually so…" Amanda waved her hands in a circular motion looking for her next words.

"It's ok, I understand," said Olivia. Rollins gave her a yeah right look, that's when Liv tilted her head so that they were eye level before she spoke again. "I did kiss you back…" Olivia let that revelation dawn on the surprised blonde before she continued. For the first time that morning, their eyes connected and it was if a mutual understanding was being transferred silently between them. "So like I said, I understand. And my speech…yeah I wanted to diffuse a potentially uncomfortable situation for you but I meant every word that I said. So whatever happened…happened because of us both. We don't have to get into what it all means or figure it out right now. I actually think that might be for the best." Olivia said it as a statement but it was also a question that she hoped Amanda had a likeminded answer to.

"Well," started off Amanda, still trying to process everything that Olivia had said. _She meant everything that she said, she kissed me back._ "Uhm I agree with you, on everything. That's yeah, yeah…"

Olivia smiled; Amada's confusion and loss for words amused the detective. "Right. Hey I checked the burner when I woke up for our assignment but there wasn't anything new. I'm going to the gym for a swim. Text me if we get anything, I'll be back in a few hours." Still reeling from their conversation, Amanda was slow to reply. "Amanda, Amanda did you hear me?"

Y-yeah. Swim. Burner. Text. Copy. Go."

Olivia stared strangely at the young detective before she gathered her things to leave.  
"Uhm ok, I'll be back. Later."

Amanda was still sitting at the breakfast bar, baffled, a while after Olivia had left. Their conversation was still lingering in her mind. She wasn't crazy and Olivia had been feeling something too. Amanda wasn't sure if Olivia's feelings were on the same level as her own but she was happy to know that she wasn't crazy. _I'm not crazy, she feels something too. Or felt something?_ The what ifs, what's next and other questions were running through the detective's brain. But she came back to reality when she remembered that she wasn't supposed to be thinking about all of that now. She had a job to do and she wasn't doing it, she hadn't budged since Olivia left for the gym. The blonde went in search of the burner cell to see if they had any news about their assignment for the night. There weren't any updates for the detectives and that was strange. They would typically get a reminder about their assignment early in the morning. While Amanda waited on a text, she went through her and Olivia's notes so far. Nothing was jumping out at her and it was so frustrating. After adding a few more details to their notes she headed for the studio. She looked at the blank canvas but then something else caught her eye. The leathered 'A' journal was staring back at her. Sighing with defeat, she took the journal and sat down in the corner of the room.

 _-Well this is strange. I don't consider myself much of a writer but I guess this ain't about perfect subject-verb agreement. Or about using ain't, and using it proudly might I add. This is where I write about all of my sappy feelings. Feelings are the worst. Fucking feelings. Ok here goes…I 'feel' so unlike myself. It's like I'm not even the same person I was before I started this damn assignment. I don't share, I don't talk about my issues, I don't 'feel' the need to. After all of the talking, the same damn problems are still there. So, not only does it not solve anything but now you have someone 'feeling' sorry for you and your troubles. No. I don't need anyone's pity. I've done pretty good for myself. I have a career that I'm passionate about and a new life that I've built for myself. I 'feel' like that's enough for me. But over this past week, I 'feel' like there could be more out there for me. So much more..._

Amanda was so lost in her writing, in her _feelings_ that she hadn't noticed that Olivia was even in the condo. Once she let go and started to vent, she couldn't stop. When she was tired of words, she went to the canvass and started to express herself via paint. Olivia made herself busy going over their notes and possible suspects. The day was passing by and Amanda was still locked away in the studio. The brunette didn't want to bother her, especially in the studio. The risk of interrupting her work, meditation or whatever she was doing in there was what kept Liv away for hours. She wondered if Amanda was aware of the time that had passed. Liv was about to knock but decided against it so that she could find out what the hell was going on with their op. Liv found the burner and sent a cryptic text. A reply message was received a few moments later. That's when Olivia didn't have a choice but to interrupt whatever Amanda was doing.

"Hey," said Olivia followed by three knocks on the door. "Can I come in?"

The knock startled Amanda, as she was staring at the now colorful canvass. She threw some things around and tried to clean her paint stained hands. "Uhm, just a minute. I'm going to come out. It's a mess in here." Part truth, part lie…Amanda couldn't let Olivia _in_ , she just couldn't.

"Ok, I'll be up front."

Amanda put things away neatly now that she knew Olivia wasn't about to burst through the door. She shed her paint covered apron and went to clean up in the restroom. She took off her watch before washing her hands and gasped at the time. She couldn't believe that much time had passed without her knowledge or concern, to be honest. She took those final moments to get her head back in the game. Pleased and ready to see what the plan was, Amanda went to find Olivia.

"So what's up? What do we got?" asked Amanda as she entered the room.

"Uhm well, nothing," replied Olivia.

"What do you mean nothing?" Amanda wasn't following.

"I mean we don't have an op tonight. They have a possible suspect in custody for 24 hours. Nick doesn't think he's the guy but they've been interrogating him all day which means we're off tonight, since we won't have any backup."

"Hmmm…ok."

"So we're free to do whatever we want," said Liv. "Oh and Huang said if we go out, same rules apply until the case is officially closed. I'm afraid you're still stuck with me."

That put a smile on Amanda's face, her first one all day. "And you with me," now Liv was the one smiling.

"Alright. So what do you want to do? Or not do…I mean we can just stay in if you want. Or go out, or maybe we could—"

"Whoa, slow down. I see my rambling has rubbed off on you," teased Amanda. "I've been inside all day, literally all day. I would like to get out for a while. Could go for a drink, you know since we're not working and all. So…what do you say?"

Olivia smiled, a change of scenery was exactly what she needed, and she too could use a drink. "It sounds good to me. Maybe we can have a rematch of the pool game that cost me my hair." Liv ran her fingers through her hair dramatically to make her point.

Amanda laughed at Liv's antics. "I have no problem with continuing my winning streak," the blonde had a smug smile on her face before continuing. "Where do you want to go?"

"We'll see about that. Uhm…I don't know. Definitely not one of the fancy, uptight places, that we've been lately."

"Oh, lord no. I've enjoyed the art and visiting such beautiful places but the people are so freakin' pretentious and stuck up, ugh."

"I know, right?! Ok, let's get ready and leave in about an hour," said Olivia.

The two detectives went to separate rooms to get ready. Although both were fully committed to catching their perp, this day off was appreciated and needed by both women. Huang had warned them of the emotional rollercoaster they would be on but they didn't expect it to be so intense. Even though they were still undercover, being able to go out and relax was something that both were looking forward to. The previous nights out had been so emotionally intense, that a change of pace was definitely desired. A little over an hour later the detectives were ready to leave the condo. They eyed each other's wardrobe, both appreciating being able to wear more casual attire.

"Goodness, is there any look that you can't pull off?" mumbled Amanda underneath her breath, with that distinct drawl.

"Huh?" Olivia couldn't make out Rollins' last statement. But the brunette subconsciously looked down at her ensemble, making sure that nothing was out of place.

"Nothing," replied Rollins with a small smile on her lips. "I called a cab, it should be here soon."

The detectives left their temporary condo, headed to have some fun. Amanda stole a few brief glances at Liv on the way. As much as she wanted to deny it, her time consuming day's inspiration was mostly in thanks to the brunette. A part of her was embarrassed about the kiss and the other part wasn't sorry, especially after Liv told her that she kissed back. Amanda had to stop thinking about that or it would ruin her night and she needed some light hearted fun without obsessing. They arrived at their destination and Liv's eyes lit up.

"I love this place!" exclaimed Olivia as they made their way into _Banx_.

"I know…" said Amanda with a teasing smile on her face.

Liv looked confused, "How'd you know?"

"You told me the night of HairGate," both laughed at the silly name coined by Munch. "I'm not surprised that you don't remember though; you were trashed. You went on and on about _Banx_ after we finished the game. How their tables were better, the lighting was better, and how the name was so cool because it was like banks but with an 'x'. You really went on and on and on," teased Amanda.

Liv shook her head and covered her face in shame. Olivia cleared her throat in dramatic fashion, "I'm uhm, yeah no words," laughed the detective. "Well at least something good came out of that conversation, because I truly do love this place. So…good pick, now let's have some fun."

It was a Friday night, and _Banx_ was filled with people. Olivia knew the place pretty well so she led the way. Liv noticed that the billiards area was pretty crowded, so she grabbed a stool for them at the bar. "Let's have a few drinks first, the tables are crowded. What do you want to drink?"

"Uhm, whatever you're having is fine."

"Ok," Liv ordered their drinks and raised her shooter up for a toast. "Cheers."

"Cheers," they clinked glasses and threw back the shot. The distinct taste was known to Amanda almost immediately. "You would pick my frenemy, tequila. Gosh, I cringe at some of the memories."

Olivia laughed at the pained expression on Rollins' face. "Oh you've got to spill a least one good one."

Amanda was shaking her head, determined not to spill. "Oh no, you're not getting those out of me so easily. No way," they both laughed as they sipped their beer. Two more shots were placed in front of the women. They looked at the bartender as he pointed down to the end of the bar. A handsome guy was smirking at the ladies. "Oh shit."

"What? What's wrong? Do you know him?" asked Olivia while checking out the guy.

"Unfortunately, yes…I do."

"He doesn't know you're a…we're still us you know," said a cryptic Olivia.

"No, he doesn't. We're uhm; we don't know talk much, we're just uhm kind of…" Amanda stopped when she saw him leave his stool. "Oh god, he's headed this way. Just freakin' kill me, kill me now," muttered Amanda under her breath. Draining the last of her beer, avoiding touching the strings attached shot.

"Amanda? I thought that was you," said the man wrapping his arms tightly around the petite woman's waist. She was awkwardly leaning into the hug, while trying desperately to avoid eye contact with Olivia. "Long time no see, that's a shame." The man pulled away from the hug to rake his eyes up and down the lithe body, almost predator like.

"Hey…Kevin," sheepishly replied Amanda.

"You look mmmm, fucking hot," said Kevin looking at the blonde like she was dinner.

Olivia could tell that these two knew each other _very_ well. The way that he was looking at her, how uncomfortable she was that she was practically squirming; were dead giveaways. Not to mention that Amanda hadn't even looked the brunette's way since her mysterious friend's arrival. Olivia didn't know what to do, she didn't know if Amanda wanted her to be discreet about their 'relationship' or if she wanted to be saved. Not to mention Amanda hadn't bothered to introduce her. Since she didn't know what to do, she decided to just let things unfold naturally and follow Rollins' lead.

"Uhm, thanks, I think…"

"You know, I was just thinking about that time when we—"

"Let's not go down memory lane, huh?" cut in Amanda.

"You're right. We can always make new memories, sweetheart," Kevin moved closer to Amanda, his body pressing firm against hers. He leaned in to kiss her neck when she stopped him, enough was enough.

Amanda jerked away from him as she pushed his toned body away. "I don't think so, Kevin. I'm actually in a relationship."

"A relationship? You?" Kevin laughed in a dramatic fashion. "Come on babe, seriously?" When Amanda simply nodded, he tried another tactic. "Well what he doesn't know won't hurt," he tried to lean in again, her forearm stopping him yet again.

"Actually, _she_ would know," said Amanda as she nodded her head towards Liv.

 _That's my cue._ Olivia turned away from the bar. She had given them their privacy while listening to every word. Kevin's mouth nearly hit the floor at the bomb that Rollins had just dropped. "No fucking way," said the disbelieving man.

The seasoned detective extended her hand, "Olivia. I would say nice to meet you but you just spent the last ten minutes trying to seduce my girlfriend."

Kevin took her hand, lingering before she snatched it away. "I'm, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I would've invited you to join the party, sexy. The more the merrier, right?"

Both women audibly sighed with disgust. "Go away, Kevin," said an annoyed Rollins.

"But I—"

"She said, go away," reiterated Liv in her classic stern, badass Benson tone. Kevin threw up both of his hands in defeat as he left the two detectives. _Awkward._ Amanda felt the need to say something, to explain.

"I probably, uhm, I probably should explain," said the blonde timidly.

"No, no you shouldn't," Liv tried to make eye contact with the bashful woman. "We all have a past. Who am I to judge?" The brunette smiled so sincerely, as she reached for Amanda's hand, gently stroking it.

 _Oh my god._ Rollins wanted to melt. The sincerity, the smile, the defending…everything that woman did was swoon worthy. But Amanda just couldn't. She couldn't keep depending on Olivia's comfort. This was a job, one that would end and there was no reason getting accustomed to something temporary. Amanda moved her hand away from Liv's touch. "Don't, alright. Just don't."

"Amanda, I was just trying to—"

"I know, but don't." Amanda walked away from the bar and Olivia. Normally Liv would give the woman her space but she was beyond confused. She needed to know what happened that quickly. The brunette took the woman by the arm and led them into the restroom. The detective checked underneath all the stalls to make sure they were alone before she began to talk.

"Ok what the hell just happened? I was just trying to reassure you. To let you know that we all have a past, that you're not alone. You don't have to be embarrassed. I understand and I would never judge you based on your past."

Amanda laughed sarcastically. Her head was about to explode, everything that Liv said, was exactly what she needed to hear but didn't want to. "See this is why I just can't with you, I can't let you in. You say all the right things and comfort and console and reassure, ugh. I-I told myself that I was just going to roll with it and go with the flow but I can't, ya know? Whatever happens, happens. But I can't, I just can't completely let go with you."

"Why?!" exclaimed an exasperated Olivia. She didn't understand. If she was doing all of the right things, then what was the problem?

"Because!" exclaimed the equally exasperated detective. "I'm scared! I'm fucking terrified that I'm not going to know how to go back. Back to the way I was living before… _this_." She waved her hands between them. "I'm afraid I'm going to get too use to this…to you." Amanda looked Olivia directly into those gorgeous eyes.

"Well…" began Olivia with a small chuckle. "I guess that makes two of us."

 **Again, so sorry but I'm back to the regular updates. This is a lengthy chapter, hopefully to make up for the wait. I hope that you're still reading and I REALLY hope that you're still enjoying it. R &R, I like hearing from you guys. Be back, soon! **


	9. Chapter 9

**This chapter is going to be heavy on the dialogue between the two detectives. Different change of pace for me, hopefully it works. Picking it up where they left off…enjoy!**

"See…that!" began the amped up blonde. "That's so, ugh. That makes two of us?! No it doesn't. You don't get it. I can't get used to you being here for me. This is going to end and you're going to go back to whatever you were doing before this. And on top of that, I would have to live with the fact that you know very personal details about my life. I hate pity and I hate feeling less than. And when this is done you're just going to—"

"Stop telling me what I'm going to do!" exclaimed a fed up Olivia. Amanda was shocked by her tone. "You don't know anything! You've assumed a lot but you haven't asked me a single question. I've been on my own basically my entire life too, alright. It's hard for me too, but the difference is, I don't push you away. Or make you feel like shit for just trying to help. Or tell you what you're going to do when this is over, so please just, stop!" Olivia ran her fingers through her hair and sighed heavily, as she paced back and forth. She tried to calm down, so that she could finish explaining, rationally. "Look…neither of us know what's going to happen after all of this is done. But we do know what's happening right now and what we're feeling right now. So let's just be present in the moment, and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Believe me, that isn't something that comes naturally for me but I'm trying. I don't open up to people easily either; this situation is different than anything that I've experienced and I've been doing this for a long time. I can't describe the feeling except for different. But one thing that does help, is remembering we're not alone in this…we've got each other."

That last statement took a lot of the steam out of the room. The tension was slowly easing as Amanda really listened to what Olivia was saying. This whole time, Rollins had been under the impression that she was the only one having a hard time dealing with everything. Olivia was so stoic, strong and seemingly un-phased that Amanda didn't think she was being affected. Seeing Olivia so frustrated, baffled and pissed, helped Amanda to see that she wasn't the only one in a state of confusion. She felt terrible for being so self-involved, for only seeing her point of view, when Liv was going through too. Especially considering the fact that, Liv had been there for Amanda, taking care of her the entire time.

Neither woman looked at the other as silence fell upon the room. Amanda finally found her voice again and addressed Olivia, "You're right, about it all. I'm sorry, Liv." The brunette looked up from the floor, brown meeting blue, understanding meeting sincerity. "I'm just so bad at this, so bad. I've been so caught up in my own head that I didn't even think about you and your feelings. See this is why I don't do relationships…I'd be fuckin' terrible at them." Amanda practically whispered the last part but Olivia still heard it. "I'm sorry about tonight, about Kevin and all of… _this_. I wanted tonight to be fun and I've turned it into, I don't even know what."

Olivia stood there for a while, sizing up the other woman. The defeat was all over her countenance as she pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing heavily. "The night's not over yet, I mean it doesn't have to be. I can rally, if you can."

Amanda opened her eyes to see the other detective waiting on an answer. A small smile danced on her lips, which caused Rollins to soften up some. She couldn't deny that smile, and she wasn't ready for the night to end, especially on a bad note. "I can rally," said the blonde with a weak smile and more confidence than she felt.

"Good. I'm going to hug you now. Not because I think you need one. Not because I think you're weak. Not because I pity you. Not to oblige you. But because I want to…and _I_ could use a hug right now." This time Amanda's smile was genuine. Olivia closed the distance between them and pulled the blonde into a warm embrace. Both exhaled a little deeper, allowing the other's comfort. They stayed that way until someone entered the restroom. Olivia headed for the door first when Amanda grabbed her hand, much to the brunette's surprise.

Amanda shrugged nonchalantly, " _I_ could use my hand being held right now." Olivia laughed at her words being used on her. She gently squeezed her hand, nodded, and led them back out into the busy bar.

After they were seated back in their stools, Olivia resumed their convo. "So before we were rudely interrupted," smirked the brunette before continuing. "You were about to tell me one of your famous stories…"

Amanda laughed at Liv's sneaky attempt to get her to spill. "That's funny; I don't remember agreeing to that at all. Nice try, though."

"Fine, I tried."

"I don't hear you telling your embarrassing stories. I'm all ears."

"Maybe I don't have any or maybe I'm taking them to my grave," shrugged Olivia. "I've never been a big binge drinker or anything like that though, even in college."

"Of course you weren't. Makes sense why you were so trashed the night of HairGate and totally hung-over the next day," smiled the teasing blonde.

"Shut up," said the brunette as she tossed a mini pretzel at the other woman. "I wasn't trashed, just a little buzzed."

"No, you were smashed, trust me. You talked to _me_ more that night than you had in two months. Even Fin noticed and teased me about it. He said 'told you she didn't hate you' I told him you were just drunk," Amanda dodged as another pretzel flew her way, as she laughed. "Stop throwing pretzels at me for telling the truth. You asked me questions, like we were on an interview. When you suggested that we take some pictures, Fin and I knew it was time to get you home."

Olivia laughed and covered her face, slightly embarrassed. "Fine, I might have been a little drunk," finally admitted the detective. "Hopefully I didn't annoy you or ask anything too personal." The look on Amanda's face said it all. "Oh god…"

"Relax, it was fine. You asked me about Georgia, how I got the job, the differences in jobs…mostly stuff like that."

"Mostly?"

Amanda smiled; she couldn't brush that piece by the other woman. "You asked if I lived alone, was I married or did I have a live-in. Then do I have a boyfriend or girlfriend, and why not." Olivia face palmed again in shame, while Rollins just laughed. "When you went too personal I just changed the subject. It was pretty easy, given your inebriated state."

"Wow…well, it's a good thing that I'm not a big binger or I would definitely have a lot of stories for you." Olivia shifted gears for a second to get something straight. "You didn't really think that I hated you, did you?" Amanda didn't say anything, just made a face and took a sip of her beer. "Wow, I'm just learning all sorts of fun facts today aren't I?" Liv finished her drink and ordered another. "I didn't hate you, Amanda. I just, god, I hated El—" she stopped to re-word that. "I hated that things were changing and I had no control over any of it."

Amanda looked at the woman beside her. The hurt was still in her eyes. The same pained look that was there a few months ago returned. A sadness that Rollins hadn't seen since they'd started their assignment. "You loved him…" it was more of a question than statement.

Liv gave a sad lopsided grin before answering. "It wasn't like that. It was…well, it doesn't matter. He left. Without any warning, without a good—he left and I haven't heard anything since, so yeah. The point is that it wasn't you that I hated and I apologize again for all of that."

Amanda's heart went out to Liv. She'd heard many stories about the former partners; she knew that they were practically inseparable. Finding out that they hadn't been in contact was new to her. It was better hearing the story from Olivia, it felt nice that she trusted her. "Please, water under the bridge. And that sucks, I'm sorry." Amanda gently rubbed the detective's thigh.

"No, come on. We're supposed to be having fun. Bartender, two more please. Here, take your shot and stop it," smiled Olivia.

"The night that I graduated from the academy, I went out with a few other graduates and my brother…" Amanda changed the subject so smoothly and for that, Olivia was grateful. "I was so happy to finally be a cop. Drinks were flowing and we were pretty rowdy. Then some drunk asshole kept making snide remarks about how the department just let anybody in and he know how I got in. The typical chauvinistic bullshit, you know the type."

"Yep, I do."

"Anyways, he wouldn't let up. He kept making comments and it started to piss me off, I'd finally had enough. I let him have it a little bit and he got so upset, for a woman s _assing_ him. I actually thought that he was going to hit me but he punched my brother instead. That's when I completely lost it. All I remember is throwing some punches, then getting carried out of the bar. I was drunk, mad as hell and in pain. Turns out that I had fractured my fourth and fifth metacarpal," said the blonde as she shook her head with a sly grin on her face.

"Ouch! That must've been extremely painful."

"I didn't feel the pain that night but yeah it hurt like a bitch," laughed Amanda. "And on top of that, I had to wear a cast for four weeks. So while my fellow rookies were out shadowing other cops, I was riding a desk with everyone teasing me. My brother thought it was hilarious. He told me if the cop thing didn't work out, I had a future in boxing. He'd make a joke out of anything…" a sad smile was on her face as she talked about her brother. The blonde didn't stay down though, she recovered quickly. "So that's one of my stories. A pretty mild one to be honest and I ended the night in a cast so just imagine the others."

"If that's mild then I don't think I want to," joked Olivia.

"Come on, you can't always have been so…" Amanda moved her arms as if revealing someone for the first time. "So you, all perfect and put together."

The detective chuckled, "Far, far from perfect. And yes I have some stories, a particularly embarrassing one is coming back to me now but I can't tell it."

"Oh come on. I'm pretty sure it's not that bad and I'm pretty sure that I've done worse."

Olivia was still unsure especially considering who the story involved. "If I tell you, promise never to mention this to anyone, ever. Promise me."

"Fine whatever, spill."

Liv sipped for some liquid courage as the blonde waited impatiently. "Remember when I told you that I like going to concerts and live shows?"

"Yeah."

"Well this particular night, Fin came along with me. He tries to act all tough and strictly hip-hop but he's a big _Earth, Wind and Fire_ fan." Amanda smiled brightly at the thought of her partner jamming to _Boogie Wonderland_. Liv noticed the smile and reciprocated, "I know right. Your face is how I felt the whole night. He knew all the songs, we sang and danced the entire concert. I also told you that I'm kind of a lightweight."

"Yeah, I know from personal experience," deadpanned the amused blonde as another pretzel flew her way. Olivia kept talking, ignoring the joke.

"They had this specialty drink called _Psychedelic_ and we were throwing them back all night. I lost count because we were so in the zone. After the concert ended we walked a few blocks, still riding the high. I think that's probably the best concert I've ever been to. While we walked, Fin played _Love's_ _Holiday_ on his phone. We didn't care about anybody around us as we danced on the sidewalk. People stared and egged us on; many of them were just leaving the concert as well. He spun me around, then our eyes locked and we uhm, we had a moment." Amanda's mouth fell open in surprise with a smile, as her eyes widened. Olivia smiled and shook her head as she took another sip. "I can't believe I'm telling you this…we kissed."

"Shut. Up. This is, oh my god! Was it like a peck or did you guys make out?" Amanda needed all of the juicy details.

A deep crimson invaded the detective's face as she flushed at Amanda's question. "We made out a little, alright—"

"Shut. Up. I can't even!" Rollins was beside herself with disbelief and amusement.

"Are you going to let me finish or not?" Amanda covered her mouth dramatically, in surrender so that Liv could finish. "You're enjoying this too much. Anyways, all of the _Psychedelics,_ dancing and spinning caught up with me at the worst time. I barely made it to the alley before I got sick. He had to hold my hair, it was so humiliating."

"Oh. My. God. Liv! That's probably the best story that I've ever heard. The fact that you have one of those stories is so satisfying in so many ways. And the fact that it's you and Fin makes it so much better." Amanda toasted the air in her partner's honor, "Fin, you son of a bitch."

"I'm glad that one of my most embarrassing moments has given you so much joy," sarcasm dripped from her pores as the blonde just erupted in laughter again. Olivia hadn't told anyone that story and she had threatened Fin to keep it between them. "He was such a good sport about it. I couldn't look at him for a few months after but I got over it eventually. We have a secret laugh about it every now and then."

Amanda's buzz took away her filter as curiosity got the best of her. "So if you wouldn't have blown your chunks all over the place, you would have gone home with Fin?"

"Amanda!" Liv was caught off guard by the bluntness but wasn't surprised. She'd become accustomed to the blonde's feistiness.

"What? That's a valid question. You were making out like horny teenagers on the busy New York sidewalks."

"Oh!" Liv threw her hand up to stop the detective, she was on a roll. "Can you not say that, please? And what about you, Barbra Walters? If there was no me, would you have gone home with Kevin tonight?"

"Yeah, probably so," Amanda didn't even hesitate. "Your turn."

"I don't know, maybe so. There, you happy?"

"Almost—"

"Amanda…"

"Last question, promise. Were there feelings involved or would it have been just a one night sort of thing?"

"I swear to god woman, you're relentless. Next subject, please!"

Amanda's head fell back as she roared with laughter. _Holy shit! Olivia Benson would've had a one-night stand…and with a co-worker!_ "I liked you before but now I'm in awe. You're so you, which is so yes and on it, then you have a whole other side. You're just, you're perfect."

"Ugh don't start with that again."

"I'm serious, you are. I'm kind of jealous."

"Please, don't waste your energy on being jealous of me."

"Not of you. Of Fin…"

Amanda didn't make eye contact after that statement. Her BAC was elevated but she was fully aware of what was coming out her mouth. That's why she couldn't look into those captivating eyes, certain that Olivia would see everything she was feeling. Their kiss was mind numbing but far away from a hot and heavy make out session that could've led to more. Amanda wasn't complaining because their kiss was amazing. But a part of her was jealous that her partner, of all people, had experienced something that she had to force herself to stop dreaming of.

Olivia threw another pretzel to get her attention and to keep the mood light. "There's no need to be jealous of him either," a warm, reassuring smile stretched across Liv's face.

Amanda studied the face that had been the main star of many daydreams. The more she looked, the more she realized that she was beginning to seriously like her. Not just because she had to and not because of work. There was no more doubt in Amanda's mind, she liked her and definitely not as just a friend. It was crazy how the attraction started to increase the more that she discovered about Olivia. Amanda needed a time out because she was a millisecond away from kissing her again, right there at the bar.

"That's good to know. I told you that I'm territorial." Rollins repeated the phrase she used the night at _Gianni's,_ playing the jealous girlfriend role. The only difference was, she meant it this time. The thought of someone else having Liv's attention bothered her. "I'll be back. I owe you like a hundred drinks for that story." She smiled and left the stool, headed for the ladies' room.

Rollins checked herself out in the mirror, and smiled before entering a stall, as she thought about the look on Olivia's face when she walked away. The night had soared since their earlier riff. It was their best night out hands down, since becoming a duo. The more time that they spent together, solidified Rollins' feelings even more. It was easy to be around Olivia and it didn't feel like work. Amanda exited the stall and gasped audibly when she saw someone watching her.

"Kevin? What the hell are you doing in here?!"

"I thought that maybe since you're finally away from your girlfriend you'd want to have some fun. I saw how you looked at me when I walked off."

"You're fucking delusional!"

"Cut the shit, Amanda! She's not here so you can drop the faithful girlfriend bullshit. I know you. The real you," sneered Kevin.

"You don't know me at all. So whatever you came in here looking for, it ain't happening. Now, get the hell out of here, last warning," said Rollins sternly.

Kevin slid a couch in front of the door. Nobody in, nobody out. "I normally like when you command me," his voice was sinister. "But I'm taking the lead this time…" In a split second he had her pinned against the sink at his mercy.

 _This is not good._

 **I hope you liked this chapter, a little different and a little twist. I originally thought it was going to be all light and fun but stuff happens, lol. R &R, thanks. **


	10. Chapter 10

Olivia sat at the bar as she awaited the return of Amanda. She noticed that some billiards tables had finally opened up so they could play a couple of games. Olivia smiled to herself, as she thought about the inevitable trash talk that would soon spew from Rollins' mouth. Their evening had certainly taken a turn since their earlier misunderstanding. Liv was pleased that they didn't let it ruin their night because she was thoroughly enjoying herself. Olivia couldn't deny that she liked being the reason why Amanda smiled, even if it was at her expense sometimes. After closing their tab at the bar, she made her way across the room to a newly opened table. Once settled, Olivia went to let Amanda know where they would be sitting because _Banx_ was in the midst of their busiest time and it was crowded.

When Olivia turned the corner headed towards the restrooms, she noticed an extremely long line. It wasn't strange that people were waiting but it was strange that they were all waiting for the men's room, women included. As she made her way to the front, she checked the lines making sure that Amanda wasn't waiting. The detective headed to the empty side of the hallway where the women's room was and pushed the door. It wasn't locked but there was something preventing the door from opening. _What the hell? Where's Amanda?_ The men's room door swung open across from the increasingly suspicious woman. Without thinking twice about it, Olivia took off into the men's room.

"Hey! There's a fucking line here, lady!" shouted a pissed off dude. The waiting people yelled and cursed but she ignored them as she continued to search.

"Amanda! Amanda!" hollered out Olivia to no response as she checked the stalls. People looked at the brunette strangely, as she frantically searched the room. With no signs of Rollins, suddenly the location of her partner had dawned on her. Olivia's heart dropped as she thought about her partner trapped in the ladies' restroom, with God knows who. Or what danger she was in. "Shit!"

Olivia rushed out of the men's room, forcefully moving any and every thing that got in her way. Her adrenaline pumped as panic filled her gut. The thought of Amanda being in danger was the sole force driving the detective's body. If anything happened to her, Liv would never forgive herself. She had finally clawed through the last person in her way. Thinking wasn't an option as her shoe made contact with the adjacent door. The kick didn't move the obstacle completely, but the distraction was just enough to give Rollins a small advantage while Kevin was sidetracked. Amanda's left fist connected hard against the right jaw of an unsuspecting Kevin, as she slid off the sink, free from his hold. He fell back against a stall, the punch completely disorienting him.

"You stupid bitch!" barked Kevin while reeling from the blow.

The punch enraged him as Rollins scrambled to move the couch from blocking the door. Just as she reached the couch, a forceful arm yanked her back. The strength of his grab, whipped the petite woman across the room into the wall, opposite the door. Another thunderous kick connected with door and Olivia was finally in. Her eyes immediately connected with Amanda on the floor across the room. The brunette's blood boiled as her eyes left Rollins and deadlocked onto Kevin, as if possessed. His head spun around in the direction, from where he'd heard the noise. Before he could react or defend himself, Liv's right fist had landed underneath his left eye, followed by a nut crushing knee to the groin. Amanda had regrouped just in time to deliver the KO, as she plunged her ankle hidden, hand-held taser into his back. He was out cold, stretched out on the ladies' restroom floor. After Kevin was subdued, Olivia rushed over to make sure that Amanda wasn't injured.

"Amanda, are you ok? Did he hurt you?" Olivia was worried that something may have happened before she made it there in time.

"I'm fine, fine." Amanda replied quickly, slightly embarrassed that she had gotten herself into such a susceptible situation.

"Here, let me help you up." After Liv helped Rollins to her feet she pulled out her cell, about to make a call.

"Who're you calling?"

"The precinct, I'm calling this in."

"No!" Amanda snatched Liv's phone away and ended the call.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

"You can't call this in."

"Amanda—"

"If you call this in, they'll shut us down! And we both know that this dumbass isn't the perp. He's just a dumb, drunk bastard. We're not calling this in."

"The hell we're not! Amanda, he might not be our target but this asshole belongs in a cell. Now, give me back my damn phone, I'm calling this is in," said Olivia. She was done with the conversation.

"No! Just hear me out for a second…" Amanda was trying to shake off the fogginess from her head colliding with the wall. "I know this looks bad, with Kevin trapping me in here and all but he's not a predator."

"What—"

"Listen! Yes he trapped me in here but with our history, he might have thought that this would be ok. He didn't get violent until after I slugged him. So, technically…"

"No, Amanda. No 'technically' ok. Regardless of your history, he had no right to trap you in a public restroom. Who knows what would've happened in five more minutes or—"

"But nothing happened! I know you're pissed and think that Kevin is scum but we have to treat this like any other case. UC's witness all sorts of crimes being committed but only intervene when it's life or death. I'm nowhere near death and he's subdued. After all of the alcohol, punches and electric shocks, he won't even remember tonight. We have a job to complete. If we call this in, our cover will be blown, leaving a serial rapist still out on the streets. I need this case to be a success, Olivia."

Olivia listened to Amanda plead her case. As much as she didn't like it, the other detective was right. While undercover, it was almost guaranteed that there would be crimes committed that would have to be ignored. The difference was that, the crime was committed against Amanda. Olivia didn't want Kevin to get away with what he'd done. Anger and rage still coursed through Liv's body as she thought about what could have happened. The senior detective understood Rollins' point of view but still had reservations.

"I hear you, I do. But what if he attacks someone else after we let him go?"

Amanda had to think about that very real possibility. Kevin didn't seem like the type but after years on the job, she knew that there wasn't a typical 'type'. If he attacked someone else, she and Olivia's badge would be on the line. Not to mention an innocent woman could become a victim. Rollins tried to think of a way to keep their cover while making sure that Kevin got what he deserved.

"Ok…I got it. We get security and tell them that a drunk guy is passed out in the ladies' room. They'll throw him out on his ass and call the cops for public intoxication. The unies will pick him up, then we'll give Nick a heads up on the situation and he'll take care of the rest."

Olivia still wasn't convinced, "I-I don't know about this. I don't like it."

"Well, I'm sorry but you don't have to. We're doing this. I'm not blowing my cover for this idiot. I'm not hurt and my plan will work. So I need you to get on board and just have my damn back!" Amanda was done explaining herself. This case could make or break her career and she wasn't going to jeopardize it.

"Fine! I've got your back but I hope you know what you're doing. I'll go and find a security guard."

Amanda nodded as Olivia exited the restroom. Her hands were a little shaky from all of the adrenaline. The twists and turns that the night had taken, had the young detective rattled. Her guard was only down for a second when Kevin took her by surprise. Amanda doubted herself and was beginning to rethink not letting Olivia call it in. If some drunken hot mess of a man could trap her, the thought of the real mastermind perp getting the best of her was all she could think about. Now was not the time to start doubting her abilities when she had just convinced Olivia to get on board. A silent pep talk got her straight. Amanda adjusted her clothes as she looked down at Kevin, still completely out of it. _Idiot._ Olivia came back with the security guard as he took care of the mess.

"Damn ladies, you seem to have this under control. Couldn't have done it any better myself. I'll take it from here, thanks. The cops should be here soon to pick him up," said the bulky security guard.

"Thank you," replied Olivia as the guard carried Kevin out of the ladies' room. She then returned her attention to Amanda who was looking at herself in the mirror. "Hey, you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, I am. Just a little pissed at how this night has gone. Good to bad, to awesome to the absolute worst."

Liv heard the disappointment in Amanda's voice. "It wasn't the absolute worst; we did get to kick some ass." That put a small smile on Rollins' face and that was what Olivia hoped it would do.

"Yeah…"

"Come on, let's go home." Amanda simply nodded as she followed Olivia out of the restroom and bar.

Olivia didn't know what else to do. She felt the energy drastically change between them. It was light and breezy earlier and now Amanda barely looked her way. Olivia wanted to talk more about what happened but she knew that would just make the other woman shut down even more. Their time together had taught Liv a thing or two, about when to back off and let Amanda come to her whenever she was ready. It was hard for the brunette to just suppress her questions and concerns but she didn't want to pry. After the uncomfortably silent cab ride, they were back at their condo.

Amanda finally broke the silence as Olivia locked the doors. "I need to say something."

"Ok…" Olivia didn't know what to expect.

"And I need for you to not say anything, react or do that thing that you do. That Olivia Benson thing, don't do it. I just need to get this off my chest." Now Olivia was seriously worried. Amanda paced back and forth their spacious living room. "I also need you to sit down."

"Amanda—"

"Please. Just sit and don't speak, I need to say this. Ok…alright, ok so tonight was crazy," began the pacing and seemingly anxious woman. "First thing first, I feel like I need to say that Kevin had a reason to try what he did. Our relationship or…whatever you want to call it, was always just one thing. We had an understanding and I think that he may have thought, although I told him that I was involved, that it would be ok if we still hooked up. Kevin following me into the restroom was our _thing_ sometimes _._ "

Olivia sighed heavily and audibly but she didn't say anything. Internally she was screaming at Amanda, at how that doesn't give him the right to assume anything. How it doesn't give him the right to lock her in a restroom against her will. Olivia couldn't figure out how Rollins cared so deeply for the victims but didn't give herself the same level of care. It saddened Liv; to think about the inner turmoil and pain that Amanda must be suffering. Despite how badly the detective wanted to interject, she respected the other woman's wishes and just listened.

"Enough about Kevin, he's an idiot. What I really wanted to say is…" Rollins paused trying to gather the strength to say the next thing. Although Olivia was her current object of affection, the legendary detective was someone that she had respected long before their assignment began. Olivia Benson's respect meant everything to Amanda. "I don't want you to think that I'm incapable of protecting myself…or more importantly you."

Amanda dared to make eye contact for the first time. A knowing look was on Olivia's face and she could see where this conversation was going. Rollins continued before she lost her nerve. "I know you busted in to 'save the day' but—"

"Amanda—"

"No. Talking."

Olivia rolled her eyes as she massaged her temple. _This woman is going to be the death of me._

"I'm aware that the situation I ended up in, looked bad but I had a plan. If talking him down wouldn't work, I had my taser. I don't want you to feel that you have to save me or rescue me like I'm some fragile animal. I'm small, maybe even damaged but I'm a fighter. I need for you to know that I can hold my own. You're smarter, more experienced, qualified, and a lot of other things. I may be completely fucked up, but this job is probably the only thing that I can do well. I need you to believe that I can take care of myself and I'm not just waiting on you to save me. I can take care of myself and have your back at the same time." Her last statement was followed by a long silence. Olivia wanted to say something but she didn't want to until Rollins was finished. "I thought that I'd known what true humiliation was but I didn't until tonight. Not only did you see one of my embarrassing vices, if you will, but you saw me as incompetent. And I can't deal with you viewing me in that light." Amanda had finally stopped pacing and sat down on one of the bar stools across from where Olivia was sitting.

"Ok! I've sat. I've listened. And I've waited patiently but now it's my turn." Liv was ready for her turn to talk. "You have to stop being so hard on yourself. And please stop assuming that I'm some monster that thinks the worst of you. Anyone can get caught up in a bad situation, including me."

"Yeah right, like—"

"No. Talking. It's my turn now." Olivia got up from her seat and took a page from Amanda's book and began to pace. "Years ago, I was undercover at a prison, Sealview. A young girl alleged that a corrections officer had raped her, along with countless other complaints. The case was a mess, every time that we thought there was a break; another obstacle came in our way. The only option was for me to go undercover, to catch the perp first hand. So I went in deep as a prisoner, no rights, no dignity, and no privacy, nothing. Fin was moonlighting as a prison guard but even he couldn't be with me 24/7. Long story short, Captain Lowell Harris turned out to be the one responsible for the rapes. After a TB outbreak leading to a riot, Harris cuffed me and led me down to the place where the guards would rape the inmates."

Amanda's breath caught in her throat as she feared the next part of the story. Olivia was still pacing, determined to finish her story that only Fin knew. "I was trapped, handcuffed and locked in the dungeon. I fought, I hid and after all of that I was still at his mercy. Just when the unthinkable was about to happen, Fin saved me in the nick of time." Amanda exhaled, relieved that her partner had gotten there in time. "So, I know what you're feeling. I went through all of the embarrassment and doubting my abilities, also."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And I'm going to give you some advice, ok?"

"Ok."

"Needing help is not a sign of weakness. I know as women we feel the need to prove ourselves, but you don't have to do that with me. We're partners, equals…I don't see you as anything less."

Amanda was relieved to hear that. Even though Olivia knew about some of her tumultuous past, being incompetent was way worse than any of that. Now that the air was clear, Rollins felt a weight lift off of her shoulders. "Thanks, for sharing that with me. I know it can't be easy."

"It's easier because it was a long time ago. It's also easier because it's you," Olivia tried to express with words the comfort that she felt with Amanda. The other detective absorbed every word.

That story definitely gave Rollins a different outlook on the situation, completely. Because of it, Amanda felt lighter. She was ready to be rid of the seriousness. Not only for her sake but Olivia's as well. So she did the only thing that she knew would make it fun again. "Now I see why you made out with Fin, he deserved it, well…minus the puke."

Olivia laughed so hard, she wasn't expecting that rebuttal at all. "Shut up!" After a laughing attack, the brunette got serious. "I hope you know that, you deserve my trust and respect too, Amanda. And so, so much more…"

 **I hope you enjoyed that. Kevin was too dumb to be the perp, come on lol. Reviews are appreciated. Thanks for reading.**


	11. Chapter 11

"You can do this. But you need to relax. Just take a deep breath and relax."

"I'm trying, I'm really trying."

Olivia felt as if, her heart was about to implode. Nervous was an understatement, to describe the way that she was feeling. The detective had spent the past week practicing and rehearsing, with Rollins' help, for this very moment. And now that the moment was upon her, all she felt was sick to her stomach. However, the week of preparing drew the women even closer together. It was good that they had a distraction following everything that had gone down at _Banx_ with Kevin _._ The ladies' bond was steadily growing, even after that entire ordeal. When Olivia initially received the message about their next op, she didn't have a clue that it would be such a big deal. While standing there backstage, with Amanda, the magnitude of how important the event was hit her, hard.

"I wasn't expecting all of this, Amanda. How many people are out there?"

"Don't worry about that. Just focus on your speech."

Olivia was fidgeting with her index cards, anxiously. "What if I get up there and freeze? Or I'm boring? Or—"

Amanda reached for Olivia's hands, gently squeezing them. "You will not freeze and there's no way that you could ever be boring. Everything about you is captivating. We've practiced and you're ready. You know this speech inside and out. Hell, even _I_ know this speech inside out." That last statement with that distinct drawl put a smile on the worried woman's face. "There we go, that smile alone will win over the audience."

Olivia quietly scoffed as she averted her gaze, "Amanda…"

The blonde softly grasped their adjoining hands to regain the brunette's attention. "You look amazing. You've got charisma. And your speech is gold. You've got this, Liv." Their eyes deadlocked, and Amanda watched as the usual confident look in Olivia's eyes came back. "I'm going to be front and center watching, as you kill it." Amanda released her hands, as she pulled the taller woman in for a warm embrace. Olivia exhaled deeply, welcoming the comfort, as she reciprocated the hug. "You're going to be great," whispered Amanda, before pulling away. "See you out there."

Olivia watched as the blonde walked away. A new and different energy was just exchanged between the two but she couldn't put it into words. Rollins' undoubting faith boosted her confidence even more. She wanted to be worthy of the admiration and reassurance that the other woman offered. Confidence wasn't an issue for the detective but this particular situation, was out of her comfort zone. Her passion about the topic that she was speaking on killed the remaining nerves, lingering around as she got in the zone. Just before the blonde turned the corner, Liv got her attention.

"Wait a minute."

Amanda spun around, as her hand held on to the door handle. "Yeah?"

"I've got this."

"Yes, you do. You've got this."

"See you out there."

"Front and center," smiled Rollins with a twinkle in her eyes, as she turned to leave.

"Couldn't have done it without you," said Liv as Amanda stopped dead in her tracks. Her back was to the brunette, "Any of it, thank you, Amy…"

Amanda's head whipped around at the first time usage of that nickname. Their eyes connected, chocolate mocha met cerulean waterfalls, as the backstage organizers swarmed the brunette. Liv flashed her signature smirk that melted the blonde, every single time, before she was led away. Amanda's face flushed into a dangerous, dark scarlet. Some things you could fake, but that moment wasn't one of them. The more time that she spent with Olivia, the more enamored she became of the brilliant detective. Snapping out of her smitten trance, Amanda went out to find her designated spot.

When Rollins stepped into the auditorium, she gasped. _Holy shit._ The room was packed. She had been backstage the entire time, so she wasn't aware of the crowd's large size. _Better her than me, good lord._ Amanda took a program and skimmed it. She was relieved to see that Olivia wasn't the only speaker, but one of three; the pressure of delivering the only speech would be too overwhelming. Amanda spotted Nick, Fin and Munch spread throughout the auditorium. Given the size of the crowd, she wasn't surprised that they were all in attendance plus random decoys. The detective found her seat as the program began.

The moderator of the event was up, thanking any and every one that she could think of. Also known as, utterly boring the hell out of Rollins. The first speaker was short and sweet, which was greatly appreciated. While the moderator went on and on, the detective scanned the room. She was trying to see if any faces jumped out or looked familiar from the other outings. The fact that she was sitting in the front, was making it difficult to see everyone. Fin was sitting a few seats down from her; they made brief eye contact while they were both subtly scanning. It was the first time that she'd seen him since going under and all that she could think about was Olivia's story. Amanda laughed silently to herself, shaking her head. _Lucky bastard._ She was still softly chuckling, when the moderator introduced Olivia.

Olivia walked out from behind the side curtain to a round of applause. And it seemed as if time had slowed down, all the way down. Amanda was viewing the walk out, in slow motion. Everything was perfect. From her form fitting, knee length, royal blue sleeveless dress. To that signature strut, each step more powerful than the last. Or the confident swagger that was just so natural, it demanded attention. No one sitting in the room would believe that the woman on stage was a nervous wreck, just ten minutes ago. Olivia looked like a natural, like she belonged there. Amanda had spent so much time in awe, that she had missed some of the speech. Luckily, she'd heard it several times, knowing it practically verbatim. Knowing that Liv was in the home stretch, Amanda concentrated so that she could hear the end.

"Audre Lorde said, 'Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.' So this is not just a silly movement or trend. And this isn't a man hating or bashing speech. I'm not even saying that women are better than men, well…some of us are." Laughter filled the air and Amanda joined the chorus, that last part was an impromptu addition. Olivia flashed her own mega-watt smile before continuing. "But I do feel that our voices are just as powerful and deserve to be heard. Equality is all that we want. No, it's what we deserve, simple as that. If I work the same job, just as hard as my male counterpart, _I_ should be compensated the same as my male counterpart," cheers and claps filled the auditorium. "If my male counterpart is viewed as a badass for his no-nonsense attitude in the workplace, _I_ should be viewed as a badass also! And not as a hormonal bitch!" more thunderous applause filled the room, Olivia was on fire. "G.D Anderson said, 'Feminism isn't about making women stronger. Women are already strong. It's about changing the way the world perceives that strength' and I couldn't agree more. So let us remember that we're not less than. We're equal. So the next time that someone refers to you as a bitch…own it. Because as Tina Fey so eloquently states it, 'bitches get stuff done'! Indeed we do! Thank you."

The crowd erupted. Olivia was given a standing ovation. People were whistling, cheering and chanting excitedly. Liv stepped beside the podium as she waved to the audience. The kinetic energy coursed throughout the building. The brunette was just about to walk off stage, when she spotted Amanda on her feet with the rest of the crowd. Olivia smiled and blew a kiss her way, sending the crowd into frenzy yet again. Amanda blushed feverishly, knowing that gesture was specifically for her. It was like watching a rock god, ending their concert with their best hit. Olivia had just delivered one hell of a speech and deserved all of the praise and accolades that she was receiving. Amanda left her seat so that she could meet Liv backstage before the last speaker began.

Olivia was talking to one of the backstage directors when Rollins got backstage. She took a minute to just watch her partner interact with the surrounding people. Olivia had this ability to make everyone feel important. Amanda stared at the way that she thanked the staff for all of their hard work. The manner in which, she somehow found a way to compliment the boring speaker before her. Or the way that she handled an over-zealous admirer without being rude. After thanking, smiling and posing for pictures with the people, Olivia went in search of her partner. When she turned around, Amanda was standing there near the exit stairwell. The blonde was leaning against the wall smiling, arms folded, watching the other woman.

"Hey, I was just on my way to find you," smiled Olivia.

Amanda playfully shrugged nonchalantly, "Looks like I found you first…well actually your fans did, Superstar."

"Awww come on, I'm no superstar. They were just being nice."

"I'm going to need for you to learn how to take a compliment, ok? Because you were a freaking rock goddess up there! So charismatic, entertaining and funny…the crowd loved you. From the moment you walked out, you owned that stage. A complete natural, you were excellent."

As difficult as it was, Olivia fought the urge to refute and simply said, "Thank you."

"See that wasn't too bad, was it?"

"You really don't want to know the answer to that," smiled the brunette before saying. "But I really couldn't have done it without you. You helped me prepare, listened to my self-deprecation and you talked me off the ledge earlier. I really appreciate it…you. I appreciate you. So if I was amazing, it was all because of you, thanks." Liv moved closer to Amanda, and wrapped her arms around her. "Thank you," repeated the detective into her partner's ear.

The sudden affection surprised Rollins but she was enjoying the closeness. "Why do you always know exactly what to say and do?"

Olivia scoffed before ending the embrace, "Here we go…"

"No, I'm serious. You really do."

"Well, I guess it's easy when it's the truth." Rollins rolled her eyes and she shook her head, while Liv continued. "I hate that you can't see how great you are, Amanda." The two stared at each other for a minute after that statement, letting the words resonate. The crowd applauded and that snapped them out of their silent moment.

"It sounds like they're done."

"Yeah they are which means, we need to get back out there. It's time for the mixer. You ready for this?"

"Yep, lead the way _Superstar_."

"Cut it out with that," said Olivia as she took Amanda's hand, before leading them back out into the auditorium.

The two detectives re-entered the room as people mingled. Champagne was flowing and people were surrounding the speakers of the evening. As Rollins had expected, Olivia was the big hit of the night. All sorts of people came forward, congratulating the brunette on her dynamic speech. Amanda watched as the people treated her partner like the star that she was. Normally they would separate to work the room but due to the large capacity of the crowd, they decided that it would be best if they stayed together. The two detectives worked the room effortlessly. Fin approached the women, as an admiring fan.

"Your speech was all that, real talk. It made me rethink some things," said Fin, in an uncharacteristic manner as he extended his hand out to Olivia. Fin's undercover personality was in polar opposite of his. Kissing ass and donning out compliments were foreign actions, to the hardened detective.

Amanda was smiling on the outside but internally she was hysterically laughing. This 'undercover Fin' was hilarious and so not him. The fair-haired woman couldn't help but to tease him, "Yeah she has a way of doing that. Anything in particular stand out to you?"

He shot Rollins his 'for real?' stare before he answered, "Yeah…uh, I uh, I liked the part when you talked about bitches getting shit done."

Amanda couldn't help it as she laughed. Olivia rolled her eyes at them both before sarcastically saying, "I'm glad that specific part stuck with you."

A waiter came around with cocktails. Everyone took a fluke, Amanda darted her eyes between Fin and her current partner. The detective wondered if anything still lingered between the two. She couldn't pass up the opportunity to tease them just once. She addressed Liv, "Babe, make sure you take it easy. You know you're a lightweight," she then turned to Fin as she leaned in. "She was just telling me about an unfortunate incident that occurred after an EWF concert." A sly, knowing smirk danced on Rollins' lips. She heard Liv gasp audibly as Fin nearly choked on his beverage.

"Nice chatting with you. Please excuse us," hurriedly said Olivia to Fin. Before grabbing Amanda's hand, leading them far, far away from their still stunned co-worker. The young detective was quite pleased with herself as they moved quickly through the crowd. When they were out of Fin's radius, Liv spoke, "I'm glad you're having fun now because you're so going to pay for that later." She spoke lowly, through gritted teeth and a forced smile, as she waved and nodded to passing people.

"What'd I do?" Amanda's faux naivety, failed miserably.

"Don't even try it."

The blonde couldn't control her laughter any longer, "I couldn't help it. I'm sorry but that was so worth it. The look on his face, priceless."

Olivia smiled at the amused woman, "Go ahead, laugh it up." She leaned down to whisper in her partner's ear, "Remember payback is a bitch."

Amanda flushed at the close proximity and the tone that Olivia used. She hadn't heard it before and the certainness behind it stirred something inside of the detective. When she looked over at Liv, she sported a sinful smirk of her own. That look was intoxicating and Rollins was getting drunker by the second. She was still reeling when Munch approached them.

"John Doe," said Munch as he stretched his hand out to the women.

Liv internally rolled her eyes at the loveable silliness that her colleague possessed, "Olivia."

"Amanda."

"Nice to meet you both," he then directed his attention just to the brunette. "Interesting spiel, Olivia."

"Uh, thank you?" with Munch; she didn't know if it was a complement or criticism.

"The first waves of feminism began in the 19th century, enraging men everywhere. Nice to see that some things never change," deadpanned Munch.

"Ok…"

"Not speaking for myself of course. I've always been a feminist. Sliding my way through the birth canal, I knew to appreciate the wonders of the womb." The ladies didn't know which they'd rather do more, puke or laugh. Munch then did his signature; look over the glasses thing, before delivering his next zinger. "I see that I'm not the only one who appreciates the female anatomy, huh Amanda? I can see it in your eyes, the way that you look at Olivia…" Rollins blanched. He continued, "I can't really blame you. She is exquisite. Pleasing a woman is—"

"And it was nice meeting you, John Doe," interrupted Amanda in a long drawl. She was scared to death of what might've come out of his mouth next.

When they arrived at their new location Olivia was laughing heartily. While poor Amanda was mortified. "He is such a dirty, old little bastard," said the brunette through fits of laughter.

"Why would he say that?"

"Shock and awe plus he wanted to mess with us. Relax, he was just joking and it was really funny."

"Yeah, I can see that…"

Olivia looked at her partner. She saw the inflammation in her cheeks and the weird expression on her face. Then a light went off, "You were embarrassed," a statement not a question.

"No, I wasn't," Rollins responded too quickly, giving herself away.

"Oh my goodness, you were! Look at your body language," Liv nodded towards her body with an amused smile on her face. "You're blushing, you're fidgeting, and…" she tipped Amanda's chin upward, "You're avoiding eye contact."

 _Damn, she's good._

"But the real question is, why? Hmmm…let me think," Liv swarmed the other woman like a shark does its prey. "You're not usually a prude, hmmm."

 _No._

The brunette continued to circle her before stopping. She had figured it out, "Awww, I get it."

 _Uh, oh._ "Get what?"

Before Olivia could answer, Nick approached them. A young woman accompanied him, possible decoy. "Amanda, Olivia…nice to see you again."

"Yes it is," said the brunette as they kissed on the cheek, followed by her partner.

"And this is Kelsey."

"Hi, big fan of you two. And I really enjoyed your speech, Olivia. So timely and spot on."

"Thank you, a lot of the credit goes to Amy though. She was my fellow researcher, audience, beta and critic."

Nick made a subtle face at the use of that nickname. He'd witness firsthand the transformation of his co-workers since this assignment. But it was still weird but intriguing seeing them like this. "A relationship like yours is enviable," charmed Amaro.

Everything was beginning to make Amanda uncomfortable. She felt like all of her co-workers were seeing her obvious, not-so-secret crush on Olivia. And if they were seeing it, then she was certain that so was Liv. That unnerved her, rejection was tough on anyone but the thought of getting rejected by someone you respected was unimaginable. In actuality, the other detectives were just genuinely impressed with the great job that the ladies were doing. They actually seemed like a legit couple, they weren't reading more into anything; it was just Amanda's psyche.

"We think so," said Olivia as she wrapped her arm around Rollins' waist. She knew that her partner was uncomfortable. And over thinking everything, but Liv owed her payback for earlier. So she was going to amplify everything for Nick and his friend's sake. Amanda squirmed in her arms but Olivia just tightened her grip, followed by a kiss on the left side of her forehead.

"Y-yeah, thank you for saying that," stuttered the blonde, while being distracted in the best way. Amanda wasn't aware of Olivia's secret motive; she was just enjoying the feeling.

"So where do you two know each other from?" inquired Liv, while eyeing Nick suspiciously.

Both Nick and Kelsey began to speak at the same time. When the raven haired woman went to make a hand gesture, she dropped her phone. Olivia's quick left hand caught it before the phone hit the floor.

"That was close, thanks."

"Nice catch," said Nick. "And with the left, double nice."

"Thanks, I'm ambidextrous, so my left is just as strong as my right."

"Wow," said Kelsey as she eyed Olivia in appreciation. She then turned her head towards Amanda. Lowering her voice in a suggestive tone, "Lucky you…"

Amanda froze, all of the blood seemingly drained from her body. Laughter and muffled voices were in the background. Nothing registered until she heard _that_ voice using _that_ tone…

"Oh you have no idea. This one…" said Olivia while tilting her head towards Amanda. " _Soooo_ appreciates my ambidextrousness…"

 _She. Did. Not. Just. Say. That._

Amanda heated up from the inside out. Nick's eyes went wide; just the thought of that image had him in a daze. While his friend, Kelsey, blushed and nodded in approval. Liv led them away, while she took delight in Amanda's inability to even speak, "I warned you that I would make you pay, for your little stunt earlier. And that I was going to have the last laugh." Liv's lips got dangerously close to Amanda's mouth before whispering, "And I _always_ keep my word, sweetheart." Olivia closed the remaining distance as her lips lightly grazed the entranced woman's, "always."

A creeping figure mixed in with the crowd, watched every single move the women made. Waiting, lurking, ready for the perfect opportunity…

 **Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Thanks to all of the reviewers, new followers and favorites. Special shout out to BJ, JaggedHands and MH Lovah. You've been very consistent from the beginning with your support, encouraging words and I really appreciate it. Even when I'm uncertain about my story, you guys have my back, thanks.**


	12. Chapter 12

"I swear to God, if you touch her I will—"

"What? You'll what?"

 **8 hours earlier…**

Olivia was finishing up her laundry while Amanda was still sleeping. The women had been undercover close to three months now and had settled into the domestication that came with living with someone else. The single, solitude, lifestyle that they each had been living before was long gone. At first, it was a huge adjustment but now the thought of something as simple as, dining alone seemed weird. Having someone to buy your favorite coffee or cereal, when they went to the grocery store was an unexpected pleasantry. More importantly, companionship was the biggest plus side of living with someone else. Not just any companionship but the kind that you enjoy and after a while look forward to and depend on. They were in a nice groove but the sinking feeling of someone lurking and watching them, troubled Olivia greatly.

The senior detective had expressed her concerns to Amanda but all they could do was try to be vigilant and wait. Before the troubling feeling, the two had already made a plan to stay together at all times. After the Kevin incident, they weren't going to be taking any more chances. So they had been joint at the hip, basically ever since. The days that there were no ops, they worked together on the case. They grilled each other on possible suspects, gut feelings or anything that could break the case. The perp hadn't attacked since about a month and half after they went under, so they knew that they could possibly be on his radar. It frustrated them both to no ends, at how little leeway they were making but Olivia took it personally. She kept trying to blame herself for not doing enough to stop whoever it was terrorizing innocent women.

When Olivia finished with the laundry she went to their 'office', that was really just the dining room area with files scattered everywhere. Pictures of the victims before and after the attacks were among the pile. Olivia looked at them with disgust and frustration. She grabbed Amanda's notepad and looked through all of the people who seemed suspicious. They had given the names to Nick to run, not a thing popping on anyone. It had to be something that they were missing. No one was that perfect, there had to be a mistake made by the perpetrator. She studied Huang's analysis of the suspect several times. The more that she read, the more worked up she became. The detective knew the type, threatened by women. Mommy issues or erectile dysfunctions probably were the reasons for his rage that he displayed during the attacks. After reading and rereading the files, nothing was jumping out at her. Pissed, puzzled and discouraged; Olivia violently threw the files and swept the others off the table enraged.

"Hey, hey what's going on?" asked Amanda as she entered the room from the hallway.

Olivia spun around, startled by her partner's sudden presence. "I'm sorry. Di-did I wake you?" she was on her knees gathering the files that she had just taken her anger out on seconds ago.

"No, I've been up for a while but that's beside the point. What's going on, Liv?"

"Nothing, it's nothing. Sorry for disturbing you."

"Seriously? That's all I get after all of this time, nothing?"

Olivia stopped messing with the scattered files. She sat back against the wall as she raked her fingers through her growing hair. "This case…this case, it's uhm. It's getting to me."

Amanda nodded, knowing exactly how the other woman felt, "Yeah, me too."

"And the fact that this animal is attacking women because of who they love or who they choose to be with is just…" the brunette shook her head, words were of no use.

"Yeah, I know."

"I've been going through our notes. Replaying our outings, anything that I can think of to help but I keep coming up empty. Nothing is standing out to me, nothing. I mean, I just can't catch a goddamn break!" Olivia kicked the stool in front of her, sending it tumbling over with force. After the crash, she realized that she's snapped again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Its fine, you don't have to apologize for being pissed off and stressed," said Amanda as she picked up the recently kicked stool.

"I'm not normally so…I don't know, hostile. And on top of everything else, this eerie feeling that I have won't go away, it just won't."

Rollins saw the worry on her partner's face. It worried her as well. It's hard to describe the feeling when you know a storm is brewing but the time when it's actually coming to wreak havoc, is unknown. It's a nagging feeling that won't leave until there is a resolution. The more time that passed, the more anxious the ladies became. The thought of being in danger was the least of their concern. Even though they were practically live bait, neither would have it any other way. Feeling helpless was the worst but obsessing wouldn't help the situation. A change of pace was desperately needed for the stressing detectives.

"I hate that feeling. Like you know it's coming but waiting is all that you can do…" Amanda stared into space while stating the last part. She then snapped out of her racing thoughts, "Look, you need to put all of this away for a while. You need to relieve some stress. Come on, I'll go to the gym with you."

Olivia looked up for the first time since they'd been talking. "You hate the gym. You said it's full of too many superficial people. Some are alright but most just want to be the center of attention, while the rest are just cruising, trying to bang each other."

Amanda laughed at hearing her words recited back at her, "Yeah, yeah I said that. And I still mean it but you love it and I think that you could use some company."

"That's very sweet of you but you really don't have to."

"I know, I don't but I want to. Plus I need to see which one of my categories you fall into…"

That caused the other woman to laugh, "I guess you'll have to wait and see."

"Looking forward to it. Give me about thirty and we can go?"

"Sure. That works for me. I'll make us some smoothies while you get ready."

"If it's green…please don't."

"I'll be sure to make yours extra thick."

"Thanks dear," said Rollins in a sarcastic tone, as she made a gagging antic before going to get ready for the gym.

Olivia couldn't help but to chuckle as Amanda exited the dining room. The gym was a great idea and just what the stressed out detective needed. It was crazy how Rollins knew exactly how to handle that situation. She didn't try to shrink her or pry. She simply allowed Olivia to vent and offered a suggestion, without being condescending or pushy. It was nice to have someone know what to do, without having to tell them. It had been a while since Liv had experienced that, a long while. Before she went down that long road, of who she'd felt that connection with, she went to make their drinks.

They made their arrival at Olivia's gym an hour after their talk. Amanda watched her partner get in the zone. The intensity that the brunette displayed was captivating. They were going to a kickboxing class but Liv thought it would be better if they just free-styled. And so they did, Rollins held the body bag as Liv unleashed all of her rage on it. Each strike connecting with force, as the bag was simulating for everything that was bothering the detective. Combo after combo, blow after blow, and some of the tension was finally leaving her body. Amanda was happy that the other woman seemed to tire, because she wasn't sure of how much longer she could take the beating. Olivia draped her arms around the top of the bag, as she breathed heavily, utterly exhausted.

"My turn yet?"

"Yeah, let me grab some water then we'll switch," replied Olivia while rotating her shoulder and removing her gloves.

"You alright?" Rollins saw the way that she was rolling her shoulders. "You were really giving it to that bag."

"I'm fine. You ready?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Let's see what you got, Featherweight."

"Featherweight?"

"Yeah…Featherweight," smirked the glistening brunette.

"Ok…"

Amanda put on her gloves as Olivia helped tighten them. The senior detective could see that she had fired up the other woman, her intent all along. They eyed each other. A teasing charm present in Liv's eyes, while Amanda tried not to break her steely gaze but it was difficult when her partner looked at her in that way. Olivia made sure Rollins' gloves were nice and tight, and then took her stance behind the bag. She planted her feet then nodded her head so that Amanda knew she was ready. Rollins clapped her gloves together and then got to it. She began with a few jabs to test the resistance, which was sturdy. No surprise there, then she incorporated uppercuts and hooks to the array of punches. Olivia couldn't help but to smile behind the bag as she felt the ferocity behind the punches. Amanda felt the resistance waiver and decided to end with a bang. The fair-haired woman switched southpaw. She took a step back planting her right foot, as her left one connected with a high side kick, causing the holder to stumble.

"Whoa," said Olivia as she caught herself before falling.

"You ok?" asked a sarcastic Amanda as she held the picture perfect pose.

Liv laughed, "Well played and great form, wow. Karate?"

"Taekwondo, fifteen years," the southerner then reverse round-housed the bag just for emphasis.

"Ok, ok you made your point. Calm down, Next Karate Kid."

"Oh sorry, must be a Featherweight thing. Proving ourselves to the Heavyweights and all," teased Amanda.

"I just wanted to rile you up. I love your intensity, so I may have intentionally amped you up a little with the Featherweight joke. You may have the build of a Featherweight but you're a Heavyweight in every other sense of the word."

Rollins couldn't help but to blush at the compliment, "Thanks that means a lot coming from you."

"Ok, let's not get all sappy. It's time for the real reason why I come to the gym. Come on."

Olivia grabbed her towel and water bottle as she headed to the women's locker room. Amanda followed as she wondered where they were headed next. She watched as Liv rummaged through her locker in search of something. When she seemingly found what she was looking for, she left Amanda waiting. Olivia went to the front desk to get the items she needed from one of the employees. She returned to the locker room to see Amanda lying on the bench staring into space. Liv knew that things were weighing on her partner's mind as well, some not related to the case. The sooner they closed the case, the better it would be to get into the other stuff, perhaps.

"Here," said Olivia as she playfully tossed a bag at the unsuspecting blonde.

"Hey!"

"Get dressed," The detective removed her damp tank top and threw it as well, connecting with her partner's face.

"Liv! I swear to—" Amanda couldn't even finish the sentence as a headband flew across her face. "That's it," She said with faux anger in her voice. When she finally got off the bench and turned around, she saw Liv standing there in her swimming suit. _Wow…_

"Get dressed, rinse off in the shower and meet me at the pool," said Liv as she left to go and rinse.

Olivia walked away with a small smile on her face. She saw the way that Amanda initially reacted to seeing her. It would be a lie to say that, Liv didn't like the affect she had on her partner. Unsure of why but she did. That spontaneous kiss Amanda planted on her, after a stressful outing, things were different. Liv said it would be best to bottle the 'what does it mean' until after they closed the case. However, they were both human and curiosity took over sometimes. It was something about Amanda that Olivia was drawn to. They'd seriously bonded over the last weeks and it had Olivia seriously questioning some things internally. Trying to silence her racing mind, the detective dove into the pool. She loved to swim; it was like a sanctuary to her. She cascaded through the water effortlessly as the water cooled her previously tepid skin. When she swam back to her starting point, she saw that Amanda had finally made it.

"Took you long enough," said the submerged woman.

"I didn't know that I was being timed," said Amanda in a snarky tone as she jumped in, purposely splashing Olivia.

"Hey!"

"That's payback for throwing your sweaty clothes on me," said the detective while steadily splashing.

"Ok, ok! Truce! Truce!" Liv extended her hand while covering her face with the other one.

"Truce…" they shook hands as Amanda felt herself being pulled into an embrace. Before she could react, Liv had dunked her into the water. "You snake," said the woman after she resurfaced.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't resist," said Olivia as she laughed heartily. "You were just wide open for that one. I'm done though, truce."

"Oh no, don't even try it."

"I'm serious no tricks, truce it…"

Liv reached out her hand. Rollins eyed it skeptically, finally deciding to reach out. They made eye contact when their hands connected. Energy was being transferred and neither backed away from the moment. They just stared at each other while treading water. Amanda noticed the way that Olivia was massaging her hand, while maintaining that powerful eye contact.

"Stop looking at me like that," softly said Amanda, while thoroughly enjoying whatever it was taking place between them.

"Like what?"

"Like _that…that_ look, your look."

"Well it's hard not to when you're looking at me like _that, your_ look."

 **Present time…**

"I'm touching her…What are you gonna do? Huh? What are you going to do?!"

"Don't!" exclaimed Olivia as a thunderous slap struck Amanda's face. The blonde detective released a tortured, muffled scream that shattered Olivia's soul. Their eyes connected, like they had many times before. This time, Amanda had a pleading look, begging for Olivia to do something, anything. "Please don't," begged the brunette. "Please, take me instead…"

 **I had writer's block like a mofo, hopefully this is decent. Enjoy and thanks for reading.**


	13. Chapter 13

**M for mature alert. This chapter has dark subject matters, language and situations. Hopefully it's not too bad.**

" _Please, take me instead…"_

After hearing Olivia's desperate pleas, the attacker spun around. A sick smirk was on his face as he moved towards the brunette. Amanda was mumbling something incoherently, shaking her head when the man left her. He stood in front of Olivia looking sinister as ever. She held her fierce unbreakable gaze, which enraged him. He backhanded her with such force that, it knocked her and the chair over. Liv grunted in pain as she hit the floor cheek first. He then turned his attention back to Amanda.

"See that's the problem with you cunt licking dykes. You think that you don't need a man but you can't even protect yourselves. I've been watching you for weeks and you didn't even know it. And you," he turned to Olivia, who was still on the floor. "You spew your feminist bullshit, bashing men when you wish you were one." He pulled the chair and Olivia back upright. "Is that it, huh? You wish you had one of these," he grabbed his crotch, aggressively in the brunette's face. "Is this what you want?! Is it?!" He backhanded her again, on the other cheek this time. Amanda screamed as best she could with her mouth duct taped. The perpetrator rushed back over to the bed and snatched the tape off her mouth.

"Arghhh!" screamed Rollins as he harshly ripped the duct tape off her sensitive skin.

He violently gripped her face, "Shut the fuck up!" He released the tight grip and drove her head backwards into the headboard. Rollins saw stars when her head bounced off the wood with force, as the room spun. The agony present in her beautiful blue eyes broke the other woman into a million pieces. Olivia fought against her restraints. As much as she tried the tape wasn't budging. She saw that he was about to strike Amanda again, so the season detective decided to try a different tactic with the maniac.

"You're right…" whispered a desperate Olivia in a submissive tone.

Just as he was about to swing, he stopped dead in his tracks. "What did you say?"

"I said you're right."

He looked at the bound woman with inquisitiveness. "And what am I right about?"

"Everything. You're right."

Those words transformed something inside of him. His whole demeanor changed. He tilted his head as he sized Olivia up. She was no longer sporting that stern, unyielding scowl. Her head was bowed and eyes closed in the most subservient gesture. That excited and enticed him. The sinister smile that lingered on his lips was filled with filth. "Say it again," his voice was low and laced with lust.

"You. Are. Right." Olivia dared to look up; she felt that her words had affected him.

"Yes I am!" His raspy voice roared throughout the room. That caused Liv's body to shudder, which enticed him even more. He rushed over and lifted her chin, to see that tears were present in her eyes. An internal gratification washed over his body as a few fell. The perpetrator was in his diabolical zone. He licked her tears slowly, as she internally cringed while trying not to react externally. Then suddenly, the man snatched Olivia by the hair vehemently and crashed his mouth onto hers. His tongue fought for entrance into her mouth. When she couldn't fight it any longer, a tortured noise escaped her mouth onto his. He was in a trance, the more she reacted the more turned on he became.

Amanda had finally gained some sense of awareness after being dazed from the blow. The blurriness in her eyes slowly began to clear. When her vision returned completely, the sight that she saw sickened and infuriated her. The small movement of her head caused her to grimace in pain. Nausea hit her suddenly but she had a goal that must be met, quickly. He was distracted by Olivia in the worst way. It was imperative that Amanda worked fast. Because the sight of his fingers, his mouth, his anything, anywhere near what was _hers…_ yes _hers_ took the blonde back to that place. _That_ dark place in her childhood, when surviving wasn't an option but a must. Amanda's will to protect what was _hers_ obliterated any and all other pain…

 **8 hours before, at the pool.**

"Well it's hard not to when you're looking at me like _that_ , _your_ look…" said Olivia while steadily stroking Amanda's hand. Looking into a unique shade of blue, a shade that she'd become accustomed to. It was if Olivia was seeing the other woman, truly for the first time. She had been so busy with the case and not with her feelings. The moment was rare, authentic, pure, and completely unexpected. They were both staring at each other, connecting wordlessly. "What is happening?"

"I don't know."

Olivia was seeing Amanda without any of the beards, jobs, or ops…she was only seeing her. A perfect flawed human being. That was the best kind. Amanda always insisted or jokingly implied that Olivia was perfect but she knew that she was far from perfection. The fact that they both were flawed, guarded and tough made it difficult to fully be present in the real, raw moments. But when their armor was temporarily dysfunctional, there wasn't anything to disguise their subconscious feelings.

"You seriously need to stop looking at me like that," said Amanda as she tried to remove her hands but Liv stopped her.

"Or what?" asked Olivia, practically daring the other woman. She closed the distance between them.

Amanda's breath caught in her throat at the close proximity. Olivia let her left hand fall to the small of the other woman's back. The motion of the water was calming scenery to their turbulent emotions. Their eyes were locked, as Olivia grazed her cheek with the unoccupied right hand. Nothing outside of that magnetic radius mattered. Amanda gently skimmed the brunette's bottom lip with her fingertip. Each touch setting a blaze along the delicate flesh. A splash beside them interrupted their moment, as they turned to see a woman dive into the pool.

Olivia sighed audibly as she blinked and cleared her throat, trying to regain her composure. "To be continued," said Liv as she released the blonde and disappeared under water.

Amanda flushed at that tone, and then rolled her eyes, "What the hell is she doing to me? Damn…"

 **Present time…**

Amanda's head was still spinning and her nausea severe but she was determined to get out of her restraints. Her legs were free, but her wrists were bound by rope behind her back. The seriousness of the case had them prepared for the worst. So both women had weapons hidden and stashed away throughout the condo. On the side of the bed that Amanda occupied, was an army knife that she'd stored under the mattress. The perp was fiercely grouping Olivia's body while touching himself. Amanda almost lost it at the disgusting sight. But she knew that her only chance to make a move was while he was completely preoccupied.

Amanda quietly slid her body to her side of the mattress. Before she attempted to reach her weapon she looked up. The attacker was licking Olivia's face, neck and upper body. It took everything within the brunette not to resist or fight back. The only reason why, was that she had caught Rollins' eye. A silent language was being exchanged between the two. This was the ultimate test of their trust. Olivia remained submissive while Amanda reached her weapon. When she reached the knife, the hard task began of cutting the ropes without cutting herself. The detective was secretly cutting off the restraints when she stabbed herself mid palm, audibly shrieking. The perp and Olivia's eyes diverted to the sound. He stopped everything and charged towards Rollins. Liv knew that this was a last resort. Without second guessing, she used her core strength and launched her restrained body toward the perp, without concern for her own well-being. Although bound by her hands and feet, she had to at least try and buy her partner some time.

"You fucking bitch!" spewed the attacker as he fell to the ground. He regrouped quickly. When he got back on his feet, he kicked Olivia in the gut. She couldn't defend or protect herself while bound to the chair on the ground, at his mercy. His rage overtook him as he wailed on the seasoned detective. Her spine shattering screeches ricocheted throughout the condo.

Amanda was working hard to free herself while trying to tune out the gut wrenching wails. When she couldn't bear anymore of the torture that was being inflicted on her partner, she snapped. "Hey! Get the fuck off her!" exclaimed the blonde.

The perp whipped his neck around. Pure sadism and mania was present in his soulless eyes. He started to head towards Amanda. Her hands were still behind her back. She wasn't quite free but she had to get him off of Olivia. He grabbed her by the throat with his left hand while fidgeting with his belt. Amanda was still cutting the rope while he was pressing his erection into her hip. She was trapped and the only thing she could think to do was spit on him, so she did. That added petroleum to an already out of control fire. He struck her in the face with force. This stopped the detective from cutting the ropes.

"You are going to pay for that, bitch" hissed the attacker.

He began to tug at her tights. The jostling, snapped Amanda out of the haze from the blow. Her hands were almost free but he was almost rid of her tights. Her fate was looking bleak. Her energy was depleted and she could barely fight anymore. If she took one more blow, she would be out and he would have his way with her. Then she heard a noise from the floor.

"Hey…" Olivia's voice was hoarse with exhaustion and anguish.

The perpetrator dropped his head, in frustration, "Oh good, you're still with us. I thought that you were going to be out of it for the best part. Trust me you're not going to want to miss this show," he began to lick Amanda in the same way he had Olivia. His coarse hands glided all over her body.

"What show, you sadistic fuck?!" Olivia was hoping to rile him up; anything to delay what she presumed was the inevitable. If he was going to do the unspeakable to her partner, she didn't want to witness it. Hopefully he would beat her unconscious because there was no way that she could bear that torture. So, she went for the kill. "Hell my fingers are more impressive than you, _little_ man."

That did it. Olivia had completely enraged him to the point of no return. "Shut up! You're fucking dead, bitch!" His body weight rose off of Amanda and she was able to finally free her hands. Soon as he turned his back headed towards the brunette, Rollins stabbed him in the right side with the sharp blade. "Ahhhhh!" She twisted the knife for maximum effectiveness. His screams went an octave higher, "Arrrggghhhh!"

"Take that you sick son of a bitch!"

Amanda then quickly moved to the night stand to retrieve her gun from the top drawer. Without a second thought she struck him in the back of the head with the gun, while he was bent over clutching his side. He fell to the floor besides Olivia which caused her to yelp. That had Rollins rushing to release the brunette. She cut the restraints with her knife. Amanda helped her to her feet. Olivia was in excruciating agony, each breath she took was a struggle due to the pain. Anger coursed through Rollins' body seeing her partner's beautiful face welted, bruised and bleeding. Amanda had severe lacerations and bruises of her own but that was of no concern to her in that moment. The blonde's eyes transformed into a deep violet and her rage took over. She kicked and stomped the perp in his injured side, eliciting excruciating screams from him.

"Get up you piece of shit!" demanded Amanda as she struck him in the side again.

"Amanda…" Olivia practically whispered the name, stopping her partner's attack on the perp.

"Liv…Liv, you alright?"

"Better now thanks to you, hero," dryly joked the brunette before she winced in pain.

"Easy, easy," said Rollins as she helped her partner to the bed. "Seriously, are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." When in all actuality Liv was everything but what she claimed to be.

Amanda knew that she was lying, trying to put on a brave face. No one would be fine after the beating that the brunette had taken. Olivia's obvious pain and discomfort ignited the blonde's rage mode all over again. She diverted her attention back to the perp. "I said get the fuck up!" she struck the man again. He turned over on his back. When he opened his eyes, the barrel of Amanda's gun was staring at him. "I'm not going to tell you again. Get. Up."

"H-hey, wh-what are you doing?"

Rollins ignored her partner and carried out her plan. Amanda had the gun trained directly on the perp's forehead. Steel to skin. He struggled to his feet as Amanda kept her gun on him. She gestured to the chair that Olivia was previously bound in, "Sit." He looked at her dazed and in disbelief. When he hesitated to comply with her demand, she pistol-whipped him. "Sit down, asshole!"

"Ahhhh," he roared in pain and anger as blood poured from his nose. "I swear you better kill me because if you don't, you're fucking dead! You crazy bitch!"

"Crazy? Oh, you don't even know the half of it…" she struck him with the steel under his left eye this time, as a deep gash formed.

"Amanda—"

The blonde continued to ignore Liv and kept talking. "See this isn't my first rodeo. Nope, I was thirteen when I first killed a man. Shot him dead, with a deer hunting shotgun." The perp's eyes widened at that shocking revelation. He swallowed hard and reconsidered his previous request because she just might do it. Rollins continued, "You remind me of him, a lot. You're a miserable, pathetic, sad, inbred, fucked up piece of shit just like he is, excuse me… _was_. I can give you the exact same fate as him. All I have to do is squeeze this trigger and send you on your way to hell." The tone that Amanda spoke in scared not only the perp but Olivia as well. It was a weird cross between calm and demonic. She was gone, back in that dark place and it seemed like she was about to reenact a very specific scene of her past.

"He's not worth it—"

Rollins tuned Liv out, completely. "Open your mouth," demanded the demonically entranced woman.

"No! Amanda! No!"

"Shut up, Olivia! He doesn't get to spend the rest of his life comfortably in prison. I'm ending this right here, right fucking now." She cocked the gun and the man pissed himself, "Open your goddamn mouth."

"Please no," begged the pathetic bastard. He cried and chanted, "Please, please, please…"

Olivia got up from the bed. Each movement was more difficult than the previous. The seasoned detective, moved behind Amanda as she clutched her ribs in pain. She whispered into the blonde's ear, "You're right. He doesn't deserve to live."

"No, he doesn't."

"But you do and if you do this, it'll eat away at you forever until there's nothing left. Whatever happened at thirteen, I'm sure you had no choice. But right now, you have one and if you execute this bastard it will haunt you for the rest of your life. He doesn't get to do that to you. And you don't get to do this to me…make me witness you throw it all away. If you shoot him, I will back you one hundred percent and tell everyone that you had no choice. But the two of us will always know the truth and I don't want our future to have this crimson stain on it."

Amanda's will was beginning to crack at the softly spoken and brutally honest words. Her hand with the gun began to tremble and Olivia knew that she had gotten in somewhat so she continued. "You mean too much to me, I can't let you do this. Give me the gun," the brunette covered her partner's hand from behind. Rollins didn't release the weapon immediately, "Let go, it's ok, let go…" Amanda took her hand off the trigger and finally let go. She stood there like a deer in headlights, emotionally drained.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," cried the relieved perp.

"Shut up!" shouted Olivia as she took a page from her partner's repertoire and pistol-whipped the man, knocking him unconscious. He was a bloody mess and he deserved that and more. Liv limped over to the night stand to get her cuffs. After he was subdued, the detective found her phone to call the precinct. She then went over to check on the spaced out Amanda. Olivia gently rubbed her back in a soothing, repetitive motion and said, "It's over."

At those two words, Amanda dropped to her knees and sobbed. It was the only thing that her body could do. She had nothing left. Olivia wrapped her arms around the woman who'd become to mean so much to her, as her own tears fell. Amanda reciprocated the embrace and held on tight as she her body rocked with sobs. They had been through hell and made it out on the other side, together. They desperately clung to each other, relieved. Both of them completely fell apart, safe in the other's arms…

 **Thanks for reading. R &R.**


	14. Chapter 14

**First of all thanks for the awesome words of encouragement. Reviewers, readers, PM-ers and followers, thank you. Sorry that I had some of you believing, it was the end. I wouldn't leave it hanging like that! A few of you asked will there be more after everything…yes! Secondly the update took so long because I had to reread previous chapters, to make sure that I didn't f up on certain facts. WARNING: healing isn't always easy or quick. Ok, enough of me. Enjoy!**

Guttural moans and wails filled the room. The sounds were something that one would only experience while viewing a horror show, except this was reality. An undesired front row seat, witnessing the life being beaten out of another human-being. Fresh blood poured, salty tears dried. The agonized cries stopped. The only sound that remained was bone shattering blows connecting with force. No. That part was over, right? Right?! No. Not yet. Autopilot kicked in. Boom was the last sound heard as blood and internal matter sprayed, covering the shooter.

"Nooooooo!" screamed Amanda as she jolted upright in her tiny hospital bed. "I'm not too late. I'm not too late."

Suddenly hands were on the confused woman, trying to calm her. "Hey you're ok, you're ok it was just a dream. You're in the hospital but you're going to be ok."

The nurse kept talking; trying to assure that everything was fine. Rollins blinked rapidly trying to calm down. She heard the woman saying words but they weren't registering. She looked around the room, frantically. Drowsiness and confusion was clouding her head. During the nurse's background chatter, Olivia's name was mentioned and that snapped her out of her disoriented state. Now that Amanda knew who she was looking for she went in search. Soon as she moved to get out of bed, her head began to pound. The detective reached to the spot causing the discomfort and felt a bandage wrapped around her head.

"Ma'am you suffered a concussion. The wound in the back of your head required stitches. You really need to get back in the bed, please. I can't allow you to wander the halls, ma'am."

"It's, Detective."

" _Detective,_ you're a patient right now and I need you to lie back down, please."

"Move out of my way."

"Ma'am, I can't—"

"Move!" Amanda's voice could be heard all the way down the hall. The older nurse jumped at the loud, frightening voice.

"Hey, hey what the hell is going on in here?" The commotion had Fin hustling into the room.

"Where is she?"

"Amanda relax. Get back in bed."

"Fin…"

He could tell that she wasn't going to back down. "Three doors down." She was gone before he barely got the last word out. Fin looked at the nurse, "I'm sorry. She's not usually—"

"It's alright I understand, she's been through a traumatic ordeal. She really doesn't need to get worked up though, her blood pressure hasn't regulated yet."

Fin sighed heavily and rubbed at his jawline, thinking. "Yeah, I know. I will make sure she gets back to bed soon."

Amanda stood at the entrance of Olivia's room. She didn't enter immediately. The detective stood there for a while and took in the sight of her partner. Olivia was a mess. There was barely any unblemished skin on her face. The left side of her face took the worst of it. It was bruised purple and blue. Her bottom lip was cut, right arm in a sling, chin busted but she was breathing. That was what mattered the most. Especially to Amanda, her eyes welled up with tears that she quickly blinked away. This wasn't the time for tears. Olivia began to stir but the slightest movement had her clutching her abdomen with a sharp intake of air in pain. Her ribs were busted die to the vicious attack and stomping. Amanda rushed best she could, given her own state, to her side.

"Shhhh try not to move," her voice was low and hoarse.

Olivia grimaced when she turned to see the other woman. "Amanda…" whispered the dazed brunette, her eyes partially opened.

"Yeah, it's me."

"Hey _you_ ," two simple words, that packed a trailer-tractor full of emotion.

The endearment and delivery in which it was said had Amanda's eyes misty again, "Hey."

Olivia's eyes fully opened and she took in the blonde standing beside her, "You-you look…terrible."

Amanda couldn't stop the small smirk that rose on her lips, "Such a charmer."

Rollins may have been up and walking, against medical advice, but she was seriously injured herself. Along with the stitches to the back of her head, her left hand also required stitches. The accidental self-inflicting wound was bandaged. A swollen right eye, lacerations over her thighs and a bruised neck from a violent choking rounded out her most serious injuries. Not to mention other minor scrapes and bruises.

"I'm serious, you don't look well. You need to go back—"

"I know, I know and I am. I just had to uhm…I needed to," Amanda knew what she wanted to say but it just wouldn't come out.

After that last unfinished statement, they went silent. The understanding was there but words failed them both, miserably. Neither one made any eye contact. They had been through a war together and made it onto the other side, barely. And they had the battle scars to prove it. The pain that racked through their bodies, served as a very present reminder of their hard-won fight to stay alive. But the hurricane was now over, and there was the lingering question of what comes next? That question had to wait, because their road to recovery, physically as well as mentally, was long. But there was something that needed to be addressed immediately.

Olivia extended her bruised and battered hand out to the other woman. Amanda looked at it then its owner. It was the first time that they had made eye contact. And like many times before they felt it, _it._ The indescribable _it,_ that had the ladies feeling incredibly, vulnerable. They were no longer in a life or death situation, nor in shock. Everything being felt was one hundred percent authentic. Amanda grasped the awaiting hand as Olivia finally found her words.

"Thank _you_." Just as simple as the 'hey _you_ ' but packed just as much emotional weight. Liv saw Amanda shaking her head no, and felt her pulling away but she wouldn't allow it. "You saved my life."

"Don't—"

" _You_. Saved. Me. Us…you saved us. _You_ did and I—" it was now Olivia's turn to try and combat her tears. No other words summed it up but, "Thank you. If you hadn't made it to your gun, I-I don't know what—" the brunette shook her head as her tears finally fell.

Amanda couldn't take it anymore. She could no longer hold in the tears. They dropped as she spoke, "We saved us, alright. You sacrificed your body, allowed him to…" The image of the perp touching Olivia flashed through her mind again. The detective sighed deeply trying to finish her statement. "Then you used your body as a weapon, giving me time while he beat the hell out of you. You trusted _me_ enough to sacrifice yourself while I made it to my gun. So _we_ did it together. I didn't save you, we saved each other. Thank _you_ , for trusting me. Thank you for saving me." Amanda squeezed their adjoined hands even tighter as she brought them to her lips, and placed a tender kiss on them.

"Hey Liv, I—oh I'm sorry. I uhm, I didn't mean to interrupt," said Nick. He was very uncomfortable, as he walked in on the women having an intimate moment.

"You're not," both ladies said in unison without taking their eyes off each other.

"Ok…" Nick begged to differ but he wouldn't dare say it aloud. "I hate to say this but they need your statements."

"Right now? She's concussed and I'm drugged," explained a baffled Olivia.

"I know but Lawrence is awake and making claims that—"

"Lawrence?" butt in Rollins.

"The uh, the perpetrator. He is awake and making all sorts of accusations."

Amanda's body felt if though it was about to combust with flames. Nick knew that look and feeling. So he did what any good detective would do. He turned around to leave, so he could have deniability. He knew that Rollins was about to spill some of the happenings of the ordeal. And he didn't want to hear anything that he would be legally bound to testify to. When Rollins saw that Amaro had exited and closed the door behind him she spoke.

"I should have shot him."

"Amanda, no."

"Yes."

"No! Listen to me, no one will believe him. Lawrence knows that he is dead to rights so he's trying to pull a Hail Mary. Don't go there, you did the right thing." Olivia took her hand again and pulled it, forcing Amanda to look at her. "You know I wouldn't lie to you. So listen to me when I say, you did the right thing." The blonde nodded, unable to speak due to her emotions. Liv knew that the other woman was trying to hold it together. "Now, I need you to go to your room and give your statement. I will come and visit you after I give mines. Ok?"

Amanda simply nodded again, still not trusting her voice to speak. When she left the room, Olivia sighed heavily. She was in excruciating pain and the new stressors weren't helping. Giving an account on the happenings of that night was nauseating. Just thinking about it, was re-traumatizing the barely put together detective. She had never experienced fear like that before in her entire life. The more she thought about it, the more erratic her breathing became. Her chest tightened and she felt faint. The monitors started beeping and indistinct voices were shouting around her. Frantic hands were working, feverishly on her.

"Detective! Detective can you hear me?! Stay with me! I've got you. You should feel better very soon." A doctor reassured as she injected medicine into the IV. Olivia's breathing began to even out as she blinked. She focused her eyes on the woman beside her. The doctor was smiling and nodding her head in an encouraging manner. The monitors beeping steadied as well. The next thing Olivia remembered was black. "She's out and her pressure has steadied. Good, alright no one in or out, Detective Benson needs rest. Nurse Henderson, keep a close eye on the detective please and alert me if her status changes."

"Yes, Doctor."

IAB was swarming around the hospital like vultures. Captain Cragen was fighting tooth and nail to keep them at bay while his detectives recovered. They were relentless assholes, as usual. Olivia wasn't available for questioning so they were closing in on Rollins. Fin was with his partner as they waited to see what was going to happen. She hadn't said much since visiting Olivia. He could tell that there was something bothering her but he wouldn't push the issue until she was ready. The Captain entered the room with a defeated look on his face.

"I hate to tell you this but they need your statement. Apparently Cameron Tyler Lawrence is some hot shot on Wall Street and he's making a lot of threats. I'm sorry Rollins but—"

"It's alright, Captain. I'll be fine."

"I will be in here with you the entire time. But Fin you have to go."

"Ok," said Fin as he got up to leave. "I'll be back, Amanda keep your head up."

She nodded at him and then turned her attention to the Captain. "So what is he claiming?"

"Don't worry about that. Just give your side of what happened. I don't care what kind of tricks that son of a bitch and his lawyers try, his ass is going down. Got it?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good, I'm going to get Tucker and his partner."

 **After the pool, walking home…**

 _The detectives walked down the sidewalk in relative silence. The moment that they had shared at the pool earlier was racing through their minds. It was so intimate and un-staged. They were normally performing for whoever was supposed to be watching but not that time. There wasn't a crowd just them and their real reactions toward each other. Olivia looked over to Amanda and could practically hear her thinking._

" _Just say it."_

" _Say what?"_

" _Whatever it is, that you're obviously thinking about."_

" _Who says that I'm thinking about something?"_

" _Me."_

" _And that makes you knower of all—"_

" _Amanda, stop." Olivia stopped walking. She grabbed Rollins' shoulders and turned to face her. "Just say it. Say whatever it is you're thinking."_

" _This isn't real!" exclaimed a fed up, Amanda. "And you keep making me feel like it is and it's confusing the hell out of me. So just stop! Please. You keep—"_

 _Olivia pulled Amanda in close to her by the waist. She caressed her face like she had earlier in the pool. And without a second thought she kissed the unsuspecting blonde. Mid rant, Liv shut her up in the best way. The brunette wasn't concerned about their surroundings. Liv had to show Amanda that she wasn't pretending any longer. Words weren't convincing the detective, so she showed her by actions. The kiss wiped away any remaining lingering thoughts of doubt._

 _Olivia framed Amanda's face with both hands and planted a final soft peck on her lips, before pulling away completely. The brunette opened her eyes to see her partner's still closed, with a satisfied whimsical expression on her face. Liv smiled at that sight, one that she could get used to seeing on the regular. "That was real and judging by the look on your face…you felt it. Now let's go home so that we can figure this all out…"_

 **Present time…**

"Thank you, Detective Rollins. I'm sure that your Captain has told you that Mr. Lawrence has made some pretty serious complaints against you, in particular. So it would be in your best interest to not wait the allowed 48 hours and make a statement now."

"What are the complaints that he's making?"

"We'll get to that. I need your statement first."

"No, I—"

"Detective," said Cragen in a warning tone.

"Fine."

"Good. From the beginning please," Tucker sat down a tape recorder. "When did you first notice that Mr. Lawrence was inside the condo?"

Amanda took a steadying breath before she began. "It wasn't right away. Detective Benson and I entered our condo after leaving the gym. We stopped in the kitchen. We were about to make dinner. But I decided to take a shower first, while Detective Benson got started."

"What happened next?"

Another deep sigh escaped her mouth, "I walked down the hallway, headed into the bedroom when a hand closed over my mouth from my right side, before I could react. An arm around my neck soon followed. I struggled for a bit before I could no longer fight. I was trying to make enough noise to warn her but all I remember is the darkness. When I came to, I was bound by my hands with expertly knotted rope and duct tape over my mouth. Detective Benson was bound in the chair by duct tape, bleeding. The perp was hovering over me when I became fully aware of the situation." Rollins' emotions were trying to rise to the surface. Yes she was mad as hell but also traumatized.

"Do you need a minute, Detective?"

"No," there was an annoyed edge to her voice. "The perp then took turns beating us. Touching us. Then beating us some more. We fought hard, we did, we fought. I tried to get him off her. But Liv…" she paused as images flashed through her mind and her heart broke. She closed her eyes to try and stop them but she kept seeing the brutality. "Poor Liv, sh-she got it the worst. I fought, I did. I tried. I fought to get to her. But not fast enough. She had to be in so much pain. I will never forget the sounds of her cries," a single tear had streaked down her bruised face. "He kept beating her and beating and beating," Amanda was in a trance. She was rambling in snippets of that night's events, "I messed up. Stabbed myself, screamed. He went crazy." The blonde detective was totally unaware of Tucker or Cragen's presence as she blabbed on. "Liv nearly broke her body in two to stop him. She was in so much pain, so much pain. But she still saved us. She did, I got free. I jammed my knife into that—

"Amanda," Cragen tried to interrupt her but she was couldn't stop.

"I got my gun and—"

"That's enough for now, Lieutenant!" The Captain had to put a stop the interview, quickly. "Detective Rollins is in no state to give a statement as you can see. She is seriously injured and obviously traumatized. Nurse call her Doctor please." Amanda was still mumbling incoherently when Cragen led Tucker outside. He closed the door behind them then let him have it. "What the hell is your problem, Tucker?! He almost killed them for fuck's sake! How can you even investigate based off his word?"

"I have a job to do, Captain! Lawrence claims that Detective Rollins put a loaded gun down his throat while he was subdued, begging for his life!"

"And you're going to take that bastard's word over two trusted detectives?"

"No, that's why I want their statements. Hell, it would've been easier on everyone if Lawrence hadn't made it out of there alive."

"Wait for it. You just might get your wish," interrupted Nick. "Cameron Tyler Lawrence was just rushed into emergency surgery…he might not make it."

"Good." The chillingly grim voice startled the three men. They turned to the voice and witnessed the absolute last person, they expected to see.

"Liv, you shouldn't be—"

"Don't," she stopped him. "I need a favor…" the tone and pleading look in her eyes, told Amaro that this was serious. He needed and wanted to be there for his partner. Nick took over for the people pushing her gurney and turned into a secluded area away from Cragen and Tucker. When it was only the two of them he saw that was she fighting back her tears. Seeing her in such a vulnerable state had him struggling to stay strong. Nick didn't know what to do, he felt helpless.

"What is it, Liv? I'm here. What do you want me to do? Anything, just tell me…" his voice was soft and full of compassion.

Olivia handed him an envelope. "Give this to Amanda. And tell her that I'm sorry…"

 **Ouch. FunFact: Those who are or have been obsessed, like me, will be able to tell what I was listening to while writing this chapter!** **Thanks for reading.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Sorry for the unexpected hiatus. I suck, I know. I'm not going to bore you with excuses. I hope you enjoy this chapter and most importantly, I hope that you're still reading.**

"I haven't talked to her since then and that was two weeks ago. I know that she probably hates me. I hate me. I just couldn't, I needed time. I needed to—"

"Heal," finished Dr. Huang. "It's ok to take care of yourself. Olivia, you went through the most traumatic experience of your life. You're allowed to self-preserve and heal."

"I went about it like a coward, though. I couldn't tell her face to face. I just kept picturing the hurt and sadness that would be present in her eyes. Those eyes…" Olivia stared off into space, longingly. "Just imagining the look on her face when she read my letter…" She sighed heavily as she paced the Dr.'s office. "She'll never forgive me and I don't blame her."

"Detective, this is our third session and the only thing that you've talked about is Detective Rollins. We both know the reason why you've been assigned mandatory sessions with me. So please, let's not avoid the inevitable, any longer. Have a seat, please." Olivia complied, begrudgingly. Once the detective was seated, Huang continued. "Tell me, have you been dealing with the assault?"

"Can you please not call it that?"

"My apologies. What do you call it?"

"I don't."

"Call it anything? Or just not deal with the attack at all?"

"You're really starting to annoy me."

"Olivia, you have to deal with what has happened to you. You can't just pretend like it didn't happen. And I'm pretty sure that you're aware that after your two months of leave, you have to get cleared by me to return to work. If I was asked today, needless to say that I wouldn't clear you."

The exhausted detective let her head fall back against the couch. She exhaled heavily before she spoke, "I'm scared."

Dr. Huang looked up from his notes. He observed the woman's body language and obvious exhaustion. He could tell that she hadn't been sleeping. Even though he gave Olivia the same level of care as his other patients, she wasn't just any other patient. The doctor didn't want to do the cliché 'and how does that make you feel' routine. His only goal was to do whatever he could to help her begin to heal, emotionally. So instead of asking a redundant question he encouraged her to continue, "Go on…"

"I know that Lawrence is dead, I know that but I'm still scared. I can't sleep. I check and recheck my locks. Updated my alarm system, where it can't be so easily disabled. But I'm still scared and that's crazy."

"No it's not, it's normal. After such a cataclysmic ordeal, fear is a normal feeling to have. Your life was in danger; you're allowed to be rattled by that. Now that you're not in denial, you need to figure out how to combat those feelings when they arise."

"Ok, how?"

Huang handed her a pamphlet. "Those are some of the immediate things that you can to do to suppress those feelings. But I also suggest medication for anxiety and group therapy with other people who have had similar experiences as you."

"Not going to happen. No medicine and no to the group therapy."

"I'm going to write you a prescription anyway. You have to sleep, Olivia. And the group session would be very beneficial. It's anonymous just like AA. I really wish you'd consider it. I'm going to call my colleague and tell her to keep an eye out for you." Huang handed her the prescription and his colleague's card. "That's all for today, Detective."

"Thanks, Doc."

Olivia walked out of the Doctor's office a little lighter than when she entered. Her arm was still in a sling and her ribs weren't fully healed but knowing that she wasn't going crazy was a relief. The quick moment of relief didn't last when her mind wondered yet again to Amanda. Olivia wondered how her recovery was going. Nick told her that she'd been released from the hospital three days before her. The brunette reached for her phone as she walked down the hallway. When she unlocked her phone, there she was. The picture they'd taken on the night of HairGate was still her background wallpaper. She studied the photo, her bright smile with Amanda kissing her cheek. Happier times, before things had changed between them. Before HellGate came and ruined everything. The light on the phone dimmed along with her nerve, to reach out to the other woman.

 _I'm sorry. I have to go. Trust me, it's not you. I can't stay here with him here, still breathing. I can't. Get better and don't be a pain in the ass, listen to your Doctor. Remember it's real, Amanda. It's real. ~Liv_

Amanda had read that letter maybe a hundred times and each time felt like the first. The initial hurt had since turned into anger. Who says goodbye like that? And then she couldn't help but wonder, if it was real, why she still hadn't heard from Olivia. Before the last two weeks, they had spent every day together. Eating alone wasn't the same. Watching terrible reality shows wasn't the same. Working out alone wasn't the same. Nothing was the same, anymore. Amanda was in a deep depression. The attack plus the seemingly loss of Olivia, had the weary woman on the edge of a nervous breakdown. It was the middle of the day but the bottle of whiskey on the counter was calling her name. A knock at the door startled and halted her plans. Rollins grabbed her gun with shaky hands. Ever since the attack she wore it on her 24/7. The detective didn't ask who it was. She simply just opened the door with her gun pointed at whoever was on the other side.

"Whoa, whoa! It's me, it's me," said the achingly familiar voice.

Amanda almost dropped her weapon when she realized who it was. "Olivia…" it came out in a singsong tone of voice. Rollins slowly gained her composure as she lowered the gun. After getting over the initial shock of seeing her former partner, she snapped out of it. In her authoritative voice she asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I uhm, I wanted to see you. See how you've been."

A soft, sarcastic chuckle escaped Rollins' mouth before the rage appeared, "I've been _great._ Let's see…nearly raped and killed by a psychopath. Said psychopath nearly ruined my career, luckily he died before he could completely destroy my life. Then here comes the best part, you ready? The one person that I thought was in my corner abandoned me in a hospital. While I was concussed and injured, via letter just to add insult onto injury." The blonde couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity that secretly made her want to cry. "Yeah, I think that pretty much sums it up alright. Ok, great chat. I have a glass of JD, needing my attention." The sarcastic tone was long gone when she delivered the next line. "So please, get your ass far the fuck away from my door."

It wasn't the first door slammed in Olivia's face but in that moment, at that time, it was the worst. Liv knew that, that reaction should've been expected from Amanda. The weary brunette leaned against the door that had just slammed in her face. Rollins had never spoken to her like that but she was livid. While undercover, the blonde went against her better judgment and let down her guard, after fighting it and let Olivia in. Then boom, just when she was ready to let go completely, everything fell apart in the worst way. Although she was very upset, Amanda felt terrible for speaking to Olivia in that way.

"Damn it!" exclaimed Amanda as she went after Olivia. When she swung the door open, the brunette tumbled forward. With the door unexpectedly opening, it caused Olivia to lose her footing. "Whoa!" Rollins steadied the woman who winced at the tight grip. Her arm was still in a sling. "Oh, sorry."

"It's fine. If you wouldn't have caught me I would be on the floor, so thanks."

"I thought you'd be down the hall by the time I—"

"Oh, so you were coming after me?"

And there it was, the soft smile that got the young detective in this predicament in the first place. That signature smirk mixed with the tone in which Liv said it, had Amanda pumping the brakes. "Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Smile, talk, anything, just don't alright. I'm pissed at you."

"I know."

"No, you don't. You don't have a fuc—ahem, _freakin_ clue what has been going through my head ever since you just freakin vanished!" Rollins' voice elevated toward the end of her statement. Her outburst gained a neighbor's attention walking by, eying the ladies suspiciously. "Get in here." Amanda grabbed the uninjured arm and pulled Liv into the apartment. "Sit," demanded the vexed woman.

Olivia complied, instantly. She knew that this wouldn't be a walk in the park. She had hurt Amanda after convincing her to let down the wall. If there was any other way, Olivia would've stayed but she just couldn't. Although Lawrence was dead, the trauma that he inflicted on her was very much alive. Not just physically but mentally the veteran detective was a mess. Anxiety, paranoia, insomnia were just a few of the things plaguing her.

"Look," continued Rollins. "When I found out that we were going to be on this assignment together, I thought no way in hell would it work but it did. Things changed…" Amanda let that linger for a moment. "We went through hell together and survived. After we made it through, you were gone. You left a note, a fucking note!" She couldn't stop the anger that kept spewing out of her mouth no matter how much she tried to tame it. So once more she paused to calm herself. In a much calmer tone she finished, "That was a slap in the face. I finally thought that I had someone that understood me, flaws and all. I let myself need someone, you. Normally I wouldn't depend on anyone to be there but you," Amanda looked at Olivia, really looked at her for the first time since that day. "You… _you_ were supposed to be different."

Those words shot straight to Olivia's heart because she _was_ different. Her intentions were never to hurt Amanda but everything changed after that horrific night. Every bit of Olivia's sense of safety, security or invincibility was stripped away from her. She was defeated and she couldn't allow Amanda to see her like that. Excuses wouldn't ease the pain or make what she did acceptable. Amanda was hurt and Olivia was the cause. The only thing to do was be honest and transparent. Olivia stood from her previously commanded seat and walked toward the upset woman with extended arms.

"I'm sorry."

"No."

"Amanda…"

"Don't!"

"Amanda just—"

"No!"

That stopped the brunette in her tracks. She saw the unshed tears welling into the beautiful sea of blue that she had gotten accustomed to. No words or actions could persuade Amanda to listen to her. Showing up unexpectedly proved to be a bad decision. Her other options, calling or goodness forbid, sending a letter would probably bare the same results. It was clear that Amanda needed time to be angry and Olivia couldn't fight that. She too needed time to be angry but not at Amanda but at the situation and at the way she handled it.

"I should go."

"Yeah, you really should."

Olivia moved slowly due to her injuries that she was still recovering from. When she got to the door she looked back at her partner. And she still considered Amanda as her partner, in every sense of the word, her _partner_. "I'm going. I know that you hate me right now but I am sorry. I'm sorry, Amanda."

With those last three words, Olivia exited the apartment. The brunette knew to expect that type of reception from Amanda. But what was unexpected was the shame and sorrow that totally overwhelmed her. The seasoned detective was absolutely crushed. Every time that she tried to internally reason her decision, those distinct blue eyes haunted her. And she knew that there was no excuse. She should have handled the situation better. Olivia didn't know how she would get through to Amanda, let alone through their joint session with Huang the following day. Feeling absolutely defeated, the detective headed home.

The two women spent the rest of the day very differently. After leaving Amanda's, the brunette walked in the park a while before heading home. The walk did nothing to ease her mind or conscious. She felt like shit and the only thing that would help, wasn't available to her at the moment. Amanda's understanding and forgiveness was the only that could help her. So she went home and wrote down everything that she was feeling until she felt lighter.

The remainder of Rollins' day had just a tad bit more excitement. After sending Olivia on her way, Amanda needed to release some stress. So she reverted back to what she would do in Georgia when she was restless. She got drunk and hit the gun range. Whereas back home it would've been shooting beer cans in the back yard with a bottle of cheap whiskey. When her ammo dried up at the range she went to the bar around the corner from her apartment. Well that turned out to be a terrible idea. Her fresh trauma had her paranoid and the endless flow of whiskey was making it worse. Any guy that approached or looked her way she perceived as a threat.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" slurred the beyond intoxicated detective.

"Excuse me?" replied the confused man on his way to the restroom. "I was just—"

"I'm a fuckin cop! Don't even try it!" exclaimed Rollins as she nervously felt for her gun. Then suddenly two restricting hands stopped her movements. That made her quest to get her weapon even more frantic.

"Amanda! Amanda, no! Stop fighting, it's me."

That voice halted her movements, "Liv?"

"Yes. It's me." That put Amanda at ease, which caused Olivia to ease up on her fierce hold. "Let me take you home."

The blonde spun around best she could. Her current state of drunkenness was affecting her tremendously. "What? Wh-why? Why are you here? I-I didn't call you. Did I? Did you?" she looked at the bartender for an answer. He nodded, reassuring her before she continued her rant, "That's right I didn't! I didn't call you!"

"No, you didn't. I did." Amanda turned around to find her other partner there. Before she could interject he continued, "I was worried about you. So I went by your crib and your neighbor told me that you were here drunk off your ass."

"You shouldn't have called her!"

"Yes, he should've. Thanks for the call Fin. I'll take it from here." And with that, Fin gave Olivia an encouraging nod before he took off. After making sure that Fin was gone, she refocused her attention back on Amanda. "Please don't do this here. Let me take you home and you can yell at me all you want there."

Rollins' intoxication made it difficult for her to fight her longing mixed with anger for Olivia. After a silent stare down, their 'look' was exchanged between them. And Amanda allowed Liv to help her. Olivia left some bills on the bar top for the bartender, sending him an apologetic look as they exited the bar. The brunette used her good arm to help keep the inebriated woman on her feet. After a staggering few blocks they were at their destination.

"Ok, ok we're here. Where are your keys?" Amanda mumbled incoherently as she unsuccessfully felt for her keys. "Here let me," said Olivia. She tried to balance Amanda against the door while she searched her pockets.

"Hey! Hands, hands!"

"I'm just trying to get your keys," said Liv as she raised her good arm in surrender. When she did that Amanda's body started to slump but she caught her quickly. "Careful! Please just work with me for thirty seconds until I can get you inside. What the hell were you drinking?" whispered the brunette to herself out of frustration.

"Everything," slurred Rollins catching Liv off guard.

Olivia finally got the door opened and led Amanda to the sofa. "Ok, relax. I'll get you some water."

"No, I just need to crash." Rollins removed her gun, keeping it close by as she stretched out on the sofa.

"I know but when you wake up it'll be here, waiting on you."

"You were supposed to be different."

That familiar phrase stopped Olivia in her tracks. It was muffled and slurred but it was the same words that Amanda had used on her earlier. There weren't any words that Liv could form. Anything she said right now would just make things worse. Liv walked back over to the sofa and set the water down before she sat in the chair next to Amanda. The weary detective watched as her partner faded off into dream land. What a shitty 24 hours it had been. Liv was consumed in her thoughts and emotions when she heard the barely audible declaration.

"I stopped pretending and fell in…"

 **Thanks for reading.**


	16. Chapter 16

Everything hurt. Physically, mentally, emotionally…Olivia was in torment. She hadn't slept a wink since Amanda's drunken, spontaneous confession. Even though Amanda was inebriated, Olivia knew that the words that she spoke were true. The spontaneity in which she revealed her innermost thoughts, proved to be authentic. Sober Amanda would do everything in her power to suppress those words from flying out of her mouth. Her inhibitions were lowered which allowed the words to just flow freely. Every time Olivia had a flashback of the moment she closed her eyes and sighed heavily. She didn't know what Amanda would remember from the night and the anticipation of what was to come had the detective on edge. She was dealing with her own feelings about the revelation, plus she was still on the blonde's shit list.

Amanda slowly began to stir. Her eyes blinked lazily as she adjusted to the light. The detective was cheek down on the sofa with her face towards the cushion. The pounding in her head paralleled any collegiate, mighty drum line. Desert sand dryness coated her throat. The turbulent waves in her stomach rivaled those of the Bering Sea. Saying that last night was a regret, based on her extreme hangover from hell, was an understatement. Just when her morning couldn't get any worse, she turned over to see Olivia curled up in the chair watching her.

"Good morning."

"Unh-unh."

"Ok…How are you feeling?"

"Shitty," responded the blonde without missing a beat. Amanda's eyes wondered around the room as it spun. Last night was a blur, but she knew that it was regrettable, based on how terrible she felt. She had seriously over indulged and was paying for it big time. When she finally got into a sitting position, her nausea was overwhelming. Amanda took off towards the restroom, making it just in time. Last night's spirits poured out of her. Olivia was right by her side, holding blonde strands of hair and rubbing her back while she retched. Amanda was a mess and Olivia couldn't help but to feel like she contributed to her pain. The heaving finally stopped while Rollins took a moment to regroup and get herself together.

"I'm alright," said Rollins in a raspy voice as she moved away from Liv's touch. "Not my first hangover, don't need a tour guide."

"Sorry, I was just trying to—"

"Yeah, I could use a little privacy right now."

The sudden snappy, interruption caught Olivia off guard. "Sure." Before she could get out of the bathroom good, the door was locking behind her. "Well, I'm uh…I'm going to go. I'll see you at Huang's."

Amanda didn't reply. She just listened for the door to close behind Olivia. Once it did, she went to secure the locks. It was a new ritual that she'd gotten accustomed to after the attack. Her head was pounding and her throat was dry from the excruciating heaving. After popping a few aspirin and firing up the Keurig, she went back into the bathroom. She studied her reflection in the mirror for a while. Heavy bags under eyes and fading bruises were just a few of the flaws staring back at her. Her mind was racing with the last tumultuous 24 hours. It was coming back in tiny pieces. Whiskey, the gun range, whiskey, the bar, much more whiskey, Fin, Liv carrying her home. The weary woman sighed at those memories as she closed her eyes and washed her face.

Then suddenly she gasped and grabbed her mouth at a very specific memory from the night, "Oh fuck! No! I didn't! No, no, no…"

Meanwhile…Olivia had made it back to her apartment. Her apartment seemed so dull after living in the swanky condo. It also seemed empty and very lonely without her _partner._ Exhaustion clung to her body while her mind was all over the place. She spent the entire night up watching Amanda sleep. That drunken confession kept her up and raced through her mind all night. It was so unsuspected. Liv didn't know how to take it. Amanda was completely trashed but as the saying goes, 'drunken tongues speak the sober truth.' What really unnerved the detective was, her response to the outburst.

" _I stopped pretending and fell in…deep," slurred Amanda before she passed out._

" _Me too," whispered Olivia. "Me too."_

During their months undercover Olivia knew that things had changed between them. For one, she really got a chance to know Amanda. Beyond a new blossoming friendship, the platonic nature of their relationship was blurred given their unique circumstances. However, Olivia never allowed herself to fully go there until the op was over. The traumatic ending to the assignment, changed those plans. That night changed Olivia, after everything that transpired she was a totally different woman. That didn't change what she felt for Amanda but she didn't know how to handle it on top of her trauma. Feeling helpless, the brunette got dressed and headed to Huang's early before her joint session with Amanda later. Hopefully the doctor, who was also a friend, could help her navigate through the tricky obstacle course, currently known as her life.

Rollins was seriously considering cancelling her session with Dr. Huang and Olivia. After piecing together her night, the ultimate truth-bomb that she dropped, came back to her memory. The only thing that she could think about, was how quick and far away from the city she could get. Every time she thought of the moment she grimaced, in shame. Hungover, mad as hell and completely mortified summed up her current emotions. If the sessions weren't mandatory, Rollins would be long gone, far away from what she was about to step into. Adding insult to injury, Olivia had witnessed her disastrous morning. Swallowing the last of her pride and nerves, Amanda walked into Dr. Huang's office, where Olivia was already seated and waiting. _Fucking, perfect._

"Detective Rollins, please, come in." The doctor extended his hand to the empty seat.

"Dr. Huang," greeted the blonde before turning to the woman beside her. "Detective Benson."

 _Really? Detective Benson?_ "Detective Rollins," responded Olivia in the same icy tone.

 _Well…this should be interesting._ "Detectives, first off welcome. As you know, I am here to evaluate and determine when you will be ready to return to active duty. Besides that, I'm here to listen and help you in any way that I can. Let's begin…"

An hour later, they walked out of Huang's together side by side. Neither had said much since therapy but both felt different, a bit of relief. Amanda looked over at Olivia. A lot had been revealed and said in their session that the blonde was unaware of. Something hit her while she stared at the other woman, understanding. Clarity had broken through the anger and Amanda felt so small. She decided to finally speak up, "I let my anger get the better of me. I've been awful to you. You went through a trauma too, Liv. We both went through hell. And I've been such a bitch to you."

A chill ran up Olivia's spine. Before she could react to the words, Amanda was talking again.

"When I got your letter…I didn't know what to think. Naturally, I assumed that it was me. I guess I got so pissed because it's normally something that I would've done. Just up and disappear, but you? You're so _you_. So supportive, caring and…and I don't know freaking perfect. A hero, heroine, wonder woman or whatever."

"That's the thing with being a hero, heroine, wonder woman or whatever. They're not perfect, they all have flaws and weaknesses…"

That lingered between them before Olivia continued.

"I always told you that I'm not perfect. I am a flawed person." They made eye contact and Olivia felt that this was her opportunity to be completely transparent. "Wow, this is uh…well, extremely difficult to say."

"Whatever it is, just say it and I will try to understand." Amanda was bracing herself for whatever was about to come out of Olivia's mouth. The encouragement helped the brunette to speak her truth.

"Ok, so when I first woke up in the hospital, I panicked. I was dazed and confused. I didn't know where you were or where _he_ was." Olivia refused to say his name. Amanda picked up on it and understood exactly where she was coming from. "Then when I looked over you were standing there. All beat to hell, and my heart broke. I felt that I had failed you, us. Anyways, after you left I was feeling so many emotions. Anger, inadequate, sad, scared…you name it, I felt it. I was so upset that my BP spiked, breathing became erratic and my doctor had to rush in to stabilize me."

"Wait, what?"

"It was nothing. I just got a little worked up. Anyway after all of that, I only had one thought. The only thing I could think of was protecting you." Olivia paused and looked directly into Amanda's eyes. The blonde felt and saw the sincerity in her words. "I decided that he wasn't going to make it out of that hospital alive." A dark tone washed over the room and Amanda had to blink a few times, to register what was being said to her. "I bribed…well threatened, the officer guarding my door to steal me a wheelchair. When I got to his room, he was cuffed to the bed and a mask was helping him breathe. After getting rid of the cop watching him, I rolled to the side of his bed. It felt like I was on autopilot…"

"Liv…" Amanda couldn't believe what she was hearing. They looked at each other for a while, silent.

Olivia continued, "I could barely move because of my ribs but I—"

"Stop. They said that he died from internal bleeding, complications from surgery. You didn't—"

"He woke up while I was in there. His eyes bucked when he saw me. I'd never seen fear like that in the eyes of another grown man before. And you know what? I liked it. He was scared of me. After every vile, and degrading thing that he'd done to me, _us_. He was the one now scared and terrified of what I was going to do. At _my_ mercy and I liked it."

"Olivia, what did you do?"

The detective took a steadying breath before answering. "Nothing. I didn't have the opportunity to do anything. After he saw me, he started to panic. All of his machines started beeping and I was wheeled out of there so the doctors could work."

"And if that hadn't happened?"

Olivia didn't say anything, she just looked at Amanda. There wasn't a need for any more words. An understanding was present between the two women. After some silent processing, Amanda said, "I think that he got what he deserved."

Even after that statement, Olivia still hadn't uttered a word. They walked a few blocks, consumed with their own separate thoughts. Amanda felt like an even bigger asshole than she did before their talk. She knew what Olivia was planning on doing, stood against everything that she believed in. Hell she'd stopped Amanda from ending it all, so the blonde knew that Olivia must have been at her breaking point.

"You remember HairGate?" It was the first thing that Olivia had said since Amanda's question. It was also very random and caught the blonde off guard.

"Uh y-yeah, I do."

"That night, I made a promise to myself to leave all of my shit behind and be 100% committed to our assignment, even though—"

"You hated me," filled in Rollins with a teasing smile on her face.

"No! I didn't hate you."

"It's fine, I wasn't the biggest Detective Benson fan at that particular moment either." That earned her a friendly shove, which lightened the mood.

"I didn't hate you. I just didn't know you or make any effort to. But after HairGate, I got to know you. I confided and shared some things with you that I've never shared with anyone. Towards the end of our time undercover, I had taken it personally. I wanted to live up to the 'hero, heroine, wonder woman or whatever' that you proclaimed me to be but I didn't. I failed you."

"No you didn't—"

"I. Failed. You. I was going to do it…" That statement lingered, while their walking slowed down.

"But you didn't, Liv. He bled out during surgery."

"Your 'hero, heroine, wonder woman or whatever' shouldn't be a person that would even consider that. Not only could I not protect you but I was going to be the biggest hypocrite and do what I convinced you not to do. When the adrenaline had worn off and I came to myself, I felt like the worst person, _cop_ ever. I was unworthy of your hero-like admiration. I couldn't face you. So I acted like a coward and retreated. I was so embarrassed, ashamed, hurt. I just couldn't face you. The shame was too much. I'm sorry that I didn't live up to who you thought I was. I felt like he turned me into something else, a monster. I couldn't be that person and face you. I had to leave, to try and find myself. I still haven't but…I just couldn't be away from you any longer. I know that my words don't have much credibility with you right now but I am truly sorry for the way I handled everything, Amanda."

Olivia wanted to reach for Amanda's hand but she didn't want to over step her boundaries. The last thing that she wanted was to make her partner feel uncomfortable. Amanda still hadn't responded and Olivia was dying for her to say something, anything. When the brunette dared to briefly glance over at the other woman, she saw shiny blue eyes, misty with unshed tears. Liv knew not to address that, the feisty detective hated to show emotion, which she equated to weakness. They'd walked for so long that they were close to Olivia's apartment. Rollins still hadn't reacted to the explanation, apology. Not completely knowing what to do but not wanting to let them part ways without saying anything, Liv made a suggestion.

"My favorite coffee spot by my apartment is a few blocks away. I could go for a cup of tea. Only if present company would join me. What do you say?"

Amanda turned her head towards Olivia. A few tears had streaked down her face. When she was sure that her voice wasn't going to betray her, she spoke. "How about we get it go? We need to discuss some things, including last night…" Olivia's head spun toward her. _She remembered._ Amanda continued, "Plus I've never seen your apartment."

 **Thanks for reading.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Guys, I suck, yet again. I've realized that I made a mistake with some deets but I will make the characters address it. Sorry but I hope you still enjoy. Despite me being all human and ish. It's so annoying, I know. Enjoy and review! Thanks.**

Olivia hadn't prepared to have company. Her apartment was a complete disaster. The detective had been trying to cope and recover from the undercover assignment that had almost cost her, life. So being tidy wasn't a priority, plus she was only working with one wing. She was practically counting down the seconds until she was out of the entrapping sling. After they stopped by the coffee shop, they headed back to Liv's apartment. Her mind was racing and there were butterflies in her stomach. Amanda wanted to come over and talk. And not just any talk but possibly _the_ talk. Liv was known for her cool and collected demeanor professionally but in her personal life, things were different. Especially now, when she was stepping into uncharted territories.

"I want to apologize in advance for my apartment," said Olivia as she opened the door. "The only decent area is probably the kitchen or sitting area, up front. Make yourself comfortable."

"So that's the excuse that you're going to use, _again_?" asked Amanda as she took a seat on the sofa.

Olivia caught the emphasis on again and wondered what, her partner was referring to. "What do you mean?"

"I'm saying that you used an excuse before, to keep me from your room the first time, that I was here…"

Olivia was amused and responded immediately. "I knew that you didn't forget about coming over once before. Why'd you say that you hadn't seen my apartment?"

"Because I haven't. The elusive and off-limits bedroom, full of 'damning evidence' is still a mystery…" Amanda had a sly, knowing smirk on her face.

The brunette laughed, heartily. Not only did Amanda remember but she was making light of the situation. Trying to eliminate the awkwardness and reservations. Something that Olivia had been wondering how she was going to navigate through. But Liv couldn't let her partner have the upper hand. So she went with her only option and that was to turn the tables.

"Someone's eager to be in my bedroom…"

 _Did she really just go there?_ Amanda felt an intense heat rising in her cheeks. She could only imagine the shade of red that was present on her face. _Words. Say words. Say something._ "No! Not like that. I mean, not saying that you meant it like that. M-maybe you did. But I-I'm just saying…" She was stumbling and stuttering all over herself. _Better words. Say better words._

Olivia couldn't help the laugh that escaped her mouth. Her laughter quickly earned a scowl from Rollins. Benson faked a cough to escape the icy glare, aimed her way. "Anyways, like I was saying…it's not as tidy as I would like it. Been kind of rough. Trying to keep everything together, one arm down and all." Liv hoped that would get her out of the hot seat.

"I'm fine, and so is the apartment" Amanda looked around the 'messy' apartment, trying to find the mess. She then looked back at her partner, who was securing the locks with one arm. Seeing Olivia in that state, was a terrible reminder of what they'd gone through. It was so easy to get lost into the darkness, Rollins took a breath to regroup. Shaking off the unpleasant images, she asked, "How's the arm? When will you be out of that thing?"

"Yesterday, if I had it my way. But hopefully soon."

"Seriously, how are you, physically? Your ribs? How have you been managing, being down an arm?"

"You sound like my doctor—"

"I'm serious, Liv. I know how rough that it's been for me. I'm talking strictly, physically here. I think that you had it worse. And I know how hard it's been for me, then I know what—"

"Stop."

"I've been worried about you. I know it's hard to believe but I have. My anger and pride took over…" Rollins shook her head, in regret as she flashed back to their session.

 **Earlier in therapy…**

" _Olivia, how have you been recovering, physically?" asked Dr. Huang._

" _Uhm, well it's getting better. My vision has completely returned in my left eye. I can lie down on my side, now that my ribs aren't so sore. Only my right side because of my arm but that's made, attempting to rest easier. I take only half of the pain meds prescribed for me because I hate the loopy feeling. Plus, I don't want to be out of it, I need to be alert and aware."_

" _So if you're only taking half of your meds, that means your pain is relatively high, right?"_

" _I'm managing."_

" _Ok. And how have you been sleeping?"_

" _I don't. I can't. What I do, isn't considered sleep. Every time that I close my eyes, I see…" the traumatized woman took a deep breath and blinked to gather herself. Olivia remembered that Amanda was sitting next to her. She didn't go any further, already feeling as if she'd revealed too much. She forced a stiff smile, "I'm managing, Dr."_

 **Present time…**

"Please, stop. You don't have to do that. You don't need to explain yourself to me. After what I did, I deserve that and—"

"No!" exclaimed the blonde. Amanda's nerves were all over the place but she had to speak her peace. "You have to let me say this, alright?"

"No, not alright!" bellowed Olivia. She saw that her elevated voice had startled the other woman. She ran her hands through her growing hair. As she often did, when stressed out or needed to decompress, following a sigh. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. Ok? I'm just a little frustrated. Not at you," added the detective quickly. She paced the room while her partner was seated.

"Ok," responded a nervous Rollins. She wasn't accustomed to seeing her _rock_ behave in this manner.

"Neither of us should be apologizing to each other, anymore. It's _his_ fucking fault!" Olivia was letting the rage flow. "What he did to us. What he put us through. Of course we checked out physically, mentally, emotionally for a while. Huang told me that, we needed to heal. Trust me, I wouldn't have been any good to you then. I doubt I'm any good to you now—"

"Enough," interrupted Amanda. "Sit with me," the seasoned detective was still pacing around the living room, amped up, ignoring the request. " _Liv_ …" drawled the blonde in that unique accent. Olivia stopped pacing and looked at the waiting woman. Pleading, soft blue eyes were staring back at her.

Olivia could never deny that look. But she just couldn't talk about her injuries that _he_ inflicted. Nor could she hear another apology. The brunette simply wanted to enjoy being in her partner's company again. It totally caught her off guard, but she'd missed Amanda's company, more than she'd like to admit. Standing there, looking at the woman that had become to mean so much to her, was overwhelming. Liv didn't trust her voice to speak, so she took her partner's advice and sat down beside her.

"Thank you. You're right…"

"I am?" Olivia had an amused tone in her voice. Not sarcastic but genuinely surprised. She was expecting more of a fight but was definitely pleased with this outcome, instead.

"Yes, you are. No more apologies. We've done enough of that, both of us." Rollins made sure to put emphasis on 'us'. "Speaking of _us_ , let's shift gears. About last night…"

 _Uh oh, she remembers…_ "Ok," Liv tried to sound cool and relaxed while internally she was anything but.

"I was drunk."

 _Maybe not._ "Yes, you were."

"I said things."

 _So did I._ "Ok…"

"Things that scare me because they're true and I meant them." Amanda broke their eye contact and reached for her cup. Anything to distract her. The detective was so nervous and those intense brown eyes glued onto her every move wasn't helping. She sipped from her cup while her stomach flipped. She was hoping that Olivia would say something, anything. However, she was unaware that, her partner was struggling with her own nerves.

The silence that had fallen upon the room, was almost painful. Liv ran her fingers through her head and that's when Amanda knew that she was nervous too. They were in uncharted territories. No masks, facades or assignments to hide behind. They had to own whatever was being felt. That was very unsettling for both ladies. Neither of them were comfortable talking about their 'feelings'. Amanda had been brave enough to take the first step. It was only fair that Olivia, took a cue from her.

"I meant what I said, too."

Amanda looked up, for the first time since she had spoken. Liv was still eying her cup of tea, running her index finger along the lid. It really was something to behold the stoic detective, nervous and unsure. The blonde observed Liv's movements and affect. Rollins chose her words wisely, before responding. "I wasn't sure if you wanted me to hear that, so I didn't bring it up."

"I wanted you to hear it, you needed to hear it," the brunette was gaining her confidence as she looked up. "I just didn't know if you heard me before you passed out. I didn't even know if you'd remembered what you said, at all."

"I remember. It took a while. It came back in pieces. You know a _lot_ of whiskey does that…" Amanda paused to laugh. That helped to ease some nervous tension for both women. "But I remembered." They stopped laughing after that statement. Their eyes met and they felt that kinetic energy, once again. That really settled Amanda's nerves. Knowing that their bond was still there, even after not speaking for weeks was a relief. Confident and curious, Rollins asked the queen of questions. "So, what's next?"

Olivia inhaled and let it out slowly, as she thought about the answer to the proposed question. The detective went with honesty, not having a certain answer. "I don't know." Liv could tell that wasn't the answer her partner was looking for. Before the conversation took a different turn, "But…maybe we can figure it out together?"

Amanda's eyes sparkled as a smile spread across her lips. "I'd like that. I have to warn you. I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. I'm new to this, _all_ of this."

It was now the brunette's turn to smile. She understood, exactly what her partner was saying and shared her sentiments. "We're in the same boat, despite what you may have heard…" They both laughed at that statement. Olivia wasn't naïve. The detective was well aware of some of the rumors surrounding her. Most of them involved her having the hottest affair, in the history of affairs, with her former partner. Others had her batting for the other team, leaving a trail of broken hearts along the way. Olivia could tell that Amanda had questions. The detective could practically hear the other woman's wheels turning. "Just ask, it's fine. What do you want to know?"

"Wh-what? Nothing," she was startled by the psychic like mind reading.

"Amanda…ask me, _anything_."

 _Just ask her and know once and for all._ "Your old partner…"

Rollins didn't ask a question. There wasn't a specific one that would cover it all, anyway. The young detective knew that there was plenty of history there. An interesting story waiting to be told. So she left it open for Olivia to explain. The brunette knew that this talk was inevitable. No need to sugar-coat anything if they were going to try to be, _whatever_ , they were going to be. So Liv took a deep breath, swallowed her remanding nerves and proceeded to explain something that she still didn't fully understand.

"It's complicated," a nervous, shaky chuckle followed the comment. "Difficult to put into words. I will start off by saying, we never crossed that line. Everyone, including his kids thought we were sleeping together but that never happened. Not even one kiss."

Amanda let out a breath that she was unaware of holding. The young detective was never one to believe every rumor spread. Cops were known to embellish. With that said, this particular rumor just wouldn't go away. It was the alleged reason why he suddenly left. Their terrible break up, supposedly was the demise of their partnership. His wife gave him an ultimatum. So on and so forth. But looking at the brunette as she spoke, she knew that every word, coming out of her mouth was the truth. The lines were never crossed with the infamous former partners. Rollins knew that there was more to follow, so she remained silent as Olivia resumed.

"Not going to lie, things weren't so black and white with us. There were many shades of grey. We were together…uh _partners_ , for a very long time. I grew with him, learned from him and depended on him. He was my family. The only family I ever had, especially in my adult life. The truth is…he was the longest relationship that I'd ever had with, _anyone_." Olivia didn't plan on that coming out of her mouth. "Not like that!" she added, quickly. Avoiding eye contact, embarrassed. She focused on her cup, as a distraction. Swirling the rim, a nervous habit.

"I get it."

The seasoned detective looked up, relieved. Then a skeptical look was on her face. Wondering if her new _partner_ really understood. Then Amanda surprised her yet again.

"You two shared a close, special bond for many years."

"Yes," replied an incredulous Olivia. The unexpected understanding, kept the conversation going. "Then he just quit on me. Left. Disappeared. No warning. No heads up. Nothing. He wouldn't even take my calls. A tragic incident occurred. The daughter of a victim brought a gun into the precinct and opened fire. He didn't have a choice…" It was still difficult to talk about that terrible day.

A smart cop, detective in her own right, Rollins knew exactly what the former partner had to do. "That's tough. Wow, I can't even imagine."

"Yeah. I was there. It was terrible. I remember the look in his eyes afterwards. I'd never seen that look before. In the back of my mind, I knew that he was done." Liv took a moment to gather herself. "He put in his papers, soon after that and I haven't heard from him since."

Amanda knew that the story was complicated but the depth of complication was astonishing. Things started to make sense to the blonde now. Olivia didn't hate her or Nick. They were literally, the physical, human reminders of her partner being long gone. The sudden change, on top of more change, was just too much for her at that particular time. The blonde couldn't imagine being civil, to anyone, if something like that would've happened to her. And the reason why she'd admired Olivia before meeting her, came flooding back. _Her_ partner and hopefully more, lived up to the legendary reputation.

"I loved him, Amanda…I'm not sure what type, but it was love."

The silence following that statement was palpable. Both women just let the revelation wash over them, especially Olivia. Her hands ran through her hair as she heard the words playing back to her. The unexpected reveal was opening up parts, that the detective was still, very uncomfortable talking about. After finally getting herself in check. Liv wondered if she'd exposed too much. Especially given the fragility of the women's current relationship. They were supposed to be discussing their future and what was next, not this. When she looked over at Amanda, there wasn't any judgement or disgust present on her face. The only thing staring back was understanding. The vulnerable detective felt the need to deflect the conversation before she became completely undone.

"So that's the story." The same nervous laughter from earlier, escaped her lips. Watery, beautiful brown eyes accompanied, this time. She swiped the moisture away quickly. "That pretty much sums it up."

"Thank you for trusting me enough to share that," Amanda reached for her partner's hand. It was a reassuring gesture. The comfort was something that was missed during their temporary estrangement. It was nice to feel that connection again.

Olivia looked at their adjoined hands and then into a sea of blue. "Thanks for listening and for not judging me."

"Never," quickly added the blonde as she wiped away a tear from her partner's eye. She gently stroked her face. Admiring every feature of the woman beside her. Fading bruises and all. Acting on pure instinct, Amanda placed a delicate kiss on Olivia's lips. It was chaste and sincere, perfect. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too."


	18. Chapter 18

**Thanks for sticking with the story. And welcome to the newcomers! Nice seeing you leave your usual ships, temporarily lol, and giving this a chance! I'm just a ship-less, hopeless, serial Olivia-nogomist! Picking right up, where we left it.**

An uncomfortable, teeth pulling, painful conversation was what Olivia was expecting to transpire. Instead, the detective had just put into words all of the feelings that had been bothering her for years. People always assumed but no one ever really knew the story. Until tonight, the night where she truly let someone else in. The previously dreaded talk, was going way better than Olivia was expecting it to. Here she was, wrapped up in arms that she hadn't felt since the worst night of her life. They ended their embrace and resumed their positions on the couch.

"Ok, so we've talked about me, enough. I want to know what's been going on with you. How are you, Amanda?"

The blonde made a face. She had no interest in talking about herself. The last few weeks had been hell for the young detective. Before the assignment began, Rollins always felt that she had to prove herself. Whether it was with her family or doubting male colleagues. The catastrophic attack, put her through the ultimate test. After fighting tooth and nail through the ordeal, she'd made it out of that disaster. With the battle scars to prove it. Literally and figuratively. She didn't want to talk about how she'd been doing because the truth was embarrassing. Her handling of the trauma was not something to be proud of. So Rollins decided to deflect.

"Well, I'm better now." A sly smile was on her face, which caused the other detective to reciprocate.

However, Olivia was not to be deterred. She needed to know how her partner had been coping. "I'm serious. When I wasn't bogged down in anxiety or fear, I was thinking about you. I really want to know how you're doing."

The blonde couldn't get out of this conversation. Not with those eyes and that concern-laced voice, compelling her. Deep down she knew that Olivia would never judge her for some of her, unhealthy coping mechanisms. It was still difficult to reveal them. Being looked down on, or thought not to be good enough was a huge fear of Amanda's. One that went all the way back to her troubled childhood.

"I don't know, Liv. I…I'm not good at talking about this stuff."

Olivia nodded, she heard the frustration in Rollins' voice. "I get that. No pressure. I know that it's not easy. I struggle with it, also. As much as I hate to admit, Huang being right, he is a lot of the times. So do me a favor. If you don't want to talk to me, please talk to him. Or someone else you trust, maybe family."

"Family, really? Come on."

Olivia knew that she'd struck a nerve. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"No, no it's not you. It's just…damnit!" The frustrated detective jumped to her feet. "I-I'm not like you, alright? Even though you say it's hard, you find a way to power through. In a way that allows you to keep your head up…"

"Amanda, everyone handles things differently."

"Yeah, but you—"

"Oh my God! Enough with the comparing! If this is _ever_ going to work, you have to stop. This pedestal that you put me on, has to go. We're equals, ok? Equals. Well actually no, we're not. Because when I was your age, I don't know if I could've handled what we went through. Let alone handle the post trauma. So just stop, ok. I don't judge or look down on you. I think you're great and however you've coped, I'm sure it was the best that you could do at the time."

Amanda was completely speechless. Olivia's outburst had completely taken her by surprise. It took her a while to fully absorb everything said. From what she could piece together. Olivia had acknowledged the possibility of a future together. She'd also deemed them as equals, giving the ultimate compliment while doing so. Needless to say, Rollins was an admirer of the legendary Detective Benson from afar, long before they met. So getting the chance to work with her was everything and more. That's why the blonde would come off at times, as a star-struck fangirl. However, that speech helped her to see things differently. Amanda didn't see or hear _the_ Detective Benson. Instead, she saw someone genuinely concerned about her healing and well-being.

"We're equals." It wasn't a question but more so of a reiteration.

"Yes. We. Are. Equals."

"You don't think less of me?"

"How could I? Who am I to judge? When it was too much for me, I ran. You don't know what I did during that time. I don't have any moral high ground to stand on. So talk to me or don't. But please don't let it be on the account of looking or feeling less than."

Amanda didn't respond immediately. She was absorbing every word said. It felt as if a weight had been lifted. She didn't realize that she'd still been idolizing the brunette, instead of being her equal. It felt good to be on an even playing feel without fear of scrutiny. The truth of the matter was; she had already won Olivia over. Unbeknownst to her, it'd happened shortly after they'd gone undercover. Rollins' personal self-doubt had plagued her, throughout her career and beyond. It was still something that she would have to work on overcoming but with Olivia behind her, she knew it would be easier.

"Wow, you really have a way with words."

"And I meant everything that I said. You're smart, strong, resilient and tough. Your packaging is deceiving but you're one of the toughest people I know. I wish that you could see what I see. And to top off all of that…" The brunette caressed the other woman's cheek. It was a soothing yet intimate gesture. "You're beautiful, Amanda. Inside and out." Olivia continued to stroke her cheek, when their eyes locked. This look was different. One they'd never shared before. The look was of desire and want. They were truly seeing each other as simply, Olivia and Amanda. No titles, no barriers. Liv inched closer, "So beautiful."

That was the last thing said before closing the remaining space and claiming her lips in an overdue kiss. The kiss was also a first, it wasn't chaste and innocent like the previous ones. Reservations were non-existent as inhibited desires took over. Olivia parted her lips, before tilting her head to deepen the kiss. Amanda mimicked her actions, welcoming entrance, as their tongues met for the first time. A pleasurable sigh, escaped the blonde's mouth. Their lips glided together, familiarizing with one another. The past few months, mixed with unexpressed emotion were boiled down into this moment. Things were heating quickly. Almost frantic, as hands and arms tangled, searching, needing more contact.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Even though the exclamation was muffled, it put a stop to the heavy make out session. "Damnit!" They parted abruptly as Olivia reached for her injured arm.

"Shit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Are you alright?!"

The brunette was in pain but more so embarrassed that their moment was cut short by something so trivial. Another unwanted reminder of _him._ "Yeah, yeah I'm fine." But the pained expression on her face, told another story.

"You don't look fine. I'm really sorry. I guess, I got kind of caught up in the moment…"

"Hey what'd I say about the 's' word? And _never_ apologize for being in the moment." The look that Olivia gave Amanda, sent chills up her spine. She could feel the heat spreading across her face and neck. She was completely enamored, those brown eyes being the culprit. Along with a few other things.

 _Oh my God. This is too much._ "I should go…" Rollins' head was spinning with desire and nerves, mostly desire. She was feeling things for the first time and didn't trust her self-control. Especially given the fact that she'd just hurt Olivia.

"Ok… Was it too much, too soon? I made you feel uncomfortable?"

"No! No, not at all. The exact opposite, to be honest."

That's when it dawned on Olivia. Amanda wasn't uncomfortable or feeling pressured. The physicality to their relationship, was just new and different. Neither were really sure about the other's boundaries or anything else. The emotion and need for more was there but the going about it was still uncharted territories. Olivia completely understood and didn't want her partner to be alone, in her overwhelming feelings.

"Amanda, you don't need to go, seriously. It's ok, you know? I'm a little nervous, too. This is new to both of us, remember."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know, it's just…it's a lot," nervous laughter escaped the southerner's mouth. "I'm pretty sure that you could tell that it had nothing to do with a lack of interest."

Their eyes met and it was now Olivia's turn to blush. _No it definitely wasn't a lack of interest. We were very interested, both of us._

"I basically attacked you and re-dislocated your shoulder."

"I told you that, I'm fine."

"Yeah, I know you are. But what about the other stuff? I don't want to do the wrong thing or freak you out. I'm so nervous around you because it's different now. This is really us, not playing any roles. I can't hide behind anything and that terrifies me. But then you give me this look and that's it, I'm done. I don't care about anything else. Your look, _that_ look, removes my remaining doubts. And then you kiss me and I never want you to stop. It's a lot, very confusing." Everything just flew out all at once. It was like she couldn't stop the words from flowing. Then she was done and heard everything playing back. "Great, I totally just said all of that out loud. Now you think I'm crazy. Man, this just keeps getting better and better."

The timing was terrible but Olivia couldn't help it. She burst into laughter. Really deep, guttural laughter.

"And you're laughing at me, perfect." Amanda jumped to her feet, headed towards the door.

Olivia stood also, as she reached to stop her. "No, wait. I'm not laughing at you, I promise. I'm laughing because that was perfect. That was you. No filters, just you. I know exactly how you feel now. I didn't have to ask, pressure or prompt. Then your mini freak out was so cute, I couldn't help it. Don't be mad at me." Liv put on her sweetest voice as she moved closer. She could tell that it was working as Amanda was fighting to keep a straight face. So she kept going, "If you don't want me to laugh, you can't be so cute." The brunette was massaging their adjoined hands, twisting them side to side, trying to break the woman.

Amanda couldn't fight it any longer as she finally broke. "Don't think that you can just charm your way out of things. It won't always work on me. One time only," she pulled Olivia closer and kissed her softly.

The detective had to keep her snarky comment to herself. Now that she was finally out of hot water and all. She simply smiled and said, "Duly noted."

"It is late, though. I should head home, while I can still hail a cab. Don't want to walk, at this hour. I actually haven't walked at night since _Sway._ " Neither would forget that night. Their first 'date' that ended in homophobic slurs and bottles being thrown at their heads.

"Fun times."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

The ladies chuckled at the obvious sarcasm. Both falling silent afterwards, knowing their next move was unknown. Breaking through the silence and uncertainty was Olivia's suggestion, "You could just stay here tonight…"

Amanda took a step back to look at her partner. A disbelieving look, present on her face.

Olivia shrugged, in a what's the big deal sort of way. "What? We lived together for months. It's not like we haven't slept together before."

"Yeah but not like this."

"Like what?"

"You know…"

The detective smiled, understanding completely. "Look, there's no pressure. As we've already embarrassingly found out, I'm not uh… fully functional for any _extracurriculars_. Plus, there's a lot of in between steps before getting to that one. So, it's not a big deal. Don't over think it. Either you stay here or I come with you. Your choice. I'm not letting you go home by yourself. Not happening."

"Bossy much?" Amanda teased, while secretly enjoying it. Having someone care that much about her well-being was a nice change of pace. With an over exaggerated sigh, for dramatic purposes only, she chose. "Looks like I will finally be seeing this infamous bedroom, after all..."

 **Thanks for reading.**


	19. Chapter 19

The evening had taken many unexpected turns, literally. Things had gone from hot and heavy, to incredibly awkward, into an impromptu sleep over. Amanda was still reeling from everything that had transpired that evening. It was a night of many firsts. The first time, that they'd been together since going undercover. The first time, that they weren't playing a role, completely owning their feelings. The first time, delving into the physical aspect of their relationship. A pleasant change of pace, that occurred naturally. It was nice to know, the things that they were feeling while undercover was real. Not just a fluke due to their unusual circumstances.

The entire experience opened Amanda's eyes. She'd personally witnessed homophobia, first hand. It absolutely baffled her. How someone could hate another person based on whom they loved. Hate them to the extent, of targeting and harming them. Based solely off of their personal preference. Labels were never her thing so she didn't feel comfortable, being put inside a box. What she did know, was that she was falling. That was the only thing that mattered. And that someone happened to be the only person who truly knew her. The real her, innermost secrets and all.

Now here she was, inside of Olivia's apartment. Nervous as all hell. They were about to spend their first night together, off duty. Olivia had made a compelling argument on why Rollins should stay. Amanda wasn't complaining but things were so, for a lack of a better word, complicated between them. From being thrust together, to possibly the real thing. Nervousness, was just one of many emotions, that the blonde was feeling. She followed behind Olivia, timidly, as they headed into her bedroom. Amanda stopped at the door, while Olivia searched for night clothes for the other woman.

The brunette noticed that the footsteps had stopped behind her. She turned to see her partner standing in the door frame. "Hey, you ok?"

"Yeah…I'm fine."

Olivia eyed her suspiciously. "Look, I will sleep on the couch. You can take my room, it's not a problem."

"No, you don't have to do that."

"Yes, I do. If it'll make you feel more comfortable, it's really not a problem. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, in any way."

"I don't, it's not that. Well…I mean, I am a little nervous but that's not what's bothering me."

"So, it's not me?" Amanda shook her head, no. "Good. Then, what is it? Talk to me."

"It's just uh, I don't do so well at night…"

Olivia nodded, she totally understood. "I get that."

Amanda looked up to see, understanding eyes staring at her. So she continued, "I've been restless, lately. My coping mechanisms hasn't exactly been uh…on the up and up. Night time is when certain vices, get the best of me."

"Ok. Nights are rough for me, too. When I do sleep, the nightmares…" the brunette took a moment to shake off the images. "Like I said, I get it."

Rollins gave a weak smile, as she stared at her partner. It seemed as though, Olivia always knew exactly what to say. How to calm her down and not make her feel alone, no matter the situation. The time apart seemed not to have had an effect on their connection. Everything was much easier when they were together. That's when it dawned on the blonde, that was what she'd been missing. The stability and support that she had unexpectedly become accustomed to.

"You know I've really, really missed this." The detective motioned her hand, back and forth, between them. "No matter how hard I tried not to." Olivia was about to respond when Amanda continued. Before she lost her nerve. "You know I used to watch you. Yeah, I did. I would watch you in the squad room, interacting with detectives and with the victims. Thinking man, no one is that freaking compassionate and understanding. Seriously, what's this chick's deal? I mean, come on." Olivia couldn't help the smile that graced her lips, at that blunt confession. Along with the animated delivery. "But standing here now, I realize that it's not an act. You really do care, that much."

Olivia threw the clothes in her hands onto the bed. Then she stepped towards her partner. "Yes, I am very passionate about many things but this is different. You're different. I care about you, in a special, exclusive, only for you type of way." The brunette took a moment to study the other woman's face, before proceeding. "So when you say that you've been having a difficult time, it affects me on a personal level. And not because that's my shtick or what I do but because it's _you._ I care about you, Amanda."

Amanda absorbed every word. No one had ever expressed such a genuine, selfless, declaration to her before. It was as if, all of those sappy rom-coms and books, finally made sense. The only person that ever truly loved or cared for her, was gone. The thought of her brother, never meeting the only person that she'd ever cared for, was bittersweet. _God, Josh would've loved her. Probably hit on her, too._ He had a thing for brunettes. Amanda chuckled, at that thought. Trying not to dwell on the past, she looked at her future, square in the eye. It felt nice to have someone truly care, that wasn't obligated to. Three small but powerful words, were teetering on the tip of her tongue.

"I—" she cleared her throat. Took a moment to adjust her words before spilling, her innermost truth. "…feel the same." Amanda closed the reaming distance, tilted her head upward, to lock their lips. Pouring every emotion that she was feeling into it. Before things got out of hand, again, she pulled away. As she took a step back, she saw that Olivia's eyes were still shut and lips perked. Reminiscent of an earlier encounter with the two, except the roles were reversed. Amanda was secretly pleased with herself, for having such an effect on her partner. She unsubtly cleared her throat, "Let's go to bed."

"Ok," whispered Olivia. She was still in a trance with her eyes shut.

Amanda smiled at the sight, as she grabbed the clothes off the bed and headed into the bathroom. She closed the door behind her and let her forehead fall on the door. Taking it all in. Meanwhile, Olivia was finally snapping out of it. She brushed her fingertips over her bottom lip. Still feeling the kiss on her lips. The detective turned toward the bathroom door, with a smile on her face. _I think she just pulled a me, on me._ Liv headed over to the bed and sat down. She released a satisfied sigh, before noticing her dreaded medication bottles, staring back at her. She picked up one bottle, rotating it in her hand, contemplating whether or not to take them. Her pain was at an eight but powering through had become her way of dealing. Not being one hundred percent sharp, was not an option.

"You should take them." Olivia turned in the direction of Amanda's voice. Slightly startled by her sudden reappearance. The sight before her was even more surprising. The blonde had changed into Olivia's clothes and was leaning against the doorframe. Some kind of glow radiating off her skin. Her appearance distracted the brunette from responding. Amanda noticed the look but ignored it. So she could continue with what she was saying. "Seriously, take them and don't worry. Everything will be fine. Because I'm shooting anything that moves."

Olivia burst into laughter at the remark and the matter-of-fact delivery. It was funny but she knew that Amanda was totally serious. "Well then," The detective was still laughing.

"Yes, so take your meds. Oh, and you might want to warn anyone, who may feel inclined to drop by tonight, that I'm on high alert. You know, for their own good…"

Another chuckle fell from her lips. "That won't be a problem, trust me." When she looked back up at Amanda, she noticed a relieved look on her face. Then something dawned on her. _She's totally fishing, making sure there's no one else._

"Good." They hadn't set any rules or given each other any titles but that didn't matter to Rollins. She just didn't like the idea or possibility of there being someone else.

Instead of teasing her, which is what her original thought was to do. Olivia reassured her, "The only person that I want coming through that door, is already here. So, no need to worry."

And with that, Olivia headed over to where Amanda was still standing. She placed a kiss on her cheek and moved past her into the bathroom, to get ready for bed. The blonde felt that stupid flutter in her belly again. As she walked away from the door, she finally took in the bedroom. Being in Olivia's personal space, felt so intimate. She examined pictures and other memorabilia on display. However, she didn't go rummaging through her drawers and shelves, like she had the first time visiting. She couldn't deny being curious but she would never violate Liv's privacy. Her exploring came to a halt when she noticed, the leather journal with an 'O' on the outside of it, lying open on the nightstand.

"Hey Amanda," Olivia's voice, broke through her curiosity.

"Yeah?" She turned around as she answered. The tank top that the other woman was wearing put her badly bruised but healing body on display. Particularly her dislocated shoulder. The sight still enraged her. _I should have shot that son of a bitch._

"Do you think that Huang is going to clear us anytime soon?"

 _Random._ "Uhm well, I really don't know. You're uh, ready to go back?" She was looking at her partner's injured, fragile state.

"It scares me more that, I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to go back…"

The young detective, saw something in Olivia that she'd never seen before, self-doubt. It was such a different dynamic than what she was used to. But Rollins was ready to step up and be there for Liv, like she had been for her, so many times. "Hey, hey," she reached for her partner, who was looking defeated. "You will be ready. When you're ready. So, don't worry about that tonight. Right now, we're going to sleep, the entire night through, together."

Olivia was fighting her emotions. She was feeling extremely vulnerable. Still not used to anyone seeing her so broken. And Amanda had seen it all, literally. That's why Amanda's assertiveness was exactly what she needed to hear. The comforting words from someone who truly understood what she was going through. "You're right. Come on, let's go to bed."

 **To those still reading, one more chapter will wrap it up. The premise for this story is over but there will definitely be a sequel. So much more to explore. Thanks for reading.**


	20. Chapter 20

The smell of expensive cologne, sweat and fear filled the room. Indistinct, muffled sounds were in the air. Immobilization kept her limbs in place. No matter how hard her body fought to move. The tart taste of blood invaded her taste buds. Then suddenly, a heavy weight smothered every movement or thought to be had. Helpless at his mercy, she prepared for the worst. She waited for help that never came. His mouth crashed violently against hers and all of the oxygen drained from her lungs. An unwelcomed intrusion, caused her body to jolt upright.

Amanda covered her mouth to silence the shriek. Her eyes scanned frantically, searching for familiarity. Everything seemed foreign until she saw Olivia, sleeping peacefully beside her. Her brain finally caught up to her body and realized that it was just a dream. More like a nightmare. Her heartbeat slowly began to regulate, as she gasped for air. _You're safe. It was just a dream._ Now more aware and alert, the relieved woman, realized that she was in Olivia's apartment. In her bed. Amanda took another look beside her to make sure that it was real.

The irony was almost laughable. The nightmare wasn't real. Sleeping in the same bed as Olivia, in _her_ apartment also felt unreal. However, the latter was a welcomed surreal reality. Her nightmares had been getting worse. Much more violent and in the dreams, Olivia doesn't intervene like she did during the vicious assault. Her broken body remained motionless on the floor, tied to the chair. Amanda felt sick to her stomach. She slid out of the bed quietly, trying not to disturb Olivia, who was in a deep sleep due to her medication. Amanda was happy that her jolting hadn't interrupted her slumber. She made her way to the sink in the kitchen to splash some cold water on her face.

That didn't help to calm down the anxiety. She looked through the cabinets and found something familiar that had been helping her cope lately. Amanda got a glass and poured the amber liquid, downing it in one gulp. She refilled the glass, then went to sit in the corner by the window facing the door. That restless feeling was upon her again. The anxious detective rested her head against the wall as she sipped. Nights were the worst. It was hard enough to get to sleep and when she would, the nightmares made her never want to sleep again. Hence, the restlessness. She raked her fingers through her hair before finishing drink number two.

She closed her eyes, as the sting of the liquor coated her throat. That seemed to be the only thing to cloud her mind of the awful images. She appreciated the escape even if it was brief and unhealthy. Being on the victim end of the ordeal, was new to both detectives. After they'd close a case, that was the end. It was over for them. Even though some cases got to them personally, they didn't go through what the victims did. Experiencing the paranoia, fear and restlessness, had taken a dramatic toll on Amanda. So she did what worked for her. The intoxicated woman, trudged her way across the room to refill her glass. Satisfied with a full glass, she made her way back to her designated spot in the corner. That particular spot, allowed her to see the entire room, no surprises.

Each sip numbing the pain. Numbing the devastating memories. Numbing her. That was exactly what she wanted, an escape. An escape to focus on the now and present surroundings. And her present surroundings, just so happened to be smack, dead in the middle of Olivia's apartment.A cheesy smile stretched across her face. The liquor was definitely doing its job. The liquor, combined with her feelings for the other woman caused the goofy smile. Amanda looked to the hallway, as her inebriated brain, scrambled to replay the earlier heated moment. The moment when she knew for certain, that all pretending had been long gone. The desire was real. Then her mind drifted off to what might have happened if the moment hadn't ended abruptly. The thought made her feel excited and scared. Scared of the unknown, but excited and willing to find out. Completely intoxicated with liquor and thoughts, her eyes closed, heavy with sleep.

Early the next morning, rays from the sun beamed through Olivia's window. The sunlight heated the right side of her face, causing her to shift. When she reached out for her partner, nothing was there. That's when the panic quickly rose within her. Groggy but determined. Olivia ignored the shooting pain in her shoulder, from the sudden movements, as she went in search for Amanda. She checked her bedroom's bathroom first, before heading towards the front of the apartment. When she made it into the living area, she noticed things out of place. Olivia walked over to the couch, where she saw Amanda passed out by the big window. A half, empty bottle of bourbon, resting besides her. Olivia sighed in relief at first, then in sadness, as she took in the state that her partner was in. She went into autopilot, as she made her way over to help Amanda. This wasn't her first rodeo, in dealing with a drunken hot mess. When Liv reached her, she gently whispered to the knocked-out woman.

"Amanda…"

No response.

"Amanda," she brushed stray blonde hair off of her forehead. "Come on, sweetie. Let's get you to bed." Olivia wrapped her good arm securely around the blonde's waist, as she got them into a standing position. Amanda mumbled something incoherently, as Liv led them to her bedroom. The brunette was filled with concern, as she finally got her into bed. Olivia watched closely, while gently stroking her cheek.

"Mmmmm," was the first semi-cohesive thing that Amanda had muttered. A satisfying grin was on her face as she allowed herself to be comforted. This was the feeling that she'd been unknowingly searching for. Not matter how much she drank, the current feeling of contentment never came. Tears pooled in her closed eyes, then streaked down her cheeks.

"Hey, hey what's wrong?" asked Olivia in her unique, soothing tone, as she wiped away the tears. The intimate gesture broke Amanda even more. It also broke Olivia's heart, seeing someone she cared so much for, in pain. Unable to help or take it away. "Shhhh, shhhh it's ok. Come here," she pulled her broken partner in to her.

Amanda continued to cry as she sank into the embrace. Hungover, shattered and completely wrecked, the emotions flowed easily. The catharsis was short lived, due to the overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness. Drinking too much bourbon and passing out by the window, didn't feel as good, during the sober sun of day. Pieces of the night started to flood her memory. Ashamed and apologetic were the new emotions, when she thought about Olivia finding her passed out by the window. Given the history with her alcoholic mother and all. "I'm sorry," the words came out hoarse and desperate. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm—"

"Stop it," Olivia squeezed even tighter. Her heart was breaking into pieces for Amanda…for herself. They were broken. Completely and utterly shattered. The detective feared that they may never be the same again. That was a terrifying thought. Tears threatened to fall from her eyes as she continued to hold on tight. Olivia remained strong and kept the tears at bay. And rid her mind of the lingering negative thoughts. Amanda needed her right now and she needed to be strong for her. "It's ok, it's ok. I've got you."

A few more minutes passed, before the crying stopped. Amanda pulled away first as she used her sleeve to wipe her face. Without even looking, she could feel _those_ eyes on her. Hungover and feeling like shit, she turned away. "Don't look at me. I'm a mess."

Olivia completely ignored the pointless request. "It's still really early. You should try to get a few more hours of sleep. Do you need anything?"

Amanda internally chuckled at the dismissiveness. That was typical Liv. To overlook the facade, and have tunnel vision. Focusing on the unspoken but obvious needs. _Yeah, you. I need you._ "No." The vulnerable and hungover woman, plopped back down on the bed, covering her face with a pillow. She let out an irritated scream into the pillow, before throwing it to the side. "No."

Olivia could hear the frustration in her voice. So, she didn't push the issue. "Ok…" The brunette grabbed her phone from the nightstand and headed to the kitchen. She put on the kettle, as she searched the cabinets for her go to hangover remedies. Liv made a call as she continued to look for things. Someone actually answered, which was unexpected due to the early hour.

"Good morning! Dr. Chambers' office, Kylie speaking. How may I help you?"

"Oh, uh good morning." _Wow, who's that perky so early?_ "Yes, this is Olivia Benson and I need to reschedule my 8:30 appointment for later today, if possible."

"Oh no. Ok, let me check to see if the Dr. has any openings later." The receptionist checked the calendar, making small talk while doing so. "Early appointments are envied. Most people like them early, to get it out the way. Got a big work thing?"

"Uhm, no. Actually, my girlfriend is sick and I don't want to leave her alone." Olivia was still rummaging through the cabinets, not really paying attention to what she'd just said.

"Omg! You're so sweet!" exclaimed Kylie. That's what stopped the detective in her tracks as the receptionist went on and on. "I'm going to move some stuff around to make sure that I fit you in!"

 _Where did that come from? My girlfriend? I literally just outed myself to a stranger. About a relationship that is undefined. And this chick is losing her shit, about it._

"Ok, how's 3:45?"

Liv snapped out of her inner monologue to answer. "That'll work, thanks."

"Great! Ok, I've got you covered. Hope your girlfriend feels better. She's lucky to have you."

She took the phone away from her ear to look at it. _Seriously?_ "Thank you, goodbye."

"Bye!"

As the call ended, Olivia took a moment to think. Why did that title flow so freely from her lips? She didn't even realize it until _Kylie_ 'oohed  & awed' on and on. Fragile wasn't even the right word to describe the state of their relationship. Most of it was built on pretending, some on being attacked together and the rest… Yeah it was definitely something there, beneath the surface. The previous day proved that. So why was dropping the 'girlfriend' title freaking her out just a little bit? The whistle coming from the kettle put a stop to her pondering. She turned off the stove and placed all of the items on a tray. She nearly dropped all of the items, when she turned and saw Amanda standing in the door way.

 _Busted._ Amanda had meant to leave when she heard Olivia on the phone. After hearing her drop the gf title, she hadn't moved a step since. "I uh, was coming to get some water."

"Water? Yes, water. Water. I have some on the tray. I figured you'd probably want some when you woke up. I didn't know you were up, thought you'd gone back to sleep." _How long has she been standing there?_

"Yeah, I was about to but I needed water." Amanda gestured to the tray, awkwardly. Yes, she did really need and want water. But she'd planned to tell Olivia, that she also needed her. After missing her opportunity to do so, moments ago.

"Look…"

"Look…"

They both spoke at the same time. Nervous laughter followed that. Olivia tried to speak again but Amanda wouldn't let her. "I need to say this before you say anything. Yes, I heard everything."

 _Damn._

"Put down the tray." Olivia complied. Even in her current state, Amanda knew what needed to be said. Especially after hearing, Liv's conversation. "In the room you asked me, 'did I need anything' and I lied. Water aside, the main reason why I came into the kitchen, was to correct my answer. Then I stumbled on your conversation, unintentionally," the blonde added quickly before getting serious again. "I came to say that, that…I need you."

Olivia made eye contact, after avoiding it, due to embarrassment. She knew how hard it must've been to say that. It was difficult for her to completely open up, as well. This was the moment where everything was about to change, Olivia could feel it. Her eyes were deadlocked on Amanda. Anticipating what was going to come out of her mouth next.

 _I really need her not to look at me. It's distracting._ Before those eyes completely sidetracked her, Amanda continued. "I'm a mess. I've been a mess before all of the terrible shit that we went through, probably even more so now. I know you didn't mean for me to hear your conversation but I'm glad that I did…" she nodded her head and took a moment before continuing. "You care about me. Even when I'm not around, even when I make it difficult. You care about me and I care about you. Title, no title, whatever, I'm all in."

Amanda walked up to Olivia, eyes locked. Completely entranced, in the moment. Her delicate hands, grasped Liv's face. Soft lips met. A sweet, promising kiss sealing the deal. Leaving the past in the past, anticipating what lies ahead. As the kiss ended, Amanda waited for a response. Olivia kept it short and to the point. "I'm all in."

 **Thanks for reading and hanging in there with me. You get the excuses this time! New job and I've just figured out what the hell I'm doing. So, I was finally able to find some time to write. I didn't want to release the chapter until I had the first chapter of the sequel ready but with all of the 'for the love of god' 'for f# k sakes' 'update already' etc. I decided to get this final chapter out. Hope you liked it. Thanks again and be on the lookout for the sequel, Uncertain Reality.**


End file.
